


Rescue Me

by Bradypop



Category: The 100
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cop!Lexa, Domestic Violence, F/F, F/M, Mother!Clarke
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-15
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 21:34:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 18
Words: 78,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10317461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bradypop/pseuds/Bradypop
Summary: Lexa's job as a small town deputy didn't come with a lot of excitement or intrigue. Between wrangling up Mr. Bennett's cows on the regular and getting the high school seniors to stop trespassing on the water tower, Lexa was helplessly bored. That was until an alleged domestic abuse case fell on her desk and suddenly Lexa was going out of her way to save Clarke and her daughter before it was too late.





	1. Chapter 1

Lexa's night was slow, but she had come to expect slow and easy for the night shift. It was freezing outside and, smartly, everyone seemed to be staying inside and out of the cold. She had found a quiet perch down by the old movie theater that had closed hours ago and parked there for a few hours of privacy to read the latest book she'd picked up earlier in the day. 

The radio had been quiet besides the occasional back and forth between the dispatcher and the two other officers on for the evening. Jasper, the dispatcher, occasionally asked for a cup of coffee or gave them some menial task to complete. Every once and a while the station identification tone would ring out, alerting them another hour had gone by.

Lexa enjoyed the quiet that came with working the graveyard shift, she never minded switching with Lincoln so he could spend a night with his wife and their new baby. Lincoln had always covered for her anytime something had come up and god knows she owed him more than a night shift or two.

"Deputy 225, you've been quiet tonight. You awake?" Lexa rolled her eyes as the staticky voice filled her car, interrupting an important part in her book.

"Wide awake, Jasper. Still waiting for you to tell us all about that date you keep claiming you went on." She teased back knowing it would get him off her back. She heard the radio spring to life after that, Murphy and Jackson giving him flack for being called out. She turned down the radio to drown them out and going back to the page she had been reading before the interruption. 

Hours past with little to no work coming across for them. Lexa placed her book down after finishing a chapter and rubbed her tired eyes before glancing at the clock. 

0336 glared back at her in large red numbers. Still over four hours to go until she was free to go home and sleep until she had to be back for her next shift. Lexa turned her heat up a little higher and shifted the car into gear, wanting to drive around a bit to get her brain going. 

"Deputy 225, can you take a ride over to County Medical and speak with Dr. Ramirez in the emergency department? He wishes to file a possible abuse claim." Lexa furrowed her brows at that, surprised by the request. It wasn't a typical call in their small town. 

"Deputy 225 responding to County, six minutes out." 

The ride over was short, the streets long since empty for the night. She parked around the back near the ER bay and made her way inside and to the nurse's station. 

"Well, if it isn't my favorite deputy around. How can I help you, Woods?" Lexa smiled at the friendly nurse, quite use to her flirtatious nature. 

"Got sent over to see Dr. Ramirez. I don't suppose you can send me in his direction, Harper?" 

The nurse looked over her board to see where the doctor was. "He's in room four, if you want to hang here until he's done I'm more than okay with the company." 

Lexa offered Harper an apologetic smile and tilted her hat at her before heading down to room to wait for the doctor. 

A quick survey of the small emergency room showed Lexa how slow they truly were. She recognized Mr. Thompson sleeping off his full day of drinking at Lucky's by the nurse's station. He was a regular to them, Lexa herself had found him sleeping in various spots around town and brought him to the hospital to sleep it off. Only two other rooms appeared to be occupied and many nurses were sitting around doing busy work. 

Lexa did her best to not listen in on the conversation going on in room four but when she heard a male voice raise out of anger she stepped up and knocked on the door. 

Dr. Ramirez opened the door and looked honestly relieved to see Lexa standing on the other side. "Deputy Woods, thank you for coming. Why don't we go talk in my office?" 

Lexa took a quick glance behind him and observed a blonde woman sitting on the bed with her arm held in a sling and her eyes cast down. A man stood next to her, his arm on her shoulder possessively. Lexa could sense his anger from where she stood and already could feel something off without getting any information. 

Dr. Ramirez motioned for Lexa to follow him and led them to his small office that was shared between all of the ER doctors. He handed over a chart and let her read his report over. 

_"28 year old female brought into the ER for right forearm pain and obvious deformity. X-rays were positive for multiple fractures of varying ages and severity to the humerus, radius, and ulna. The most recent injury was a spiral fracture to the radius and ulna consistent with a sharp twisting force being applied to the forearm. Bruises were also observed over the right side of the abdomen but patient refused x-rays on ribs and chest. Ribs were tender to touch. Patient stated she fell on ice in her driveway and landed on her right side but there is concern given x-rays and patient's medical history that there is abuse occurring. The fracture is not consistent with blunt force trauma to the arm like what would occur with a fall. This is the patient's fourth visit to the ER in the past year, each for some type of injury she stated was an accident."_

Lexa place the file down after she read the report and rubbed at her eyes again. "Has she stated anything about abuse? Or have you observed anything directly lending itself to abuse?" 

The doctor took the chart back and folding his hands on top of it. "The husband appears very controlling, he tries to answer her questions, he tried to stop us from getting x-rays on her arm but we insisted it was beyond necessary if she wanted to be able to use her arm in the future. He's already asked five times to get her discharged. We were only able to get you in here because we've been dragging our feet getting a cast on her. I've been doing this for almost twenty years, I can promise you that injury did not come from a fall. There's bruising around her wrist consistent with my theory that her arm was twisted forcefully until it snapped. The bruising on her abdomen and ribs is at varying degrees of healing. Based on the x-rays and the bruising I don't believe this is even remotely close to the first time he's abused her."

Lexa wrote everything down as he spoke, making sure she had it all clear for her own report. "Have you been able to speak with her alone?" Dr. Ramirez shook his head. 

"No, he hasn't left her side. He even insisted that he be allowed to go to the x-ray with her." Lexa wasn't surprised by that at all. "She seems afraid of him, she doesn't speak unless he directly speaks to her. He talks to her like she has no choice but to listen to everything he says. He mentioned a daughter, I hate to think of her possibly getting abused as well."

Lexa pulled her phone out and sent off a text to Jasper to pull any information they may have on the couple. 

"Okay, I think from here I should try and speak with her alone. I have a little more power to get him to leave." Lexa stood up again and pocketed her notes after looking over everything once more to ensure she was going in with all the facts clear. 

When she got back to the room Lexa listened in for a minute to see if anything seemed amiss before knocking and letting herself in. "Hello Mrs. Collins, I'm deputy Woods, I was wondering if I could have a few words with you."

Lexa made sure to speak only to the female, not even making eye contact with her husband who stood next to the bed. 

"Clarke's not speaking with you, you can leave now." He moved to step in front of his wife, making the mistake of pushing Lexa out of the way as he did so. 

"I wouldn't suggest pushing an officer, Mr. Collins. Now, I've asked nicely so can you please step out of the room before you are taken out in handcuffs for putting your hands on me."

Finn wanted to object, she could see the thinly veiled anger just beneath the surface ready to snap. Instead, he turned and glared at Clarke, silently warning her to keep her mouth quiet. 

He pushed past Lexa and out the door, not moving any further than the doorway. Lexa shut the door behind him, knowing it would offer them some privacy. 

"Mrs. Collins, if you are being hurt at home, we are here to help you. Is he hurting you?" Clarke shook her head vehemently, quick to refute the accusations. "If he's done anything to threaten you to keep quiet, please understand we can and will protect you and your daughter."

Clarke shook her head again, her good hand clenching her leg. 

Lexa took in Clarke's body language and took a step back, opting to try another angle. 

"How old is your daughter?" Lexa watched Clarke relax just barely at the question and knew she had her way in. 

"She's three. My.. my mother-in-law has her for the night." Clarke felt like she needed to clarify her daughter's whereabouts, even for her own piece of mind. 

"I'm not a mom but I can appreciate the desire to always ensure your child is safe. My job is to ensure every person in this town is safe. If you don't feel safe please let me know and I can help get you safe."

Lexa hoped pleading to her maternal side would help but Clarke just continued to shake her head. "I fell in my driveway on ice. I wasn't paying attention to where I was walking. I should have been more careful." The line seemed too well rehearsed to Lexa, like it had been repeated over and over to drill it in her head. 

Lexa sighed but didn't press further, she knew a dead end when she saw one. She would spend more time gathering information and take this to the next step with more facts on her side. She took a business card out of her pocket and wrote down her personal number on it. 

"If you ever need help, if you ever don't feel safe, I'm a phone call away." Clarke took the card and shoved it in her pocket, already knowing she'd need to throw it away before Finn saw it. "I'm going to check in with you again in a few days, okay? Just to see how you're healing. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need to."

Clarke nodded at the suggestion but Lexa was smart enough to know that call probably wasn't going to come without more coaxing. Lexa watched Clarke for any sign of her opening up but she saw none. She knew there was nothing more she could do tonight.

"Have a good night, Mrs. Collins. I hope your arm feels better soon." Lexa waited a second to see if Clarke was going to change her mind before turning and heading out the door. 

She stopped in front of Finn and sized him up again, standing tall to show she wasn't afraid of him. Her training helped her identify typical behaviors exhibited by abusers to intimidate their victims so when he stepped closer and made himself appear taller and bigger, Lexa knew just how to handle him.

"You've made a new friend tonight, Mr. Collins, you can count on that. You'll be seeing a lot of me in the near future." She promised without going as far as threatening him. A threat could make him get even more violent so she just ensured Finn knew he was being watched now. 

He had the audacity to smirk at Lexa and get in her face. "I tend to have that affect on most women, they usually can't stay away."

Lexa held in a gag and shook her head. "You're very, very misguided. I'll be seeing you very soon." She stepped back and around him, not giving him the chance to get in another word.

Once back in the warmth of her cruiser Lexa checked over all the information Jasper had found on Finn Collins. He had previously been arrested at the age of eighteen for assault during a bar fight but charges had been dropped and his record was clean after there. 

He currently worked in construction for the town and it didn't appear Clarke held a job. 

Following a hunch, Lexa drove around to the address Jasper provided her with and parked in front of the house Finn and Clarke owned. She grabbed her flashlight and stepped out. It didn't take much more than a simple shine of her flashlight on the driveway to learn there was no ice in sight. She snapped a few pictures as proof before getting back in her car to warm up again. 

"Deputy 225 to base, I'm heading in to file a report. Mark this call down for Sergeant Kane to review in the morning." Lexa radioed in before driving away from the house.


	2. Chapter 2

Lexa sat staring at the computer screen in front of her. The station was crowded for a Wednesday afternoon but Lexa paid no mind to the commotion around her. 

She'd been working on the same paragraph for the last hour, her focus completely lost. On the scale of things that truly felt important to her, a report on a traffic stop she'd made earlier in the day just seemed entirely inconsequential. 

Lexa had never been one to slack off on her paperwork. She took pride in getting things done in a timely matter and she hated the feeling of unfinished work sitting over her head. 

The other officers loved to call her an overachiever, loved to rub it in that she was the adult version of a teacher’s pet. Lexa really didn’t understand the fault in that, she had a job to do and there was no reason to slack off and not get it down.

It never hurt that Sergeant Kane complimented her work ethic and occasionally mentioned a possible promotion somewhere in the near future. That made Lexa prouder than she could ever articulate.

Police work was in her blood. Her dad was a deputy before being promoted to Sergeant when Lexa was young. Her uncle and grandfather were also both on the force. Lexa didn’t know how to do anything else. She’d been taught to follow in her father’s footsteps from a very young age and she never thought twice after graduating high school, not even her father’s death in the line of duty would deter her.

It had been a week since her visit to County Medical and not a day went by without a stop at either Finn's house or his construction site. She meant every word of her warning, she was keeping an eye on him now. 

Finn liked to glare when he caught sight of her cruiser parked close by but he never approached her. Lexa considered him lucky, she was itching for a reason to drag him down to the station and lock him up until he was old and decrepit. 

Lexa was keeping an eye on Clarke as best as she could but it proved to be a considerable challenge. The woman didn't venture out of her house often but when she did, she occasionally spotted a now familiar police cruiser nearby. 

Lexa saw her daughter for the first time just a few days ago. Clarke had the small girl bundled in her arms when she left her house and Lexa couldn’t help but feel slightly like she was in the wrong to be watching them. 

Lexa didn’t follow Clarke as she drove out of their neighborhood, she felt like she was intruding too much already. Instead, she had made her way to Finn’s work again. She never felt guilt or shame when she observed Finn, there wasn’t a doubt in her mind he deserved way more than the occasional surveillance.

"Deputy Woods, my office please." Lexa's stare broke from her computer screen as her gaze met Sergeant Kane's in her doorway. She stood instantly, never one to disobey an order from her superior. Kane's office was just down the hallway, the only private office in the whole station. 

Lexa was barely in the seat across from his desk before Kane started reprimanding her.

"Woods, Mr. Collins has called three times today alone complaining about you harassing him." She went to speak to defend her actions but Kane held his hand up to stop her. "Trust me, I know the story but you can't trail his every move. I know he's abusing his wife and no one wishes we could do something to stop him more than I do. But we can't, we're powerless without the wife’s willingness to press charges or hard evidence against him."

“Sir, I know the statement he gave me in the hospital was a lie. You saw the pictures of their driveway, there was no ice. Isn’t a lie to a police officer enough to at least bring him in for a conversation?” 

Kane shook his head with a frown. He wished it was enough, he really truly did.

“It’s not enough to prove he’s hurting her. And it’s certainly not enough to justify you harassing him at all hours of the day.”

Lexa shook her head. She knew all this, those particular facts kept her up at night. She never knew what being useless felt like until this case fell on her desk. 

"With all due respect sir, I'm not breaking any protocols. I'm surveilling, which is completely within the rules. I'm not trespassing, I'm not disrupting his work. I literally sit in my car and watch. I know he is going to slip up and I don't want to miss it when he does.” Lexa couldn’t read her boss’s face as he listened to her so she continued pleading her case.

“You didn't see the wife, sir, she was terrified of him and littered with fractures and bruises. This bastard.." she paused, realizing she was losing her cool. "He deserves to be in jail and I don't want that to happen because he killed her."

Kane listened and nodded along. He loved the fire Lexa displayed, she was by far his most promising deputy but he knew she was fighting a battle she might not be able to win. Without the wife’s cooperation they were powerless to do anything to help her. 

Kane was a smart man, he had years of experience in big city law enforcement. This wasn’t even close to the first domestic abuse case he had to handle. He also knew his deputy well. When Lexa set her mind to something, she would see it through. So Kane would be remiss to try to fully stop her. 

"Promise me you'll ease up a little bit and I'll let you continue surveilling him." Kane offered and Lexa knew it was the best she was going to get. 

"I’ll ease up but I can’t stop. She doesn’t have a voice if I’m not there giving her one. She doesn’t stand a chance,” she promised before she was dismissed from the office. 

Instead of returning to her computer and the report she had no interest in writing, Lexa grabbed her hat and keys and headed out the door. 

Just because she couldn’t directly watch Finn the same way anymore didn’t mean she was going to give up completely. She had plenty of other directions to take her investigation.

She drove the familiar path to the Collins house but instead of her usual spot across the street she parked in front of their neighbor’s house. She was vaguely familiar with the elderly couple that sat on their front porch watching her as she approached them. 

"Evening ma'am, sir, I was wondering if you'd be able to answer a few questions for me." Lexa removed her hat out of respect and waited for an invitation onto their screened in porch. 

"Of course, deputy, come take a seat out of that cold before you catch your death." Lexa smiled at the woman’s invitation and stepped onto the porch to take the seat offered to her. 

"How can we be of any help?" 

Lexa pointed her hat at the house next door. "Have either of you ever noticed anything off about the couple next door?" She chose her words wisely, not wanting to bring any suspicions that might not already be there. 

“They sure seem to fight an awful lot. Roger and I hear them yelling at each other all the time. Don’t get to see the wife too often. I think they’ve got a little girl, we see her playing occasionally in the yard. What’s got you interested in them?” 

Lexa observed the woman for a few seconds, trying to gauge whether she considered Finn a threat or not. “We’ve got a few calls lately about them, just trying to cover all my bases.”

“That boy is trouble, if you ask me,” the man added in, ignoring his wife’s glare. “He doesn’t seem like a good man. I’ve never yelled at Beth here the way he speaks to his wife. Seems to me he needs a good swift kick in the a—“

“Roger, that is enough. Don’t go filing this good deputy’s head with all your conspiracy theories.” His wife chastised before offering Lexa a small smile in apology. “Roger likes to watch all those cop shows, he thinks it makes him a deputy like you. I happen to think it makes him a fool.”

Lexa could see she wouldn’t be able to get much else out of them so she stood to head out.

“I greatly appreciate you both taking the time to talk to me. I don’t want to take up anymore of your time. If you ever notice anything going on next door that seems troubling, please don’t hesitate to call us. Even if it turns out to be nothing, I don’t mind checking it out.” 

Lexa handed both of them business cards before taking her leave. She could hear them arguing with each other as she walked down the driveway and couldn’t help but smile at their banter.

They were the definition of small town love. If her memory served her correctly, they had been married for well over forty years. Lexa could only hope one day she’d be sitting on her own front porch bantering with a loved one like that.

The smile disappeared as she glanced over at the house next door. Lexa wanted very badly to go bursting in there and arrest Finn, she wanted to bring justice to someone she knew was being hurt.

Lexa had learned early on in the academy to trust her gut. Straight out of high school Lexa had signed up for the academy and ate up every bit of experience and information they bestowed on her. She graduated top of her class and accepted the open deputy position without a second thought.

The instructors had drilled in their heads that their gut was the best possible weapon they possessed. Her gut had told her over and over that Finn was bad news. How could she not trust it?

What the academy instructors didn’t tell her was how to handle not being able to help someone who desperately needed it. No one told Lexa how to shut off her instincts for the sake of her own sanity.

Instead of leaving right away, Lexa drove down the street to the neighbor on the other side. They were a younger couple that had only moved to the neighborhood a few months ago. They weren’t able to provide any additional information for Lexa, their bedroom sat on the other side of the house and they spent more time at their jobs than they did at home. 

Lexa left there feeling like she was at a dead end. She was hoping someone would have been able to provide her with any information she could use to nail Finn but she left with nothing. 

She was no closer to cracking this case than she was this morning when she finally dragged herself out of bed and it frustrated her beyond belief.

The rest of her day was spent going over all the hospital reports for the forth or fifth time. Lexa practically had all the information memorized but that didn’t stop her from reading them again and again. If there was something in there to help her case, she was determined to find it. 

“Hey Woods, we’re heading over to Lucky’s for a few beers, why don’t you give your brain a break and join us?” Lincoln offered as he took a seat next to her desk. Lexa barely looked up from her reports to shake her head no.

“Not tonight but thanks. Have one for me.” 

She heard Lincoln’s sigh but she wasn’t going to be convinced to leave her work just yet.

“Come on, Lexa, you’re killing yourself with this case. You need a night away. Just come out for few beers then go home and overanalyze everything again. You’re not going to break this thing tonight, just come breathe for a bit.”

Lexa finally looked up at Lincoln and actually thought it over. He wasn’t entirely wrong. Lexa was driving herself crazy trying to find a way to help Clarke. Maybe a night away from her reports would actually help clear her head enough to find a way to solve this mess.

“Okay fine, but just a few beers. And I’m not covering for your ass tonight with Octavia if you get smashed again.”

Lincoln laughed at that and nodded. “That’s a lie and you know it. You’ve covered for me more times than I can count. I swear Octavia trusts you more than she even trusts me. Come on, get changed before Murphy and Miller drink all the beer.”

Lexa felt like she was out of her element as she stepped into Lucky’s that night. She’d been there plenty before, it was the only bar in town and everyone knew the wings were the best in the entire state. But tonight Lexa just felt wrong being there. She felt wrong enjoying something as insignificant as a few beers when somewhere across town Clarke might be in trouble.

Murphy and Miller were quick to cheer when they saw her walk in. A beer fresh from the tap was shoved in her hand before she even had the chance to sit at the bar. She offered Bellamy behind the bar a smile in thanks before she tuned into the conversation flowing around her.

Lexa was three beers into the night when something caught her attention on the other side of the bar. It was usually pretty dark in Lucky’s but she knew her eyes weren’t deceiving her. 

Finn sat at the other end of the bar, a few empty shot glasses surrounding him and a half full beer clenched in his hand. A few of the guys Lexa recognized from the construction site sat around him, joking and laughing and generally having a good time. 

The urge to march over there and punch that smirk off his face was overwhelming but Lexa managed to resist for now. Lincoln was quick to notice Lexa’s attention was lost to something on the other side of the room. A quick glance across the bar had him cursing under his breath.

Lincoln had never had the displeasure of meeting Finn in person before but he would recognize him anywhere. The case files that littered Lexa’s desk for the past week had his picture on them.

“I think it’s time we head out, what do you think?” Lexa shook her head at the suggestion. She wasn’t going anywhere yet. Finn didn’t appear to know she was there and she figured that would be a good chance to see more of his personality. She’d only been able to observe him so far from far away, this gave her an opportunity to get closer and really see who Finn Collins was.

“I think I’m going to stay a little longer. I’m having a good time.” Lexa lied even though she knew Lincoln knew better.

Lexa motioned to Bellamy to bring another round over and got herself comfortable to observe Finn. Her blood boiled when she saw Finn and another guy sitting next to him start to harass two girls that were sitting near them. She could see how uncomfortable the girls were from where she sat. 

She couldn’t hear what they were saying but the inference was clear. Before Lexa had the chance to get up and come to their rescue one of the girls reached forward and slapped Finn across the face. 

“Oh shit.” Lincoln had clearly been watching as well. Lexa prepared herself to need to step in if Finn lost his cool but the girls got up and walked away before he had the chance to even react.

Lexa was out of her seat quickly and hurried to meet them outside before they left.

“Excuse me, sorry, I couldn’t help but notice what occurred in there. I’m a deputy in town, I just wanted to make sure you were both okay.”

The taller girl nodded her head for both of them. “We’re fine, nothing we haven’t dealt with before.”

“What did he do to deserve the slap?”

The girls looked between each other unsure if they wanted the trouble or not.

“You’re not in any trouble, I just want to ensure they didn’t do anything that would warrant charges.”

“No, nothing like that. The one with the long hair clearly feels like he’s God’s gift to women. He thought he could smooth talk his way into my pants but jerk isn’t really my type. He was being a typical egotistical guy, I’m not really sorry for slapping him.” Lexa nodded at the information. It took a lot to keep her cool when they revealed that he was trying to hook up with someone else when he had a wife and daughter at home.

“Did he threaten you or anything along those lines?” Lexa almost wanted them to say yes so she had a reason to bring Finn in. Maybe it could be the break she really needed.

“No threats. He was just a desperate guy. It’s not the first time and I’m sure it won’t be the last time a guy in a bar thought he was something special.”

“I’m really sorry you had to experience that here. Let me walk you ladies to your car.” They seemed almost relieved at the offer and headed away from the bar again, this time with Lexa walking beside them. She remained by their side until they were safely in their car and driving away.

When Lexa turned back to the bar she spotted Finn and his friend standing near the door, almost as though they were watching her. She had a good idea what they had come outside for and she was even more thankful she had opted to walk the girls to their car and see them off.

Never one to be intimidated even if the situation probably warranted it, Lexa walked back towards the bar. Finn and his friend remained right at the entrance.

“Deputy Woods, nice night out isn’t it?” Finn smirked in her direction, feeling like he was above the law completely. Lexa wanted to slap that smirk off his face but she refrained.

“It certainly was, now not so much.” She stopped in front of Finn and looked him right in the eye. He was right around the same height as her so she could easily stare him down. “It’s a pity two young girls can’t seem to get a few drinks together without being harassed. I’m sure you two wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

Lexa’s eyes never left Finn’s despite the fact that she was talking to both of the men.

“No deputy, we didn’t see much of anything except a sorry excuse for an officer drowning her depressing life away with a few beers.” Lexa knew the shot was meant to offend her but she didn’t give the satisfaction of reacting to it.

“You’d certainly know about a depressing life, wouldn’t you? I mean, anyone who needs to beat up a woman to feel good about himself must be really sad and depressed.” Lexa watched the anger build quickly in Finn’s face. His fists clenched by his side and his jaw clenched. 

His buddy noticed the change in Finn and quickly grabbed his shoulders to steer him back inside before he could do something stupid. Finn looked like he wanted to pull away and approach Lexa again but his friend was able to get him back in the bar. 

Lexa thought about going back in but she knew it would be a better idea to leave. She had already pissed Finn off and the sinking feeling in her stomach when she realized what that could possibly mean to Clarke won out. 

Lexa cursed herself when she really thought about it. If she pissed Finn off bad enough for him to go home and take it out on Clarke, Lexa wouldn’t be able to forgive herself. She felt that familiar feeling of uselessness creep up as she realized she wouldn’t stop him from doing just that. 

With a short text message to Lincoln to let him know she was heading home, Lexa began the short walk back home. She only lived about ten minutes away so she bundled her jacket tight around her and buried her hands in her pockets. Her heart was heavy as the cold wind nipped at her exposed skin.

When she arrived back at the small house that had been in her family since long before she was even a thought, Lexa curled up on her couch with her files again and a beer. She only had a few small new tidbits on Finn, but it was enough to renew her determination to find something to bring him in on. She didn’t care that it seemed hopeless, she wouldn’t stop. Not when stopping meant possibly causing someone to lose their life.

Lexa never really thought about why she felt such a strong pull to this case. She always took her work seriously, even the smallest complaints were thoroughly investigated but something felt different about this one. Something was pulling her to investigate harder, to dig deeper, and to protect a woman she didn’t even know. Lexa didn’t have the time to figure out what that pull was, not when her focus needed to be bringing Finn to justice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. Comments make the words flow faster. I'm bradypop over on tumblr, I'll try to post little sneak peeks in between updates if people are interested in them.


	3. Chapter 3

“The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare.  
Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line.  
After that, Hare always reminded himself, ‘Don't brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady  
won the race!’”

Clarke glanced over to see that Emma had fallen to sleep while she read her second bedtime story. ‘The Tortoise and the Hare’ had always been one of Emma’s favorites. She loved following along and looking at all the animals.

The little girl loved animals of all shapes and sizes. Clarke wished time and again that she could bring home an animal for Emma but Finn had forbidden that a long time ago.

Clarke placed the book down on the bedside table and turned to hold Emma for a little while. 

The front door slamming shut jostled Clarke from the light sleep she’d fallen into. She stretched her arms above her head and winced when her broken arm twisted wrong. 

Clarke glanced to her side, making sure Emma hadn’t been disturbed by the noise. Clarke found herself repeating that action frequently, always needing to ensure Emma hadn’t bared witness to the chaos Finn created in their home.

It was much easier to relax when she saw Emma hadn’t woken up at all. Her little bear was tucked safely under her arm and her curly blonde hair framed her face. Clarke wished so badly she could take Emma away from this life. She couldn’t properly provide for the little girl while she spent the majority of her life in fear.

Emma had toys and games to keep her entertained but most of them were bought secondhand and were broken in one way or another. Her clothes didn’t always fit the best or weren't very cute but Clarke ensured she was always as comfortable as possible. 

Emma never complained, she was a happy child who could find joy in just about anything. She was the perfect child and Clarke didn’t even care if that seemed biased.

Clarke wished to have innocence like Emma sometimes. She missed the days when life was as simple as Emma’s was. 

She hadn’t meant to fall asleep in Emma’s bed after she tucked her in for the night. She had lain down to tell her a bedtime story and before she knew it one story turned into two then two turned into sleep. 

Clarke knew there were plenty of things around the house that she needed to get done before Finn got home but her exhaustion coupled with the warmth of her daughter’s small body won out in the end.

It was hard to remember a time when she wasn’t exhausted anymore. Constantly being in fear drained her physically and emotionally. Her life really wasn’t what she had ever imagined it would be.

When Clarke was seventeen years old and dealing with the tragic death of her father, Finn had stepped into her life and picked up the damaged pieces of her soul. He was a friend of a friend throughout high school, always in her periphery but never having her attention. 

He had found her one night a few days after the funeral sitting in the park with her dad’s old jacket bundled around her. He was charming and offered her a shoulder to cry on. He kept her together and helped her heal. He was her lifeline when Clarke pushed everyone else away.

She never understood what it was about Finn that made her let him in when she pushed everyone else away. Clarke trusted him on first glance and she had no idea why.

When Finn came into her life he was a whirlwind of fancy dates and extravagant presents. Clarke was powerless to not fall in love with the gentle soul he portrayed himself as.

Finn came from the type of money Clarke never even dreamed of having and he loved spoiling her with things she never knew she wanted or needed. His dad was in politics and his mom ran a large PR firm. They both spoiled their only son rotten and over time that showed in his actions.

The change in Finn didn’t occur overnight. He truly was a good man for the first three years of their relationship. He doted on her and brought her out of the darkest period of her life. Clarke could never have predicted he would turn into the terrifying man he was today.

When he asked her to move in with him over a romantic dinner at one of the nicest restaurants in town, Clarke didn’t hesitate to say yes. He was all she could have ever dreamed of in a partner and she knew he was the love of her life. 

Clarke truly believed he was going to take care of her and make her happy for the rest of her life.

Finn proposed while they were on vacation in the Poconos. He had whisked her away with no notice and swept her off her feet. The ring was everything Clarke had ever dreamed of and she said yes before he could even finish the question. 

The wedding had been amazing. They had kept it pretty small, only inviting a few close family members. Clarke’s mom wasn’t in attendance, their relationship had strained a long time ago. Abby didn’t approve of Finn and Clarke had a hard time looking her mother in the eye after her dad’s accident.

Everything really was perfect until small issues started to turn into big things. He’d get frustrated if she didn’t clean the dishes from dinner right away. 

He grew jealous when she tried to hang out with her friends. 

He discouraged her from applying to schools, telling her over and over that she would never need to work.

He slammed doors a little too hard when she said something he thought was inappropriate.

The worst part about it was Clarke let him get away with it. She never sent any of her college applications, she stopped hanging out with her friends from high school, she always made sure she put her chores before anything else, and she started only speaking to him when he asked her something directly. 

She let him slowly brainwash her into ignoring the destruction he was creating. Clarke didn’t let herself see who he truly was.

Clarke thinks the biggest turning point was his parents cutting him off. They wanted him to forge his own way after their wedding but Finn took it really bad. He ranted and raged that they were betraying him. 

Finn was planning on coasting by with their money and taking over his mom’s company when she was gone. 

He screamed at her when she offered to find a job to help them pay the bills. He called her ungrateful and disrespectful for even suggesting he couldn’t take care of them.

His frustration turned into violent anger over time. 

It started with Finn gripping her arm too tight one night when she took too long to answer a question. It progressed into him slapping or punching her when she did something he thought was wrong. 

Her first trip to the hospital had come after he slammed her against a wall and gave her a concussion when she didn’t fold his laundry the way he liked.

Clarke stopped feeling comfortable in their shared home and started feeling like she needed to constantly look over her shoulder. 

She had found her way out over just over three years ago. It had started with an idea to find some way to support herself and grew into a plan to escape. Behind his back she had applied for a few jobs and ended up landing one near where her mom lived and made all the arrangements to leave Finn behind. 

The plan had been to reconnect with her mom and explain everything to her. She knew her mom would take her in and help her get back on her feet.

Then the pregnancy test came back positive and all her plans fell to the wayside. 

She couldn’t pack up and leave when she had to worry about supporting a baby. The job she had lined up would barely pay enough to support herself, let alone a baby. 

Even with her mom’s help, she knew she couldn’t leave anymore.

She had thought about still going but before she could talk herself into it, Finn found the pregnancy test.

Even still Clarke could never resent the beautiful little girl she gave birth to after nearly thirteen hours of labor and pain. Finn wasn’t there for the majority of it. 

She had taken a taxi to the hospital when her water broke in the middle of the day and spent the first ten hours with a nurse by her side instead of her husband.

When he finally arrived he was drunk and impatient, offering her no support or encouragement. He was nasty to the doctors and nurses and openly mocked Clarke when she was in pain.

The pregnancy itself had been a blessing in disguise for the nine months it lasted. Finn didn’t place a finger on her in an angry manner while she was carrying their child. Clarke almost believed the pregnancy had changed Finn back to the wonderful man he was before.

Looking back on it, Clarke felt so stupid believing Finn had changed. Clarke was barely in the door with little Emma carefully bundled in her car seat before Finn started screaming again. 

“You went off to the hospital and left this place a disgusting mess. Do you know what happens when you leave dirty dishes in the sink overnight?” Finn had Clarke backed against the door as he screamed in her face. The loud commotion woke the two day old Emma who added to the loud screaming with her own cries. “They bring bugs into this house. I don’t work my ass off every day for you to destroy my home with bugs. Clean this place up and get her to stop screaming.”

Finn didn’t hit her that time and Clarke managed to sneak off to the nursery to calm Emma down. 

The nursery became a safe haven for Clarke over time. Finn didn’t believe it was his job to do things to take care of Emma so he rarely, if ever, ventured into the small room Clarke had painted light pink.

Things slowly got worse over time. He stopped worrying about hitting her where she could hide the bruises because she stayed at home taking care of Emma.

Clarke shook herself from her thoughts of the past when she heard Finn banging the cabinets in the kitchen. She could practically feel his anger from where she laid. It made her want to remain in bed next to Emma and hide until Finn fell asleep for the night.

But she also knew if she stayed in here and Finn came looking for her, he could potentially hurt Emma. Clarke would sooner die then let Finn put a hand on Emma.

“Where the fuck are you? Where’s my goddamn dinner?” Clarke jumped at the anger she heard in his voice. She heard a plate smash against the wall and she quivered slightly in fear.

She carefully slid out of the bed and tucked Emma back in. She gave her a gentle kiss on the head before heading down the hall to the kitchen to face his wrath.

“Finn, you told me you were eating at Lucky’s tonight. I can make you something really quick if you’re hungry.”

Finn advanced on her quickly, backing her into the counter hard before she could prevent it. The alcohol on his breath was obvious as soon as he was close. Clarke should have known better. She should have been prepared for a drunk Finn to show up.

Drunk Finn was probably the worst of them all. He tended to be slightly less violent when he wasn’t drunk. But when he was it was common for Clarke to end up in the hospital.

The amount of anger coming off him seemed excessive but Clarke was in no position to really question why he was so angry.

“You have one fucking job to do and you can’t even get that done. Why are you so fucking useless? I provide everything for you and you can’t even cook me fucking dinner.” Finn grabbed onto her broken arm and twisted causing her to let out a loud cry. 

“I’m sorry, Finn, I’m so sorry. I’ll make something for you now. Please, please just let go of my arm.” Clarke pleaded. 

Finn twisted her arm tighter before pushing away from her. “You have ten minutes.”

He was gone after that, leaving Clarke to cry as quietly as she could. She held her arm to her chest as it throbbed in pain. She had to suck it up and push the pain down to make something for dinner for Finn. 

If he came back in ten minutes and dinner wasn’t done she knew she’d be in big trouble. She quickly through together a sandwich she knew he would like. 

She placed the plate on the table and put a bottle of water down next to it. She knew Finn would be back in the ten minutes he gave her to finish making him food. Once it was all set she walked away from the kitchen before he came back. 

The less she had to deal with him when he was like this, the better. 

She didn’t make it far up the stairs to their bedroom before Finn called her back down. Instead of running like she desperately wanted to, Clarke ventured back downstairs and into the kitchen.

She barely had a foot in the door before she felt a cold burst of water soak her. The bottle of water she had previously placed on the table for Finn had been thrown in her face.

“I don’t know where you get off giving me water when you know I drink beer with my meals. Are you fucking stupid or something? Why do you make me do things like this?” He got in her face again, making her cower back in fear. “Clean this mess up then get out of my sight.”

Luckily Finn didn’t hit her again, he simply threw the water bottle at her feet and stomped back to the table where a bottle of beer waited for him.

Once the water had been mopped up Clarke made her way upstairs to change out of the wet clothes and dry her hair. 

She pulled on a pair of sweatpants and a long sleeve t-shirt. She couldn’t find it in herself to look at the bruises anymore. She covered up as much as she could as often as possible.

She curled onto her side of the bed once she was done and rubbed her hand over the card that was hidden in her pillow case. 

Clarke couldn’t forget the look of concern she saw from the deputy that interviewed her last week. She felt exposed as she lied and lied to hide what had truly happened to her. No one had ever looked at her like Lexa had that night. 

She felt like Lexa was seeing right through every one of her lies and it made her want to run and hide. No one could know she was lying or Finn would kill her. 

“If you ever tell anyone about this, you won’t live long enough to regret it, do you understand me?” Finn had husked in her ear more than once.

It took a little effort to pull the card from its hiding spot. She ran her fingers over the bent edges as she silently cursed herself for being too weak to pick up the phone and call Deputy Woods. It would be so easy to just pick up the phone and explain everything to her. 

Clarke knew it would change everything but she wasn’t sure if it would be for good or for bad. If she confessed everything to Lexa and she didn’t protect her, Finn would kill her.

It just wasn’t a chance she felt comfortable taking. 

She couldn’t risk leaving her daughter without a mother. Or worse, she couldn’t risk leaving her daughter in the care of Finn. Or even worse, she couldn’t risk him possibly hurting Emma. 

Clarke had taken many beatings because she was protecting Emma from Finn’s anger.

She knew the deputy was only looking out for her best interest. It honestly felt good to have someone try to protect her. Even if she knew she was a lost cause.

She also knew the deputy was spending an excessive amount of time outside of their house. It was common when she peered through the shades to see the familiar cruiser parked across the street. It made her feel safer to know she was out there.

Clarke reached over to Finn’s side of the bed and grabbed the landline from the table. She didn’t have a cell phone, Finn felt like she didn’t need one. She dialed the deputy’s number but hung up before it could go through. 

“I can do this. I need to do this.” She dialed the phone again but hung it up before it could ring. “I… I can’t do this.” 

She shook her head at herself, she could never get away. Her life was with Finn and she couldn’t do anything to change that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. I'm Bradypop over on tumblr. I'll try posting some sneak peeks between updates if people are interested.


	4. Chapter 4

The shades were drawn open in the Collins house for the first time in what felt like forever. Finn preferred them closed because he hated anyone being able to see in on their private life. But today was a little different. 

Finn had to go into the city for a potential job and he was scheduled to stay there overnight. It was the first night since Clarke could remember that he was gone for longer than an eight hour work day. She was going to cherish every single second of it.

“Mommy, can we go to the park? I wanna feed duckies.” Clarke looked away from where she had been staring out into the backyard and smiled down at Emma.

“I think that sounds like an amazing idea. Let’s get dressed in something warm, it’s still a little cold outside.” Emma jumped a little in glee and reached up to take Clarke’s hand. Clarke couldn’t help but smile at her daughter’s excitement. It felt foreign to smile but she really liked the feeling.

“What color do you want to wear today?” Clarke looked over the clothes in Emma’s closet and pulled a bunch out for Emma to choose from.

“Pink! With the ducky!” Emma pointed to a pale pink sweater with a yellow duck on the front. Clarke laid it on the bed with a pair of warm pants. 

Clarke helped Emma change into the outfit and picked out a pair of boots she knew would keep her little feet warm. 

It was always a small battle to get Emma into her shoes. She seemed to have an aversion to wearing shoes. Clarke remembered her own mother telling her stories about Clarke as a child constantly running around barefoot so she figured this was payback for the trouble she put her mom through.

“Emma, you can’t go to the park without shoes. The duckies don’t want bread from little girls who won’t wear shoes.” 

Emma looked slightly horrified at that and quickly ran over to let Clarke put the shoes on her. Clarke smiled at the small triumph.

“Mommy, do you think the momma duck will be there this time?” Clarke pretended to think it over for a second. The last time they had been there Emma insisted on naming all the ducks and proclaimed the biggest one to be the momma duck. 

“I think she might be. We’ll see when we get there.” Emma smiled wide at that. “If she is I bet she’ll be really happy to see you.”

Clarke gathered everything together for their trip once she was dressed in her own warm outfit. She grabbed two loaves of bread and wrote herself a note on the fridge to make sure she replaced the bread before Finn noticed they were wasted.

She pulled a knit beanie on her head and grabbed one for Emma as well. 

“All ready to go, baby girl?” Emma nodded from under the brim of her hat. She took her hand again and followed Clarke as they started walking down the street. Clarke didn’t have a car of her own so she could only go places that where within walking distance. 

Emma’s little legs couldn’t keep up the pace for long so Clarke lifted her onto her hip and carried her a good majority of the way. It was pretty painful to carry her while she pressed against the bruises on her ribs but she would deal with the pain if it meant making her baby more comfortable. 

“Mommy, can I color more on your cast?” Emma tapped the cast on the arm that wasn’t holding Emma up.

“Of course. What do you want to draw?”

Clarke smiled along as Emma babbled about all the different things she wanted to draw on the cast. The rest of the walk to the park was filled with Emma’s excited babbling and Clarke couldn’t have asked for anything better. 

The park was pretty empty when they got there, the weather still keeping most people away. Emma kicked her legs to get down once the pond was in sight so Clarke placed her down and took her hand again. 

Emma dragged them over to the pond and held out her hand for a piece of bread. The ducks took notice of them right away and started gathering around to get some food. Clarke was so lost in the sound of Emma’s giggles that she forgot to give her the bread right away. It wasn’t until she felt Emma pulling on the leg of her pants did she snap out of her reverie.

“Make sure you break it up into little pieces for them.” Clarke helped her break up the bread and watched her toss it to the ducks. She took a seat on a bench near the pond and kept a close eye on Emma.

“Don’t get too close to the water, sweetie.” Clarke called towards her when she noticed her getting a little too close. That water had to be freezing and she really didn’t feel like taking a swim in it today. Emma took a step back when Clarke instructed her to.

Clarke was too focused on keeping an eye on Emma to notice someone approaching her. She tensed slightly when she finally did hear the footsteps right behind her. She turned quickly, not liking the idea of anyone creeping up on her.

It didn’t take long to relax when her eyes met Lexa. 

“Good morning Mrs. Collins. Sure is a pretty day out today.” Lexa removed her hat and moved to sit further down on the bench.

“Deputy Woods, somehow I’m not really surprised you knew I was here.” Clarke was weary of her presence. 

“I honestly just happened to be driving by and saw you out here. I just wanted to see how you were feeling.” Lexa motioned to Clarke’s arm. 

Clarke pulled her arm to her chest subconsciously and shrugged.

“I’m good. It’s healing well.” Clarke lied. It probably would be healing well if Finn didn’t twist it or bash it against things when she did something that upset him. Clarke was certain he had probably broken it again at least once.

Emma came running over when she ran out of bread but stopped a little ways away when she noticed her mom talking to someone she didn’t know. She looked between the two women for a minute before she noticed Lexa’s hat that sat on the bench between them.

“Are you a police officer?” Emma asked as she approached Lexa. 

Lexa broke her gaze away from Clarke and looked down at Emma with a kind smile.

“I am. My name is Lexa, what’s yours?” 

“Emma.” 

“Well Emma, it’s really nice to meet you.” She noticed Emma looking at her hat and held it up for her to try on. “My hat is my favorite part of the job. Isn’t the star really cool?” 

Emma looked to Clarke to see if it was okay to take the hat. When she saw Clarke nod she reached up and took the hat into her hands. 

“Do you want to know a secret?” Emma nodded in excitement. “When I put my hat on I get super powers. It helps me be the bravest deputy in the whole town. Do you want to try it out?” 

“Mommy tells me I’m the bravest little girl there ever, ever was.” Lexa couldn’t help but smile wide at that. She was immensely impressed by the spirit in the little girl. She could only hope the same fire existed in Clarke to help her through her pain.

“Well I guess my hat would be pretty useless for you then. How about your mommy, do you think she’d like to wear it then?” 

Emma looked over at Clarke before nodding and walking over to her. She hoisted herself onto the bench next to Clarke and placed the hat on her head. “How do you feel?”

“I feel really brave right now. But do you know what would make me even braver? A hug from my favorite little girl. I think your hugs are full of amazing super powers.”

Emma giggled and launched herself into Clarke’s arms. She caught her in a tight hug and bit back the groan of pain she felt when Emma launched into her.

Lexa was observant enough to see the wince on her face, though. She kept quiet for now, not wanting to say anything in front of Emma. 

Clarke took the hat off her head and placed it on Emma’s over her beanie. “I broke up some more bread for the ducks, why don’t you take the bag and give them the rest. Momma duck and her babies look hungry.”

Emma got off the bench and took the bag before running back over to the pond. 

“Do you want to know what I think?” Clarke glanced over at Lexa when she spoke again. Lexa’s gaze stayed out on the pond. “I think you’ve lived in pain for so long you don’t realize what it means to not be anymore. I think he’s hurt you to the point you don’t even know how to be yourself and I think he took your identity away from you. I think he’s convinced you that this life is the best you could possibly have and all I want to do is show you is that it isn’t. You’re worth so much more than this. I really wish you could see that.”

Clarke felt like running away as she listened to Lexa nail so many things about herself that even she wasn’t aware of until it was right in her face.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you so fixated on me? I’ve told you already, I’m fine. No one is hurting me.” Clarke felt like an awful person as she continued to lie. 

“That night in the hospital you told me you fell on ice in your driveway, right?” Clarke nodded feeling increasingly nervous. “I went by your house when I left the hospital. There was no ice in your driveway and I checked the entire thing. I wanted it to be there so badly so my suspicions could be proved wrong but there just wasn’t any. I’m not trying to bother you, I just want to help.”

Lexa kept her voice calm and quiet as to not scare Clarke off. She was well aware she might not get a chance to speak to her again and she didn’t want to ruin this chance.

“I’m really clumsy, I thought it was ice I slipped on. I must have been mistaken. Please, please just drop this. Finn is a good man and he’d never hurt me.” Clarke felt sick to her stomach as she spewed lie after lie. 

Just one look at Lexa made her see how much Lexa didn’t believe her. She didn’t know if there was anything she could say to make Lexa believe her. Clarke jumped when she felt Lexa’s hand on her leg but she didn’t feel like it was out of fear. Something else passed through her that she very quickly pushed away.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to pressure you, Clarke. And I promise I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I just want to make sure you’re safe. I’ve been trained to follow my instincts and every single thing in me says Finn is hurting you. You show every single sign of being abused. Your daughter needs her mom, what would happen to her if Finn does something and takes you away from her?”

Clarke’s fists clenched at that. Not because she was angry at Lexa for calling her out, but because she was angry at herself for having the exact same fear day in and day out and never doing anything about it.

Before Clarke could find something to say in response Emma came running back over with Lexa’s hat hanging over her eyes. Lexa took her hand off Clarke’s leg and reached over before Emma could run right into the bench and scooted the hat back on her head. 

“I think I need to find you a hat that fits a little better.” Lexa smiled down at her and couldn’t help but laugh at the little girl’s exuberance. 

“I can have my very own hat? Just for me?”

“Absolutely.” Lexa took the hat back when Emma took it off and handed it to her. 

“Did you hear that mommy? I get my own super powers hat. And you can wear it whenever daddy makes you sad.” Clarke’s stomach dropped when she heard Emma say that. On top of being about Lexa hearing it and using it against her, it really hurt to know Emma was starting to pick up on the problems.

“That’s great, sweetie. It’ll look really cute on you.” Clarke looked down at the empty bag in Emma’s hand. “If all the bread is gone we should be getting back home. It’s getting cold and I think it’s just about lunch time.” 

Clarke stood up and started gathering their stuff, praying Lexa would just let the comment go.

Lexa wanted to ask so many questions but she knew better than to use a child to get more information. She stood quickly when she saw Clarke trying to hurry away.

“I couldn’t help but notice there weren’t any cars in the parking lot besides mine. I’d be more than happy to give you a ride home. You said it yourself, it’s getting a little cold out.” She offered hoping it would give Clarke more of a chance to open up to her.

“We really don’t mind walking but thank you. I could always use the extra exercise.”

“Mommy, mommy, if we go with Lexa can I play with the pretty lights on her car?” Clarke didn’t have it in her to turn down her daughter and somehow Emma knew that. She very rarely asked for things so it was really hard to turn her down when she finally did.

Lexa smiled when she realized her best ally in this battle was going to be a three year old. 

“I’m sure Lexa has a lot of other important things to do, sweetie. Maybe another time.” 

Clarke really did want to turn the offer down. Something about Lexa disarmed her and made her feel too open and vulnerable and all she wanted to do was lock herself back in her house and forget all about the deputy with the pretty eyes.

Clarke didn’t have time to think about why all of a sudden she thought the deputy’s eyes were pretty.

The pout that appeared on her daughter’s face did her in. She couldn’t deny that pout yet, she hadn’t built up a tolerance to it because she so seldom pulled it out.

“I really don’t mind at all and I’d love to show Emma the lights and maybe even the siren.”

Clarke took a deep breath before she nodded in acceptance. Part of her was terrified to take the ride. Even though she knew it was impossible, she felt like Finn would be there when she got home and she knew without a doubt he would kill her if she pulled up in the cruiser with Lexa.

Emma cheered and instead of taking Clarke’s hand again she reached out for Lexa’s. It gave the woman pause for a minute before she relaxed. 

Lexa didn’t have a whole lot of experience with kids but one thing she truly admired in them was their ability to trust with their entire hearts at first sight.

Lexa looked up at Clarke to make sure it was okay for her to take Emma’s hand. The last thing she wanted to do was overstep any boundaries and upset her. Clarke gave her a subtle nod and hoisted her bag up on her shoulder.

Lexa followed behind Clarke as she headed for the parking lot with Emma’s little hand in her own. When they reached the cruiser Lexa opened the passenger door for Clarke to take a seat in before she walked around to the other side with Emma. 

She had her climb in the driver’s seat and showed her which buttons to press to turn the lights on. Emma’s entire face lit up when the lights started illuminating the car. 

“Do you want to try the siren? It can be a little loud.” Lexa warned before she let the girl try. She didn’t know how she’d react to loud sounds and she didn’t want to scare her. 

“I wanna try.” Clarke nudged Emma’s arm.

“What do you say?”

“I wanna try please. And thank you.” 

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her manners. 

“Okay, this switch here will turn the siren on. This knob will change what it sounds like.” Lexa pointed them all out and let Emma go crazy with him. The loud sounds didn’t seem to bother her at all and Lexa swore she could hear the little girl’s giggles over the commotion.

Lexa reached over after a few minutes to shut it off before she attracted too much attention. 

“Are you ladies ready to head home?” Lexa asked and when she received nods from both of them she helped Emma into the backseat and buckled her up.

“The radio is all yours, put on whatever you want to hear.” Clarke furrowed her brows at that. She was never allowed to touch the radio in the car so she was scared this was a trick. 

One time she tried turning the radio down because Emma was sleeping and Finn knocked her hand away so hard she thought it was broken. She never touched the radio again after that.

Instead of changing the station, Clarke just kept looking out the window and avoided speaking.

Lexa didn’t press the subject and hummed along to the radio. She glanced in the rearview mirror when she heard Emma trying to hum along with her.

“Do you like country music, Emma?” The little girl nodded without actually knowing what the difference was.

“She just loves music, doesn’t matter much what it is.” Clarke answered without looking away from the window.

Lexa nodded at that and turned it up a little Emma could hear it better.

It only took a few more minutes to get back to Clarke’s house. When she arrived Lexa pulled up into the driveway and cut the engine.

“Let me walk you ladies to the door.” Lexa got out and hurried around to open Clarke’s door for her. She helped Emma out next and let the girl wear her hat again as they walked to the door. 

Emma hurried into the house to go play once the door was open. Clarke stopped once they got to the doorway and turned around. 

“Thank you for the ride. Have a good rest of your day.” Clarke did her best to brush Lexa off before she could ask more questions. 

Lexa could see the fear in Clarke’s eyes and all Lexa wanted to do was make that go away. She’s never wanted to protect someone as much as she wanted to protect Clarke in that moment.

“I don’t want to push you, Clarke. I promise I mean no harm.” Lexa took a step back. “I’ll leave you be as soon as I get my hat back.”

Lexa had pushed Clarke enough for today, she didn’t want to overdo it and push Clarke away for good. She really felt like she made some progress today and she didn’t want to lose all that.

Clarke looked confused for a minute before she realized Emma had snuck inside with her hat. 

“Emma, can you bring Lexa’s hat back please? She needs to get back to work.” Lexa smiled in thanks when Emma ran back over and handed it to her.

“Thank you very much, little lady. I’ll swing by with a hat of your own very soon.” Lexa was taken aback slightly when Emma launched herself into Lexa’s arms for a hug. 

“Oh wow, best hug ever. I think your mommy was right, those hugs really have super powers. Thank you.” Lexa gave her a squeeze before letting her go so she could run off again. 

Lexa looked up at Clarke as she put her hat back up. “I’m always a phone call away, Clarke. No matter what time, okay? I’m always there.”

“I appreciate it but I’m fine. Have a good day.” Clarke walked inside and closed the door behind her.

She leaned against the door once it was closed and took a deep breath. She didn’t know why everything felt so exposed when Lexa was near her but it was really hard to handle.

Clarke wanted to call for Lexa to come back and take them with her but she knew it wasn’t possible. Finn would never let her go. If she went with Lexa Finn would hunt her down and hurt both of them. 

She’d never let someone else get hurt for her. She was stuck with Finn, no one else ever needed to be hurt by him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. Writing Clarke's story hasn't been easy but I think it's really important. The subject matter isn't pretty but hopefully this chapter can give you a little relief from the angst. I'm Bradypop over on tumblr if you have any questions or comments.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little warning for this chapter: Finn is a homophobic jerk. He uses some not so appropriate words near the end of the chapter. I mean no offense to anyone.

A plain black button up rested on the ironing board in Lexa’s kitchen, long since forgotten. She was too busy scrambling around the house to get ready to even remember she hadn’t put her shirt on yet.

Lincoln had invited her over for dinner and Lexa was actually looking forward to the night out but she was running so behind. 

In the past week she’d been so busy at work she barely had time to even think about eating. Between keeping tabs on Finn and the rest of her daily responsibilities, Lexa was nonstop from punch in to punch out. 

Today she had left work almost two hours later than she was supposed to because she had fallen so far behind her paperwork Sergeant Kane had spoken to her about it. 

The shame she felt because she had to be spoken to helped hurry her work along. Apparently shame was the best motivator.

By the time she finalized her last report it was almost five o’clock and she was due at Lincoln’s at six thirty. She wouldn’t admit she broke the speed limit getting home from the station but it was one of the times she was happy she was a cop.

Lexa pulled on the shirt she finally remember over her beater and buttoned it up. She glanced at the clock before going back to the bathroom to fix her hair. There was almost no way she’d get there on time but she figured just being close would be good enough.

An expensive bottle of wine sat on the counter in the kitchen, ready to be used as her way of apologizing for running late and possibly not being the best friend lately while she was so preoccupied with her work.

Somewhere in the house Lexa could hear her phone ringing but it was ignored for now. She assumed it was Lincoln calling to see where she was so she was content with letting it go ignored for now.

Once her hair was slightly less out of control Lexa grabbed her wallet and keys before looking around for her phone. She finally located it next to the bottle of wine so she grabbed both and made sure she wasn’t forgetting anything else. 

She pulled on her leather jacket and was finally out the door, only ten minutes late. Lincoln only lived five minutes away from Lexa’s place but the ride took close to ten because she took the long way around to pass by the Collins house.

It was so routine for her now to drive by their house no matter where else she needed to be. She didn’t really like doing it in her own personal car but she just opted to drive by quickly and make sure everything seemed okay.

The shades were closed and only one room appeared to have a light on upstairs. Lexa saw Finn’s car in the driveway and wanted very badly to go knock on the door and check on Clarke’s wellbeing but a chime from her phone told her she couldn’t do that.

Lexa took a deep breath and gripped the steering wheel a little harder before she drove away.

Lincoln and Octavia’s house was the picture of perfection, just like the couple.

They had a gorgeous two story house with a white picket fence out front and a large play area in the back for their son Deacon to play on when he got a little older. 

Lexa had spent a whole weekend working with Lincoln last summer to build the gymnasium for Deacon. It had been one of the most rewarding weekends of her life, the couple had become part of her family and that weekend made her really feel like it. 

They had just found out the sex of the baby and Lincoln had been practically glowing as they worked. 

When they asked her to be the godmother only a few short months later, Lexa said yes and pretended she didn’t have tears in her eyes. Lincoln didn’t tease her for it. Much.

Their golden retriever Redford happily greeted Lexa at the door and she couldn’t help but stop to pay some attention to him. 

She’d been meaning to get a dog of her own but the amount of time she spent away from home would make it hard to have one. For now, Redford would have to do when she needed a dog fix.

Lexa had grown up with dogs her entire life but when she moved away from home to take this job and it had never been the right time to get another one.

“Only twenty minutes late. I’m impressed.” Lexa smiled up at Lincoln and handed him the bottle of wine she brought.

“It’s not easy to look this good.” She smirked and looked behind him to see where Octavia was. “Where’s your better half?”

“In the kitchen feeding Deacon.” Lexa moved past him and into the kitchen. She saw Lincoln every day at work, she barely got to see Octavia and her godson. 

“I don’t know who I want to hug first so I’m going to settle on both of you.” Lexa wrapped her arms around Octavia who was holding Deacon and cooed down at the baby. She practically giggled when he smiled up at her.

“Oh sure, he smiles for you. He grunts and gurgles at me, throws up on me, and even occasionally pees on me, but you show up and you get a smile. Not fair.” Lexa laughed at Octavia’s pout and pulled back so she could scoop Deacon into her arms. 

“I’m a new face. He’s seen nothing but the two of you for the last month, I’m sure it’s nothing personal.” Lexa made faces down at Deacon to see if she could get him to smile again. She squealed when he laughed at her funny faces.

“I don’t even care that that was probably a fart, you are just the most handsomest baby I’ve ever seen. Yes you are. With that cute little button nose and those pretty brown eyes just like your daddy. You are so lucky, little man, you won the genetic lottery.”

Octavia laughed at Lexa’s antics and motioned to the baby swing in the corner of the room.

“Dinner is just about ready, do you want to put him in his swing so we can eat?” Lexa shook her head at that instantly, opting to hold onto him for as long as possible. 

“I can totally eat with one hand.” 

Lexa loved his new baby smell and she couldn’t deny holding Deacon made all the other troubles in her world fade away. Octavia laughed at the look on Lexa’s face and guided her to the table so she could at least sit. 

Lincoln popped open the bottle of wine and poured a glass for each of them. As new parents they didn’t get the chance to drink pretty much ever but he figured one glass with dinner wouldn’t hurt anyone and god knows Lexa could use the help relaxing.

Dinner was an interesting affair. Octavia’s cooking has always been amazing and Lexa loved to hear her stories about the new things Deacon was doing.

Lexa did her best to not talk about work at all but Lincoln could tell she was dying to talk about it. In the end Octavia ended up being the one to bring it up.

“So Lincoln was telling me you’ve got a tough case going on right now.” Lexa glanced over at Lincoln before nodding to Octavia. She was surprised he had brought his work up with Octavia, she thought he had a rule against that.

“Yeah, local as—uh, local jerk is using his wife as a punching bag and I can’t get any proof to arrest him with.” Lexa held in her swear when she remembered impressionable little ears were nearby.

“That’s awful.” Octavia shook her head and downed the rest of her glass. “Is the woman okay?”

Lexa shrugged, not really sure how to answer that.

“She’s alive but I’m not sure I’d classify her as okay. As far as I can tell this has been going on for years, Clarke’s been programmed to be okay with it. And they’ve got a little girl, god knows how hard it must be on her growing up in that environment.”

Octavia’s eyes widened in surprise when Lexa let the name slip out of her mouth.

“Wait, Clarke Griffin? Or I guess she would be Clarke Collins now. Is that who you’re talking about?” Lincoln looked concerned that his wife knew who they were. If Finn really was the problem he appeared to be, Lincoln didn’t want him anywhere near Octavia.

“How do you know Clarke?” Lexa could see Lincoln’s concern but she wasn’t going to be swayed from getting information. Octavia was the first person she’d found that knew Clarke and apparently she knew her before she became Clarke Collins.

“I grew up with her, we met in first grade and became instant best friends. Ironically, she stood up to a bully that was picking on me. She and I were really close until the end of high school. Her dad died when we were juniors and it kind of just changed everything. Started dating Finn and dropped the rest of her friends.”

Lexa wished she had a way to write every word down. She hadn’t had a break like this since the case fell on her lap and she didn’t want to risk forgetting anything.

“Did you know Finn, too?” Lexa hadn’t been able to get any real information on Finn’s past besides his one previous arrest. 

“I knew of him but he wasn’t really the type of person I would be friends with. He was a rich jerk back then. His parents were beyond loaded and he loved to show off how much money they threw at him. I grew up with next to nothing so he looked at me like I was a piece of trash. There were always rumors about how many girls he would sleep with, just a real true jerk. I could never really understand what Clarke was doing with him.”

Octavia looked over at Lincoln when he cleared his throat.

“There are a lot of other things we could be talking about besides work.” 

Lexa really wanted to object, this information was golden to her but this was Lincoln’s home and she wouldn’t do something that made him uncomfortable in it.

“Lex and I will talk about it later then. Clarke was important to me, if she’s being abused I want to help however I can.” Octavia sent Lincoln a look that let him know he wasn’t going to be winning this argument.

“Last time I heard, his parents cut him off a few years ago. They kind of dropped off the radar after that. I mean, I knew she probably still lived in town but I haven’t seen her in years. Not since her mom moved away,” Octavia explained while Lincoln got up to start clearing off the table.

“Do you know her mom? I can’t imagine she’s very happy about Finn.” Octavia shook her head.

“Abby was like a second mom to me, I was that close with Clarke. There were three of us that spent pretty much all our free time together. Abby was chief surgeon down at County Medical. Clarke wasn’t always very close with her mom because her job kept her really busy. But their relationship fell apart completely after Clarke’s dad died.” 

Lexa looked a little confused by that. It didn’t make sense that Clarke wouldn’t rely more on the one surviving parent.

“Her dad died in a car accident. Abby was working the night he was brought it, she took him to surgery and couldn’t save him. Clarke blamed her mom for it. Abby spent almost ten hours in surgery trying to save him but she couldn’t and she ended up losing both her husband and her daughter. I never understood how Clarke could blame her mom but then again, I’ve never been in that position.”

Lexa sat back in her chair, feeling even worse than she did before. Nothing about Clarke’s life appeared to be easy. Her determination to bring Finn to justice and help Clarke was renewed as Octavia told her more and more.

“Did you ever see him being violent?” Lexa knew it was likely his violence had started in high school. She’d read case after case to research and she found that most men who abused women had some type of history with violence.

Lexa would never know if Finn had learned the abuse at home so she needed to rely on the information she got about his early years.

“I never saw him be violent towards anyone but he was a bully. He tormented people that he thought weren’t cool enough to be seen with him. Honestly, I don’t know how Clarke ever got into a relationship with him after seeing him act the way he was for so long. But Clarke wasn’t the same after her dad died. She was so closed off and angry.”

Lexa grabbed the bottle of wine and refilled her glass as she listened to Octavia explain more about their past. There wasn’t anything she said that made Lexa believe any less that Clarke was in trouble. 

Unfortunately she didn’t know how to use any of the new information to help Clarke.

Lincoln manages to eventually steer the conversation away from Clarke and Finn as they move into the living room to watch a movie. 

Lexa doesn’t focus too much on the movie as her mind continues to race with different ideas. She needs to find a way to get Clarke away from Finn.

As Lexa drove back home much later that night, an idea popped into her head. She knew it wasn’t likely Clarke’s mom knew about the kind of man Finn was, Octavia made it pretty clear Clarke hadn’t started dating Finn until after her dad died and by then she had already sworn off her mom. 

If she could find a way to get in touch with Abby and explain what was going on to her, maybe she could convince Clarke to leave Finn. 

But then again, it could do considerably more damage if Clarke still wanted nothing to do with her mom. Lexa didn’t know if Clarke wanted to reconnect with her mom and was just unable to because Finn prevented it or if she still blamed her mom for her dad’s death. 

It was clearly a messy situation and the last thing Lexa wanted to do was create more mess for Clarke.

Just as quickly as the idea materialized, Lexa realized it needed to disappear. She couldn’t get Abby involved if it could possibly cause Clarke more pain.

She needed another idea, something that was fool proof. Unfortunately she’d spent the past three weeks trying to find an idea and still had nothing to show for it. 

Sleep didn’t come easily for Lexa that night, her dreams were haunted by images of Clarke being hurt over and over. All the new information from Octavia made Lexa’s head spin. 

How was she supposed to carry on doing nothing about this when she knew how awful of a person Finn was?

Lexa barely even felt like she had closed her eyes when her alarm was blaring the next morning. The wine she had consumed the night before still bogged her mind down and she couldn’t get the images that had haunted her night out of the head.

It took her longer than normal to get herself dressed and ready to leave for the day. It was even harder to find motivation to not drive to Finn’s house and beat him until he couldn’t move again.

Instead of doing that Lexa drove straight to the station and tried to find something to distract herself with. 

“Why do you look like you haven’t slept in days? What’s going on with you, Woods?” Lexa glanced away from her computer and sat up straighter when she noticed it was Sergeant Kane talking to her.

“Nothing, sir. Just haven’t been sleeping all that well. I’m about to head out on patrol, I’ll make sure to grab an extra-large coffee. Would you like me to bring one back for you?” Lexa was doing her best to get the attention off herself. 

The last thing she wanted was for Kane to pull her off this case entirely.

“No to the coffee but thank you. Is this about the Collins case? Is this becoming too much for you? I don’t want you to burn yourself out over this. I can reassign the case to someone else.”

Lexa shook her head instantly. “No, sir, I’m not in over my head at all, I just really want to nail this guy. I promise my work isn’t suffering because of it. I’ve put in three weeks of work already, you can’t give this to someone else.” 

“Woods, I understand this is important to you but you are getting too attached personally. You’re one of the best deputies I have, you know better than to let a case affect you this personally.”

“I’m not getting attached, I’m just determined to help her. She’s being abused, I think they only way I wouldn’t have strong feelings about that would be if I were a robot. My emotions make me a good deputy, you’ve told me that before.”

Kane looked her over for a minute before nodding and walking away to let her get back to work. Lexa took a deep breath and tried to calm her racing heart. She didn’t know what she’d do if she couldn’t investigate Finn more. She’d never be able to live with herself if she failed Clarke.

Lexa took the opportunity to get away before he could come back and try to talk her into leaving the case again.

She grabbed the keys to her cruiser and her hat before leaving the station and getting herself comfortable inside her car. This was her home away from home most days.

Lexa knew inside her car she could make a real difference for people, now hopefully that could be true for Clarke. 

“Deputy 225 to base, you can put me on the board. I’ll be patrolling south of Main.”

“Copy 225, we have you on the board now.” Lexa turned the radio down slightly and started driving up and down the streets south of Main Street.

She hadn’t done a lot of patrol in this area lately, the Collins house was on the other side of town and Finn’s job was near it. It actually felt good to be away from that area and focusing on something else.

Lexa didn’t want to think about the guilt that came with focusing on something else when she knew Clarke probably couldn’t.

She found a spot to hide near one of the main drags and took out her radar gun. She sat there for a few hours, occasionally pulling over cars that broke the speed limit but letting most off with just a warning.

Lexa was just getting ready to take a break when a familiar truck zoomed by her car going well over the speed limit. She grit her teeth and threw the lights on before tearing out of her hiding spot and getting right behind the truck.

It took Finn a few minutes to react which just pissed Lexa off more but eventually he pulled off to the side of the road and parked. 

“Deputy 225 to base, I’m off with a white Ford F-250 license plate echo, echo, 3, 4, bravo, 9. Excessive speeding and failure to stop.” 

Lexa approached Finn’s truck and tapped on the window, he rolled his eyes and rolled his window down just a few inches. 

“Deputy Woods, you seem to make a habit out of stalking me. I told you all girls can’t help but flock to me.” Lexa clenched her jaw and held back the urge to punch him.

“You know you really are the grossest thing I’ve ever set my eyes on. Why don’t you hand over your license, registration and proof of insurance before I take you back to the station for harassment?”

Finn complied and handed everything over. “Don’t move.” She warned before heading back to her car to run his information in the system.

“Deputy 225, that plate comes back registered to a Finn Collins out of Longmeadow Street. No current warrants, one prior for assault, and one open investigation into domestic abuse.” Lexa knew all this information already. 

She responded to the dispatcher and finished running all of Finn’s information. 

It took her another few minutes to write out his ticket for breaking the speed limit and refusing to stop for the police. She took her time, not caring that she was leaving Finn waiting for her. 

She got a little enjoyment out of making him upset.

Once she was done she approached the car again and made Finn step out.

“You were driving twenty eight miles over the speed limit and you took almost five minutes to pull over. This is a summons to appear for both offenses.” 

Lexa pressed the ticket into Finn’s chest and barely pulled her hand away when he took it.

“You know, Lexa, you’re not the only one that can ask around about someone. A lot of people in this town seem to know you, or I guess they know who you like to keep you company. At first I thought you were obsessed with me but I get it now. You’re a dyke and think you can get your filthy hands on my wife.” 

Lexa’s jaw clenched in anger when she heard what Finn called her. Lexa grew up in a small town of her own, she’d been called that word plenty of times. She normally could just brush it off but hearing it from Finn really made her skin crawl.

Her hand went to her holstered taser and she wanted so badly to use it to wipe that smug smirk off his face.

“I hit a nerve, didn’t I? Well let me make this really, really clear for you. Clarke is my wife, she is never going to leave me and I’m sure she finds you just as gross as I do. She enjoys having sex with me, you know, a man who can actually satisfy her.” 

Lexa had the taser out of her holster and pressed against Finn’s neck before she could even think about what she was really doing.

“Do you want to know what kind of man has to beat his wife? A coward. Studies show men who abuse their wife’s are incredibly insecure and often suffer from some form of erectile dysfunction. You beat your wife so she won’t leave your sorry ass.” Lexa pressed the taser into his pulse point and held her hand over the trigger.

“Lexa stop.” Lexa felt someone pull her off Finn before she could turn the taser on and shock some sense into him.

Lincoln wrapped his arms around Lexa’s waist and pulled her back before she could do something she’d regret. He had heard the call over the radio and knew he should stop by in case it escalated.

Clearly he had been right.

Finn tried to lunge at Lexa as Lincoln pulled her back but a swift kick from Lincoln sent him back against his truck.

“Don’t be a moron, Fabio, you wouldn’t stand a chance against me,” Lincoln warned and pulled Lexa further away.

“You’ll lose your job over that prick and you know he’s not worth it. Did you give him the ticket already?” Lexa nodded and holstered the taser again. “Get back in your car and go find something else to do.”

The last thing Lexa wanted to do was get in the car and leave but she knew Lincoln was right. If she stayed she would do something stupid and she couldn’t afford that, especially not with Kane already on her back about this case.

Once Lexa was back in her car and gone Lincoln approached Finn and stepped right into his face.

“You should be getting home before I finish what she started.”

Finn looked like he wanted to object but Lincoln’s sheer size seemed to deter him from mouthing off again. He stepped away from Lincoln and got back in his truck and tore off again.

Lincoln shook his head as Finn drove away. He could tell Lexa was slowly starting to lose it over this case and he had no idea how to hold her together when all he wanted to do was beat Finn himself.

When he got home later that night, Lincoln gently lifted Deacon out of his crib and brought him to bed with him. He sat up against the headboard and quietly watched the two most important people in his world sleep.

“You’re going to grow up to be the best man possible, little man. I promise I’ll show you the right way. You and I, it’s our job to protect your mommy, we won’t ever let anyone hurt her, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. I know the topic matter can be hard to read, comments and kudos help me to know you still find it worth reading.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty significant warning for this chapter: This was not an easy chapter to write and I imagine it won't be easy to read. There are some graphic descriptions of violence and abuse.

As the warm weather finally broke through winter’s hold, Clarke found herself aching to be outside in the beautiful sun. Emma wasn’t immune to the pull of the beautiful weather either. She asked day in and day out to go to the park to visit the ducks and her favorite deputy again. 

Clarke felt awful, she wanted to be able to bring Emma there again but Finn wasn’t away anymore. Clarke couldn’t get away with leaving the house for a few hours now.

“Mommy, she said she’d gimme my own special hat, what if she’s waiting for us at the park?”

Clarke prayed every day Emma never brought that up when Finn was around.

So far her prayers had come true. 

So far. 

It broke Clarke’s heart to have to say no every time. There were just too many things she had to do around the house to be able to leave for even just an hour. 

Finn kept a long list of things he expected her to do on the fridge and he checked it over every night to ensure she didn’t miss anything. 

The first time Clarke accidentally missed one item on his list, Finn didn’t let her eat the dinner she had spent hours making then made her sleep on the floor.

“You don’t deserve a bed when you can’t even do the few simple things I ask of you.”

Finn liked everything to be neat and orderly. He had no patience for mess. Or anything else.

Finn wasn’t a fan of her going out of the house, either. He did the grocery shopping himself and everything else that needed to be done outside the house. She was really only allowed to leave if he was with her to watch everything she did.

It was no way to live.

Time was too precious to Clarke now to be able to really venture outside anyway. 

It was a funny thing for her, her life became a never ending countdown to when Finn got home or a countdown to when Finn left for work. The hours in between were some of the longest of Clarke's life. 

When Finn was gone, she wanted time to slow to a stop. Mostly so she didn’t constantly have to worry but also so she had enough time to get everything done.

When Finn was around, it felt like every minute took an hour to pass.

She pushed through them, more for her daughter than for herself. Clarke would have long given up by now if it weren't for the beautiful soul she had brought into the world. 

Clarke had dreamed of having a big family when she was younger, she always wanted to have four or five kids. Growing up an only child had been hard, her two best friends had become her sisters over time but she always felt like something was missing.

Now, the one child she had was the result of a marriage she dreamed of getting out of. Some days she wished she could close her eyes and just start everything over.

She would trade everything in for the chance to start over. Everything except Emma.

Despite every no she heard, Emma continued to ask, unknowingly piling more and more guilt on Clarke. The last thing she wanted was to let her daughter down, but it was just something she couldn’t help in this situation.

Clarke glanced down at the list on the counter and sighed. She wished there was a way to just stop time to help her get the rest of this done.

“Mommy, can we go play in the backyard?” Clarke looked over to where Emma was standing at the backdoor looking outside. She wanted so badly to say yes. Emma deserved to be able to play whenever she wanted and it killed Clarke to not be able to provide her with that.

“Not today, sweetie. Why don’t I put a movie on for you? How about Zootopia?” Emma’s pout hurt Clarke deep inside but she was powerless to change her mind.

“Okay.” Clarke heard the disappointment in her voice and had to fight back tears. Disappointing Emma made her feel like she was about two feet tall. 

She pulled herself together as best she could while she set the movie up and dimmed the lights for her. 

Clarke leaned heavily against the counter once she was back in the kitchen. In these moments she hated Finn the most. 

It was never when he was beating her, she had grown so accustomed to it that it just felt like part of her day.

It was never when he yelled and screamed at her for being ungrateful or unworthy, Clarke was so engrained to believe that it didn’t even faze her anymore.

It wasn’t even when he starved her of dinner or other meals so she would look up to his standards, which had been occurring in some form since the beginning of their relationship.

No, Clarke hated Finn the most when he caused her to disappoint or sadden Emma.

Emma was blissfully innocent to the terrible things her father had done. Emma was still a sweet, bright, happy three year old who loved Doc McStuffins and her little stuffed bear she happily named Pookie. 

Emma deserved the world and Clarke would never be able to give it to her.

Emma didn’t understand the struggle that Clarke went through every day and if it was up to Clarke, she never would.

Clarke knew Emma would eventually be old enough to see the truth she so desperately tried to hide from her, she just prayed there would never be a bruise on her skin. 

Clarke knew she’d sacrifice her own wellbeing to ensure her daughter was safe, no matter the cost.

Her thoughts were cut off when she heard the garage door open, hours before it should be. Clarke’s eyes went to the clock on the wall, freezing when she realized something must be wrong.

It was only two thirty, Finn shouldn’t be arriving home until after five. 

Clarke wanted to run, she wanted to hide before whatever had sent him home early was taken out on her.

The last thing she expected was to hear Finn happily greet Emma in the living room. He was never cruel to her but most of the time he just avoided her. Clarke didn’t even remember the last time he’d sat down and played with his daughter.

Clarke slowly walked towards the living room trying to figure out if she was hallucinating. She hadn’t been allowed to have dinner the night before and she’d been so busy so far today that she’d forgotten to eat. Maybe her hunger was making her hear things.

When she peered inside and saw Finn sitting on the ground, smiling down at Emma as she happily explained the movie to him, Clarke felt like she had stepped into the twilight zone.

She was pretty sure this wasn’t just her hunger messing with her mind.

This didn’t make any sense. Finn was home almost three hours early and he was in the kind of good mood Clarke hadn’t seen on him in years.

A simple glance up gave away Clarke’s presence in the room. Finn waved her over and motioned for her to sit next to them.

“Babe, come watch with us. You won’t believe the amazing day I had today.”

Clarke felt like this was a trap, Finn made to be testing her somehow. She wanted to grab Emma from his grasp and run as far away as she possibly could before he turned back into the monster she knew he was.

But instead, her legs carried her to Finn’s side and she sat next to him, stiff and uncomfortable.

Waiting for him to strike. 

On edge that he would hurt Emma.

Prepared to sacrifice herself to save her daughter.

“Jaha pulled me into his office today, I thought he was going to finally apologize for not giving me that bonus last year. Instead he told me Paul took a job out of state and he wants me to take over as supervisor. It’s a huge promotion, finally that dick realized how wasted my talent was lugging shit around all day.” 

Clarke wanted to chastise him for swearing in front of Emma. Their little girl was like a sponge, she loved to repeat things she heard. 

That was a lesson she had learned the hard way. One day she had accidentally sliced her finger while preparing dinner and she hadn’t even realized the small ‘shit’ had left her mouth before Emma was repeating it right back to her.

She had to bribe Emma to not repeat it anymore with two extra scoops of ice cream. The real price was the puke she had to clean up later when all that ice cream upset Emma’s stomach.

But Clarke knew better, though, she would ruin the temporary peace in the house if she corrected him and she knew it would come at a painful price.

If Finn was going to play nice and friendly, she was going to do everything she could to keep it going as long as possible.

“That’s..” Clarke stopped, realizing she was speaking without him telling her it was okay. She’d been slapped for the same thing plenty of times before. When Finn glanced over and motioned for her to continue she did. “That’s really great. I’m happy for you, no one deserves it more than you.”

Lie after lie after lie.

They fell out of her mouth without a second thought now. Clarke had been lying for so long she didn’t even know what the truth really was anymore.

Lie to Finn to make him happy so he didn’t beat her.

Lie to Emma so she wasn’t afraid of her father.

Lie to the doctors about where the bruises and broken bones came from.

Lie to Lexa to protect Finn.

Clarke was so tired of lying, especially to protect Finn.

“That’s what I’m saying. No one is as good as me. I can’t wait to rub it in my parents’ greedy faces. They thought I wasn’t worthy of their money, clearly they were wrong. And when those old bastards finally die I’ll take that company and dance on their graves.” 

Clarke nodded to appease him but she knew he was the wrong one. Finn wasn’t a hard worker, he complained constantly about how much work he had to do. 

It was really hard to believe Finn would ever say things like that about his parents.

They had literally given him everything could have ever needed or wanted when he was growing up. 

They gave him a brand new Porsche the day he turned sixteen. 

They gave him credit cards with no limit so he could buy anything he set his sights on and he took advantage of it.

They took him on expensive vacations and spoiled him with yachts and jet skis and snowmobiles.

Once he hit adulthood they wanted him to learn the value of money so they stopped paying for everything for him. He took it as a betrayal.

“We’re going to celebrate tonight.” Clarke’s skin crawled at the intonation in Finn’s voice. Years ago Clarke had learned to shut her mind off and just let Finn do whatever he wanted to her. It didn’t happen often, thankfully, he seemed to get his kicks out of beating her more than anything else.

Clarke nodded again but kept quiet. She sat there waiting for the real Finn to appear again. She didn’t trust for one second that this act would last. Something would come along to make him angry and the same vile man would return.

“Daddy, can we play in the backyard?” Clarke glanced over at Emma when she asked him the same question Clarke had been asked earlier in the day.

“It’s all muddy out there, we should play in here. How about we find some trucks or something like that to play with? You like trucks, right?”

Clarke wanted to scream at Finn that he didn’t know his daughter at all. She loved dolls and dressing up and playing house. She didn’t even own a single truck. He would know that if he ever paid any attention to her before now.

But instead Clarke kept her mouth shut and let Emma answer him.

“I don’t like trucks, daddy. Let’s play with my dolls. You can use my Pookie, she’s my favorite.” Finn looked horrified at the idea of playing with dolls and he truly had no idea what a Pookie was. 

Clarke desperately wanted to step in and prevent the disaster she could see coming. She didn’t want Finn to say anything that would hurt Emma.

“Maybe you can wait until after the movie and then find a game both of you would like to play together?” Clarke suggested then held her breath for the verbal beating she knew would be coming for speaking out of turn. 

Surprisingly Finn just nodded at the suggestion and got Emma to focus back on the movie. Clarke let out the tense breath she had been holding and continued to sit stiffly next to him.

When she looked back on today, Clarke would curse herself for not being able to see what was going to happen next. She had years’ worth of evidence that should have taught her better.

Maybe part of her was hopeful this would stick, that her husband could actually be a good man. Clarke knew he hadn’t always been this way, maybe she could realistically hope that a promotion at work could truly change him.

Clarke knew she was fool for even thinking for one second that Finn could be a good man and it didn’t take him long to prove that to her.

About halfway through the movie Emma reached over and tapped Clarke on the knee to get her attention.

“Mommy, can I have juice?” Clarke nodded and got up to get Emma a sippy cup of juice. She had been slowly working in more big girl cups for Emma to use. This time Clarke used one with panda bears on the outside, Emma had decided last week it was her favorite. 

She took her seat again and handed the cup to Emma who eagerly sucked down some of the juice.

Clarke should have seen it coming, she should have done something to prevent it. 

Anything.

Emma’s attention never left the movie in front of them. Her little hands cheered while her favorite character chased down the bad guys. Her little hands waved the cup around, not realizing that the juice could slip out.

Clarke felt like it happened in slow motion. One second they were all smiling and happy as Emma cheered with the movie, the next Emma’s juice was spilling all over Finn’s shirt, soaking right through.

Clarke froze as she realized what had happened. She waited just a second too long to see how Finn would react.

“Are you fucking kidding me? Emma, look at what you did! Are you stupid?”

She was a second too slow to pull Emma away from his cruel words but her mind caught up really quick when she heard Emma’s cries and saw Finn raise his hand to strike her. 

She didn’t think, she didn’t care what would happen to her, she just reacted. Clarke reached up and gripped onto Finn’s wrist hard, preventing him from being able to slap Emma. She pushed him back hard enough to get Emma off his lap before he could pull his arm away and finish what he started.

“Emma, go to your room. Now.” Clarke was very seldom stern with Emma but she couldn’t help it in this moment. Finn’s face had dropped and the anger was crowding his vision again. There was no room for gentleness or kindness, she needed Emma out of the room before this mess exploded. “ _Go. __”_

Emma looked torn and scared but got up and hurried down the hall to her room when she heard the stern command. Clarke didn’t have the chance to feel guilty about talking to Emma that way. 

Finn moved to get up and go after her to properly teach her a lesson but Clarke pushed him back before throwing herself on top of him to knock him onto his back, not caring that she was essentially signing her own death certificate.

She gave Emma enough time to get to her room and hopefully close her door.

“You’re not touching my daughter.” Clarke had never fought back before, she never purposely put herself in harm’s way. But this was for her daughter and she’d do the same thing again without a second thought.

The laugh that Finn let out could only be described as menacing. He looked like pure evil in that moment and Clarke braced herself for the beating she knew would be coming.

“That brat deserves to be taught a lesson but fine, you want to be noble, I’ll give it to you twice over.” Finn pulled his wrist out of Clarke’s grasp and slapped her hard across the cheek, sending her toppling over. 

He showed no mercy for her, his anger needed to be sated and it would be before he stopped. 

Finn stood and grabbed Clarke by the hair and pulled her up. He dragged her all the way upstairs and threw her towards their room.

His aim was off just enough to send her head into the doorjamb causing her to collapse to the ground. 

Stars clouded Clarke's vision as blood ran down into her eye from where her head collided with the wood. It throbbed something awful and the blood stung her vision to the point she couldn’t open her eye. 

Clarke turned away from Finn, trying to hide the injury. 

Suddenly all Clarke could think about was a small business card that was hidden in her pillow case on the other side of the door.

All she could picture was the deputy with a kind smile and reassuring presence that wanted so badly to help her.

All she could think about was those phone calls that she never had the guts to go through with.

All she could hope for is if she didn’t make it through tonight someone good would be there to raise Emma properly.

This was far from the first time he'd hurt her but something just felt different about tonight. She knew she had brought this on herself. She had purposely pissed him off to protect Emma.

Clarke's head felt a little fuzzy and it was a little difficult to find her footing again. She tried to push through it, she needed to keep fighting until he tired himself out. If this ended quickly he’d go find Emma and Clarke would be powerless to stop him again.

"Are you fucking bleeding on my carpet right now?" Clarke hadn’t even realized the wound on her head had started gushing onto the carpet.

Finn grabbed her hair again and dragged her into the bathroom, throwing her into the tub. 

Clarke's head smashed into the towel rack, tearing it right off the wall as she went down. It made a thunderous noise as it crashed to the ground. "You want to make a mess, you can stay in here for the night."

Clarke felt like she was going to throw up and she did everything she could to shield her head as she landed in the tub but her broken arm landed underneath her. 

The scream she let out from the pain was instantaneous and so were the punches Finn delivered when she yelled. 

Clarke couldn't shield herself from all the blows no matter how small she tried to make herself be. 

She screamed for him to stop, to please have mercy on her, but he persisted. 

Punch 

After punch

After punch

Clarke couldn't recall a time before this where she'd truly feared he was going to kill her. He'd hit her plenty before but this time felt different.

Felt so much worse.

Finn was coming undone with every hit, his anger taking complete control. 

"Stop fucking screaming before I make you.”

The last punch landed directly against her ribs with a sickening crunch.

Her breath was instantly lost as she gasped for air that she just couldn't get in. Her pleas for mercy were instantly silenced. 

"Why do you have to make me do this? Why can't you just be a good wife? I give you everything you could ever need and you disrespect me over and over again. If you had just been a good mother and raised that piece of shit to be respectful none of this would have to happen." He spit at her before grabbing her by the hair and pulling her up while she continued to gasp for air. "This is all your fault." 

Clarke closed her eyes and waited for the final blow to come to end her misery.

But it never came.

Finn shoved her back into the tub and shook his head in disgust. The door slammed behind him as he left the bathroom. Clarke prayed he was going somewhere besides Emma’s room. She prayed her little girl was safe. 

Clarke tried to pull herself from the tub with great difficulty. Each breath felt like a knife to her chest. Her vision was fuzzy at best and it took every bit of energy she had to pull herself up and out of the tub.

Clarke could faintly here Finn moving around downstairs, she listened as hard as her jumbled brain would allow ensuring she didn’t hear any signs of distress from Emma.

She knew she’d never be able to make it downstairs even if he was hurting her. Her only hope was to finally make that call.

With a destination in mind, Clarke struggled to her feet. She staggered as her head swam and her chest throbbed. She tried bringing her hand up to guard the injured ribs but even a barely there touch of her ribs made her wince in agony.

Somewhere deep down Clarke knew broken ribs could easily puncture her lung. Given how hard it was to get each breath in, she feared she might have done just that but she couldn’t let it stop her. 

Nothing was going to stop her from keeping Emma safe. 

Nothing.

The bathroom door made a squealing noise as she slowly opened it and Clarke froze to ensure Finn wasn’t charging back up the stairs to finish what he started.

She heard the tv in the living room still playing the movie from earlier. From the other sounds she could hear, she decided Finn was doing something in the kitchen out of the view of the stairs.

She gave it a few long seconds before she slowly made her way down the hall to the bedroom. She grabbed an old towel and pressed it to her forehead with a painful wince. 

The blood kept seeping down into her eye so she figured the towel would at least stop that from happening for now.

Clarke had one mission in mind now that she could see out of her eye again. She found the landline on Finn’s bedside table and grabbed it before she collapsed to the ground, the pain too much to handle.

Clarke pressed her hand to her chest, trying to find anyway to ease the pain. The action caused more pain, though so she quickly moved it away.

The small card sat hidden in her pillowcase on the complete opposite side of the room. She knew she’d never be able to get to it, she used every last bit of energy she had left to get out of the bathroom and in here. 

Clarke wanted to cry when she realized she wouldn’t be able to get herself across the room and find that card. 

She’d spent weeks agonizing over calling the number, spent weeks terrified it would be found, and now that she truly needed it, now that she wanted out, she couldn’t get to it.

“Get up, get up and get it. He’s going to hurt her. You can’t keep her safe anymore. Get up and get that fucking card.” The mantra ran through Clarke’s head, doing everything she could to muster up the energy to get up.

Clarke managed to flip herself onto her stomach and had to bite into her lip hard enough to draw blood to prevent the scream of pain that wanted to get out.

With agonizing slow movements, Clarke pulled herself slowly around the bed far enough to be able to reach up and pull he pillow down towards her. 

The action had moved her ribs enough to cause Clarke to lose her breath again in agony. Her hands shook terribly as she lifted the card out of the pillow case. 

The numbers were blurry and Clarke struggled to focus in on them. Between the blurry vision and the trembling hands, it took Clarke minutes to dial the number.

She didn’t think she’d ever heard a more beautiful sound than the ringing phone that she pressed against her ear.

All that stood between her and freedom was Lexa answering and coming to her rescue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So is that the missed call Lexa had on her phone? What do you think?
> 
> Let me know what you think. Kudos/comments are always welcome. I'm Bradypop over on Tumblr, feel free to ask any questions or give me some comments over there.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter: Descriptions of violence and medical terminology.

Lexa didn’t question her choice to go into law enforcement often. She had this in her blood, she was destined to do it, and she had grown up idolizing her dad and impatiently waiting to be old enough to follow in his footsteps. 

She never minded the busy work, or the quiet of the small town, she still felt like she was doing some good.

But as she lay on the ground, the clear mark of mud in the shape of a cow’s hoof on her chest, Lexa really wondered what the hell she was doing anymore. 

The call had come in just after three while she was just stepping out of Martha’s diner after a quick lunch. Mr. Bennett’s cows had escaped out of their fenced in area for what felt like the hundredth time in the past year. 

The town had tried to persuade the old man to sell his cows because he couldn’t seem to handle taking care of them but he had refused saying he was a lonely old man and they kept him company. Lexa felt like she was literally the only one that paid the price for that.

“Deputy 225, can you respond to Sycamore St at Willow Ave for the cows in the road blocking traffic. Mr. Bennett asked for you personally.” The teasing tone in Jasper’s voice was very clear. She wanted to drive downtown and smack the smirk that she knew was on his face right off.

Lexa cursed under her breath, she never understood why she was the only one that got these calls. Lincoln was twice her size and grew up on a farm, he would clearly be the better option for this.

But no, Mr. Bennett had taken a shine to her and now she was the first choice to call to somehow wrangle up his wayward cows. Spoiler alert, it never ended well for her.

Lexa radioed back that she had the call and pulled her phone out of her pocket when she heard it chime.

“I’m thinking a pair of cowboy boots would be the best birthday present for you this year.” Lexa read the text from Lincoln and growled at her phone. He was not funny at all. Another text came in right after. “Or maybe a lasso, do you think you’d like it in pink?”

She shoved the phone into her middle console and let out a few choice words for Lincoln before she took off for Mr. Bennett’s farm, opting to not respond. Her mother always did tell her if you didn’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. 

When she got to the farm she noticed three cows standing in the middle of the road and a single car stopped near them, unable to pass. 

She walked over to the car and instructed the driver to turn around and detour around the property to get where they needed to go.

Before she had the chance to tackle the three large issues in the road, Lexa heard Mr. Bennett calling her from his property line.

“I sure do appreciate you coming to help, Deputy Woods. I swear I patched the fence where they got out last time.” Lexa plastered a smile on her face and nodded, use to the same excuses time and again.

The large gaping hole in the fence in the exact same spot as last time said otherwise, but Lexa didn’t point that out. It was pretty pointless to even try.

“Did you call that fencing company I suggested? This old fence could really use replacing.”

“No, ma’am, I haven’t had the chance yet. I’ve been fixing to do that, though. I got that number around somewhere.”

“Of course you have,” Lexa mumbled under her breath before turning to look at the cows again.

“Be careful with that big girl over there, she’s got a mean kick if you give her a fright.” Lexa waved to acknowledge she heard him before going back to her car again and grabbing her gear bag. She dug out some rope before throwing the bag back in the trunk.

Lexa walked back over to the smallest cow and after a little maneuvering to ensure it didn’t charge at her, she got the rope around its neck and was able to guide it back into the fence. She repeated the same process for the second cow. 

Lexa wanted to praise herself for how easy this was but before she could really celebrate she needed to get the third cow. She turned to head back to the road without realizing the third cow had tried to follow her back to the fence. 

The quick motion of her turning scared the cow enough to cause it to kick out at her. Lexa tried her hardest to dodge the kick but she wasn’t quick enough to prevent it from nailing her in the chest, sending her down on her ass.

“Son of a bitch..” she cursed as she rested back against the ground. The blow had knocked the wind out of her and pissed her off beyond belief. 

She didn’t go through months of hard work in the academy to be knocked off her feet by a damn cow.

To make pretty much everything worse, Lexa could hear Mr. Bennett in the background laughing at her predicament. She wanted to scream at him for being such an irresponsible animal owner but she knew it wouldn’t do her any good.

Lexa looked down at the front of her uniform and shook her head when she saw the clear hoof print of mud on what use to be her clean pressed shirt.

Despite the fact that she just wanted to lay there in her humiliation, Lexa brushed off her shirt before slowly standing up. Her chest certainly ached from the blow but nothing really hurt more than her pride.

“Alright, there will be no more kicking or I swear I’ll be enjoying burgers for the rest of the month.” Lexa warned, not even caring that she was threatening a cow that had already bested her once.

By the time she wrangled the last cow up and got her back in the fence, Lexa was exhausted and sore. She left Mr. Bennett with another warning to get his fence fixed before this could happen again.

She knew the warning was useless but she had to at least try.

Lexa had barely sat back in her cruiser when she heard her phone ringing. She picked it up, figuring Lincoln was calling to check in on her but her brows furrowed when she saw that it was a number she didn’t recognize.

Dread bloomed in Lexa as she answered, silently praying that this wasn’t Clarke calling on the brink of death.

“Deputy Woods.”

“L-Lexa..” Lexa was throwing her car into drive before she could even process what was happening. She could hear the pain and fear in Clarke’s voice and that was all it took to get her moving.

“Clarke? Are you okay? What’s going on?”

“I need.. I need help..” Clarke’s voice was weakening as she spoke, Lexa was terrified she’d lose her before she could get across town.

“I’m on my way, hold on for me, okay? Just listen to my voice, I’ll be there before you know it.” Lexa did everything she could think to reassure Clarke despite the fact that she was terrified herself.

“Emma.. He tried…” Clarke’s voice cut out and Lexa heard her gasping to get air in. 

“I’m almost there, please just hang on for me. I’ll make sure you’re safe, Clarke, please just hold on.”

Lexa pressed harder on the accelerator harder and grabbed her radio when she got no verbal reply.

“225 to base, send back up and start an ambulance to 29 Longmeadow Street. I got a personal call for help from one of the occupants.”

Lexa didn’t even bother waiting for the response, she threw the radio down as she pulled into the driveway. Lexa kicked the door in without a second thought and immediately zeroed in on Finn sitting in the living room with a beer bottle in his hands.

“What the fuck are you doing in my house?” Finn wasted no time, charging right at Lexa. He broke the bottle in his hands on the wall and raised his hand to try to strike her with the jagged glass. 

Lexa side stepped the attack as best as possible but the glass still sliced deep into her arm. She hissed at the pain and took the open opportunity to strike Finn in the back of her head with her elbow when he stumbled past her.

She managed to knock him to the ground and got on top of him before he could recover.

"I warned you I'd be watching, you son of a bitch. How does it feel to fight someone who fights back?" Lexa landed a few punches strictly from surprise before Finn was able to overpower her and throw her off.

Finn landed a quick kiss to her midsection before he got on top of her and held her down.

Finn threw a few punches to Lexa's jaw before he gripped his hands around her throat to cut off her air. 

Lexa scratched and clawed at Finn's hands to get them off her neck but his position on top of her gave him all the leverage, leaving her powerless to push him off.

“I told you to stay away from me, deputy. You clearly just can't fucking listen. Honestly, I'm really, really going to enjoy this. And you know what, just because you can’t seem to mind your own damn business, I’m going to kill you and then I’m gonna go find that bitch that called you and kill her, too.”

Lexa's vision was starting to blur as he pressed harder and harder. 

So many thoughts flashed through her mind as she struggled against his grip. She knew if she couldn’t get out of this, Finn would follow through with his promise and kill Clarke as well. She didn’t spend weeks trying to bring him down to fail like this. She wouldn’t let him hurt Clarke anymore. 

She’d been through enough, she couldn’t fail her now.

She couldn’t fail Clarke, not after she finally reached out for help. 

She couldn’t fail Emma, who clearly wasn’t safe in this house.

She had promised to protect them, to save them when the time came, and she needed to do that now.

Lexa did the only thing she could think to do. She reached up with shaking hands and gouged her thumbs into his eyes. She had to admit it was slightly satisfying to hear the scream of pain he let out.

He screamed out in pain and fell back giving Lexa the chance to get her taser out of her holster and press it against his neck, this time turning it on and stunning him. She kicked him off of her while he was out of it before turning the taser off.

Lexa didn’t stop there, she holstered her taser again before bending over him and beating him. She saw red as she landed punch after punch. This vile man had caused his wife such pain and suffering, all she could think about was making him pay for it.

Lexa didn’t stop until she felt arms wrap around her waist and pull her off. She thrashed against whoever was holding her, trying to get back to Finn to finish what she’d started.

“Lexa, stop! It’s over, it’s over.” Lincoln’s voice broke through the haze in her head and she eventually slumped against him. 

Her relaxation only lasted a few seconds before she realized Clarke was in trouble somewhere in the house. She pulled herself out of Lincoln’s arms and tore off to try to find Clarke.

She faintly remembered seeing a light on in their upstairs one night when she drove by and ran up the stairs first. She noticed blood on the floor by one of the bedrooms and ran down there, freezing when she saw Clarke lying on the ground, blood all around her head. The phone lay discarded next to her along with the familiar business card she figured Clarke had thrown away.

Lexa was beside Clarke in no time, feeling her neck instantly for a pulse. 

“Thank god.” She let out when she felt a strong pulse under her fingertips.

“Clarke, can you hear me? Clarke?” Lexa very carefully turned Clarke onto her back and winced when she saw the wound on her head. Lexa tore off a piece of the sleeve of her shirt and used it to stop the bleeding on Clarke’s head.

“Clarke, please open your eyes, I promise you’re safe now. You’re safe.” Lexa could see how much Clarke was struggling to breathe. She lifted her shirt to check for injuries and noticed dark bruises forming all along her ribs with some obvious signs that one or more were broken.

With her limited medical training, Lexa knew it was likely one of her injured ribs may have punctured her lung, which would explain why she was having such a hard time breathing.

Clarke’s eyes slowly opened, her vision completely fuzzy. She was disoriented and confused and the pain radiating through her body made her want to close her eyes again and drift off again.

She could see someone kneeling over her but she couldn’t tell who it was. She panicked, thinking it was Finn coming back for round two. The panic hurt her even more, the increased breathing made her gasp and groan in pain.

“Clarke, it’s Lexa, you’re okay now. You’re safe. Can you hear me?” Clarke felt Lexa take her hand and give it a squeeze. She nodded as best as she could.

“Good, good, you’re safe now. The ambulance is on its way, they’re going to get you fixed up in no time.”

Lexa tensed and moved to stand over Clarke protectively when she heard someone coming up the stairs. Her hand reflexively went to her gun as the steps got closer and closer. Her brain wasn’t thinking rationally, she didn’t remember that Lincoln was downstairs taking care of Finn, she didn’t remember that she had beaten him to the point he wouldn’t be getting up anytime soon.

All she could think about was protecting Clarke.

Murphy held his hands up when he saw the way Lexa was standing, he really had no interest in getting shot today.

“I have your medical bag, the ambulance just radioed in that they were five out. I didn’t know if there was anything we could do in the meantime.”

Lexa’s shoulders relaxed and her hand moved away from her gun to take the bag. She pulled out the oxygen tank and a mask and very gently pulled it over Clarke’s head. 

“This is going to help you breathe until the medics get here.” Lexa made sure the tank was turned up before grabbing more gear from the bag to bandage the wound on Clarke’s head.

“E-Emma.. tell her I.. love her.” Clarke groaned out, feeling some relief with the oxygen now on her face.

“No, Clarke, you’re going to tell her yourself. You’re going to be okay. I’ll get her, Clarke. I’ll make sure she’s safe but you’re going to tell you that yourself. I promise I’ll keep her safe for you until you can.” Lexa promised.

By the time the ambulance arrived on scene, Lexa had bandaged the wound on her head and was still talking Clarke into staying awake. She checked constantly to make sure Clarke’s pulse was still present which, thankfully, it was.

Lincoln had dragged Finn out to his cruiser and threw him inside. He'd let him sit in the cold for a bit before taking him to the hospital to get checked out. He was conscious and complaining about police brutality so Lincoln was fine with making him wait.

Lexa struggled with the idea of releasing Clarke into the care of the paramedics, she was terrified as soon as she was out of her sight she'd crash and be gone. 

"Lexa, we'll follow them to the ER, you have to let them take her now." Murphy managed to pull her away so Clarke was loaded into the ambulance and taken away. 

Lexa felt like running after the ambulance as it drove away. She had no idea why she felt such a pull to make sure Clarke was okay, it was hard to ignore.

Lexa's gaze finally broke away from the ambulance once it was out of sight and she zeroed in on the cruiser that held Finn. 

"I'm going to kill him." She muttered before charging at the cruiser. Lincoln saw her coming and intercepted her before she could do anything stupid. 

"You’ve already done enough damage to him. Go to the hospital, Lexa. I'll take care of him. We want this by the books, no chance of anything messing up the trial so he rots in jail."

“I’d much rather he be in a morgue.”

Lincoln didn’t let go of Lexa even as she fought to get out of his grip.

“Then you’ll be the one in jail. Please, Lex, just go to the hospital. You need to get checked out yourself. Those bruises on your neck are bad and your arm is bleeding pretty good.”

Lexa took a deep breath to calm herself before nodding, subconsciously rubbing her hand over the dark marks on her neck. She didn’t even remember the cut on her arm, her adrenaline was running too high.

"He deserves so much worse than what he got." 

"He'll get what's coming to him, guys like him always do." Lincoln promised before giving Lexa a gentle push towards her cruiser. "Keep me updated."

Lexa was just about to sit in her car when she remembered Emma was somewhere in that house, hopefully unhurt and probably scared out of her mind. 

Instead of taking the time to explain her actions to Lincoln and Murphy, Lexa took off for the house again. She started searching in the rooms downstairs and relaxed slightly when she came across Emma hiding under her blanket on her bed. 

Lexa knew she would like terrify the girl if she didn’t approach the situation correctly. Lexa walked to the bed and knelt down to appear smaller and less intimidating. 

“Emma, sweetie, it’s Deputy Lexa, do you think I can take the blanket off?” Lexa didn’t push Emma, the girl was clearly terrified. She could hear her faint cries and the last thing she wanted to do was making anything worse for her.

Slowly the girl pulled the blanket down and peeked out from underneath it, relaxing slightly when she saw it really was Lexa. 

“Is.. Is mommy okay?” Her little voice asked. She had only pulled the blanket down enough for Lexa to be able to see the top of her head, still unsure that she was safe.

“She is going to be okay. She wanted me to tell you that you were the bravest little girl ever and she’s very proud of you.” Lexa took her hat off her head and held it out for Emma to take. 

She had gotten the little girl her own hat like she promised but the opportunity to give it to her hadn’t presented itself yet. It sat waiting for her in Lexa’s car so for now, she gave her the real one.

She only hoped the little girl could believe in the super powers she told her it possessed to stay brave and strong.

Emma took the hat in her hands and slowly put it on her head. Once the hat was on she pulled the blanket down further and launched herself into Lexa’s arms. Her sobs broke Lexa’s heart and she was powerless to anything else but hold on tightly and rock her back and forth.

“Everything’s okay now, sweetie, I promise.” Lexa rocked Emma in her arms until the girl’s sobs started to subside. “Would you like to go for another ride in my car? I’ll even use the lights just for you.”

Emma pushed the hat back on her head so she could see Lexa before nodding.

“Is daddy gonna hurt mommy again?” Lexa shook her head instantly. It broke her heart to know Emma wasn’t as unaware of what was going on as she had hoped she would be.

“No, he’s not going to hurt your mommy ever again. I’m going to protect her now.”

Emma seemed a little bit relieved by that but she still held tightly to Lexa. Instead of letting her go, Lexa grabbed the blanket from Emma’s bed and wrapped it around her so she felt more secure. She stood and headed back outside.

Lincoln approached with a sympathetic smile. 

“Murphy can take her down to the station until we can get in touch with the next of kin.” Lexa shook her head at that.

“No, she’ll be terrified there, she won’t know anyone. She knows me and I'm not going to let her out of my sight. I promised Clarke I would keep her safe and she’s safe if she’s with me.”

Lincoln nodded at that, knowing better than to argue with her especially after everything she'd been through tonight. 

“Murphy, drive Lexa and Clarke's daughter to the hospital. She's not in any shape to drive right now. I'll wait here for Sergeant Kane.” Lincoln yelled over to get Murphy's attention. “And make sure she gets checked over.”

“Thank you.” Lexa offered Lincoln a small smile before finding Murphy’s cruiser and getting in the back with Emma still carefully bundled up in her arms. 

“Murphy, turn the lights on for her.” Lexa knew technically they shouldn’t use the lights for their short ride but she’d do just about anything at this point to make Emma happy.

The little girl tucked her head against Lexa’s shoulder and watched as the car lit up from the lights. 

By the time Murphy pulled into the ER bay and parked next to the lone ambulance Emma had drifted off to sleep against her shoulder, the chaos of the day too much for her.

The sight of the ambulance that had brought Clarke to the hospital made Lexa sick to her stomach but she knew she really couldn't focus on that right now. 

“Can you bring some food back in a few hours? And maybe something to keep her entertained. I don't know if the hospital will have anything she'll be able to eat and I don't want her to go without.”

“I'm going to come in and sit with you for now. I'll have one of the guys bring some stuff by for her. Miller has a daughter her age, he’ll have some stuff for her.” Lexa didn't mind the company so she nodded and let him lead her inside. 

The ER was buzzing with energy when she stepped inside, it was so vastly different from the last time she was in here Lexa had to pause to collect herself. 

It didn't take her long to track down what room Clarke was in, there were doctors and nurses hurrying in and out of it. 

Harper noticed Lexa right away and hurried over to talk to her. 

“Is she okay? She was barely conscious when the ambulance got there.”

Harper nodded and started to lead Lexa out of the ER.

“Why don’t we go to the private family room down the hall? It’ll be quiet for her and I can explain everything to you down there.” 

Lexa really didn’t want to leave the ER but she knew she couldn’t do anything to help anymore. Clarke was in the doctor’s hands now, the most important thing she could do was take care of Emma.

Harper swiped them into the room and motioned for Lexa to take a seat on the big couch. Lexa kept Emma bundled up in her lap, the little girl was sleeping soundly and she didn’t want to disturb her.

“The doctors intubated Clarke to help her breathe until they could go in and repair her ribs and lung. She’s going to need stitches on her head but luckily her skull wasn’t damaged. They think she’s got a pretty nasty concussion but she hasn’t gone for scans yet. They’re prepping her to go into surgery now. She was still in and out of consciousness when she rolled in but they gave her something to sedate her and help with the pain.”

Lexa didn’t really feel like she could breathe any easier despite what Harper told her. Surgery wasn’t a small thing and she knew there were a lot of problems that could arise.

“If you hadn’t done what you did for her, she might not have made it to the hospital. Her lung collapsed from the broken ribs, if you hadn’t gotten there when you did she might have gone into arrest. You saved her.”

Lexa shook her head at that. No, she hadn’t saved Clarke. She’d spent over a month trying to find a way to save Clarke from exactly this fate and she’d failed.

It would never matter what lengths she’d gone to if Clarke had been permanently injured or worse at the hands of Finn. 

Lexa wanted to scream. She wanted to throw something into the wall and watch it smash to a million pieces. 

Mostly, Lexa wanted to track down Finn and do to him what he had done to his innocent wife. 

Lexa had always known Finn was hurting Clarke and she hadn’t done anything to stop him.

If Lexa had just found a way to get Clarke out of that house before now she wouldn’t be lying in that hospital room severely injured.

Lexa had failed Clarke, simple as that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. Clarke and Lexa's journey is far from over, there are still many battles to face. 
> 
> As always, I'm Bradypop over on tumblr, feel free to send me any questions or comments.


	8. Chapter 8

Bright fluorescent lights were the first thing she saw as her eyes slowly opened. The bright light instantly burned into her retinas, making her want to shut them and yell at someone to turn the lights off. She tried to bring her hand up to cover her eyes from it but her body is too exhausted to even grant her that simple movement. 

There's a strong pressure on her chest, the cause she couldn't place in her memory. Her mind felt too jumbled to really think too hard about it, despite how uncomfortable she was.

There was a distinct beeping sound somewhere in her vicinity but it hurt too much to try to look around and find the source of it. It was rhythmic enough to not bother her just yet.

Her head pounded like there was a vice gripping it, her chest felt pretty close to the same. Pain in the morning was something she was used to, this was a whole different level of pain, though. Clarke wondered what happened to her to cause this kind of pain. 

Her entire body felt like it was being weighed down by an invisible force. Like she was just underwater and couldn’t seem to pull herself out.

It was far from the first time Clarke had woken up in pain and slightly disoriented but this just felt so much more severe than anything else she could recall. 

Clarke could faintly see tubes and wires all around her, adding to her initial confusion. She felt a tube running behind her ears and to her nose, making her nose itchy and uncomfortable.

It took Clarke a few minutes, her mind was still fuzzy from the pain and from the anesthesia, but she was able to eventually work out that she was in a hospital room. The rhythmic beeping and the wires making sense now.

The tube in her nose was pushing oxygen into her, from what she could gather. Memories of gasping for air and the pain each torturous breath brought struck her hard, making her thankful for the added help the oxygen was providing to her.

She could faintly hear a voice speaking somewhere in the room but it she felt too exhausted to pick her head up and find the source of the noise. 

Clarke sat there for a minute, trying to remember the details that got her in here. She remembered Finn coming home in a good mood, she remembered Emma spilling juice on him, and she remembered him trying to strike her for it. 

She remembered literally throwing herself on Finn to allow Emma to escape unharmed.

She painfully remembered the beating she took for throwing herself on Finn to stop him from hurting Emma. 

Emma. 

Clarke jolted slightly when she realized she had no idea if Emma was safe. She had no idea if Finn had found her little girl after he had finished beating her. 

She had no idea where her little girl was. 

She remembered a vague promise to keep Emma safe but, for the life of her, she couldn’t remember the context.

The jolting had caused the noise across the room to come to a stop. Clarke struggled to sit her head up enough to see who was now approaching the bed. 

She was fairly certain she was hallucinating again as her eyes focused on the older woman that now stood next to the bed with tears in her eyes. There was no way this could be real. Her mom couldn't be here. 

Maybe they had her on some drug that was actually making her delirious. Briefly she wondered if there was a doctor around she could ask about that.

“Oh sweetie, you have no idea how happy I am to see those pretty eyes of yours.” Clarke was still sat there frozen, confused as to how her mom was here when she hadn't spoken to her in over ten years. 

“Mom? What.. How..” Clarke trailed off, not sure what she was trying to ask. Her voice was hoarse and weak, her throat burned like someone had rubbed sandpaper over it until it bled. The confusion in her head only intensified.

“Dr. Ramirez called me, sweetie, he was my resident when I was chief here. He recognized your name and reached out to me.” Abby took a second to take Clarke in, needing to see that she really was here and alive. “Clarke, baby, I'm so, so sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry you didn't think you could reach out to me. God, I would have taken you in if I had known.” 

Abby reached over and took Clarke's hand, longing to feel close to her daughter again. 

For so long Abby wanted to reach out to Clarke and reconnect their lost relationship but she always worried the same anger and resentment from ten years ago remained. She’d never forget the impassioned fury Clarke showed as she screamed that she never wanted to see her again.

Those words had haunted Abby for the past ten years.

What Clarke could never have known, though, was that Abby forgave her daughter just seconds after she walked out of their house for the final time. Abby would never hold that pain against her, she understood where it came from and accepted that it was never really meant for her.

Abby had waited almost two years for Clarke to come home to her again, she prayed every day that the door would open and Clarke would be there. After those two years passed, Abby decided it would be best to give Clarke her space. She took a job states away, put her house on the market, and moved away to give Clarke the chance to move on.

When her phone rang after midnight last night, something in Abby feared the news that awaited her. She had long since stopped waiting for Clarke’s call to come and no one else would call at that hour with good news. As she listened to her previous coworker explain what had happened to her daughter, Abby crumbled to the ground in anguish.

She had never liked Finn, she never believed he was good enough for her daughter, but Clarke had pushed her away and decided her opinion was worthless. 

Abby could never have imagined what Clarke had gone through at his hands. She knew Finn wasn’t the best person for her daughter, but she never thought he’d be capable of such atrocious things.

The lump in her throat that had formed when she heard the news had yet to fade away despite the fact that Dr. Ramirez had assured her all of Clarke's physical injuries would heal well. 

While the physical injuries scared Abby senseless, it was the mental injuries that she was truly worried about. She'd seen too many women broken and destroyed beyond repair because of the kind of abuse Clarke had been subjected to. 

Clarke glanced down at the hand in hers before looking back up at her mom. There were so many things she wanted to say to her, so many things she wished she could explain to her, things she wanted to apologize for, but words were just lost. 

“Mom..” 

The dam that had taken residence in her chest so long ago broke as tears poured out of her eyes. Abby was in the same boat as she watched her only child cry helplessly. 

The doctor in her wanted to scold Clarke for getting worked up so soon after surgery but the mother in her, the mother that had missed her daughter so fiercely for so long, wanted to scoop her daughter into her arms and hold her and never let go. 

The mother side of her won out. 

Abby leaned forward and very gently wrapped her arms around Clarke. She pulled her up enough to be able to hug her tight without causing her any pain. Abby couldn’t possibly describe how amazing it felt to finally be able to have her daughter in her arms again.

Clarke never really recognized the pain of losing her mom until she felt those familiar arms wrap around her and hold her close. Suddenly it felt like a vice that she didn't even know was there had been removed from her heart. 

Abby pulled back slightly to press her lips to the crown of Clarke's hair and held them there, so content in that moment to just be near her again. 

“Can.. Did, um, they tell you what happened?” Clarke’s voice was timid, almost afraid that Abby was going to be upset with her. She’d caused quite the mess, she knew that generally warranted at least being yelled at for.

“Dr. Ramirez told me what happened, yes. I’m so sorry you ever had to go through that, Clarke. I wish I could turn back time and make it all disappear for you.”

“Please don’t apologize.” The ‘not when it’s my fault’ went unsaid but both women could feel it hanging in the air. 

It made Abby want to find Finn and slaughter him for making her daughter believe, for even one second, that his vile actions were her own fault. 

Clarke could sense the change in Abby’s demeanor and worried she had said something wrong. She didn’t want to upset her mother and make her leave again, not after she finally got her back. 

Clarke tried to think of the best way to change the subject to hopefully relieve some of the anger she could see on Abby’s face.

“Why, um, why do I feel like someone is sitting on my chest?” If there was one thing she knew would get her mom’s mind off a topic, it was medicine. And, thankfully, it worked this time as well.

“You had four broken ribs, one of them fractured and punctured your lung. They had to go in and repair the damage and inflate your lung again. You had quite a few older fractures on your ribs so they had an orthopedic specialist from the city come down and repair those as well. You’re going to be feeling pretty bad for a little while but at least now they will all heal properly.”

Abby ran her hand over Clarke’s bruised cheek, taking a moment to just take her daughter in.

“You’ve got a pretty nasty concussion as well, so your head and vision might not feel normal for a little while. But, I promise you, I’m going to be around to help take care of you. I lost you once, I’m not going to do it again.”

Clarke looked up at her mom and tried to see if she really meant that. She couldn’t handle her mom coming back into her life then leaving again, even if the first time had been Clarke’s doing.

Two more sets of footsteps coming into the room caused Abby to lower Clarke back against the mattress and pull back.

She had the pleasure of meeting the young deputy that had saved her daughter when she got to the hospital that morning. Lexa had been sleeping in a chair at Clarke's bedside with Emma asleep against her chest. 

The image had confused her at first. She didn’t know who either of them was, but she could see the familiar resemblance in the little girl after just one glance. It was then that Abby realized just how much she needed to learn about her daughter.

Dr. Ramirez had sat down with Abby after that and explained everything he knew about the case to her. He told her about Clarke's multiple trips to the ER, about his call to the police to file an official report, and about the young deputy who had taken the case on and, from what he was told, saved Clarke the night before from a certain death. 

He had also explained that Lexa had spent the entire night waiting to hear how the surgery had gone. He told her how he offered her a cot to sleep on but instead of using it for herself she had laid Clarke's daughter down while she remained in the uncomfortable hospital chair, wide awake and anxious.

He even told her about how difficult it had been for him to get Lexa to agree to be examined for her own injuries, she was too reluctant to leave Emma with someone she didn’t know, despite the fact that she was sound asleep and likely would be for hours.

Abby took all the information in as best as she possibly could. The hardest part of the whole thing to swallow was the fact that she had a granddaughter. Abby felt tremendous shame when she first set eyes on Emma, she loathed herself for missing out on three years of her granddaughter’s life. 

She had always known Clarke wanted to have children, when she was younger she talked all the time about all the kids she wanted to have and how big her family was going to be, but actually seeing the proof of that in front of her sent Abby aback slightly.

Now, as Emma walked into the room with Lexa's hand clasped tightly in her own, Abby felt immense joy when she got to witness the little girl’s joy at seeing her mom awake. 

Lexa had taken Emma for a little walk around the hospital about an hour ago, wanting to give Abby a chance to sit with Clarke and give the restless little girl a chance to stretch her legs.

Clearly she had picked a good moment to return.

Abby could see the resemblance in their smiles, in the light in their eyes, the little girl was a mini Clarke with curly hair and it made Abby’s heart ache with joy. 

Clarke's sobs as she set her sights on her completely unharmed little girl hurt both of the adults in the room deeply. They would never know the true lengths Clarke had gone to in order to protect Emma over the past few years but they could both see the utter relief on her face. 

Clarke grabbed onto the side rails and mustered up every bit of energy and strength she had in her tired body to lift herself into a sitting position. Abby saw her struggle and immediately reached forward to help her sit up. She piled pillows behind her back to help her get comfortable then stepped back, knowing Clarke wanted nothing else in that moment but to be with her daughter. 

“Mommy!” Lexa lifted Emma easily into her arms and placed her down on the bed on Clarke's left side. Her right had taken the majority of the damage so the left was the safest place for Emma. 

“Do you remember what I told you about being careful with your mommy while she has a few boo boos?” Lexa's asked and waited until Emma nodded that she remembered before stepping back just as Abby had to give them their moment. 

As carefully as her three year old body could manage, Emma wrapped her arms around Clarke's neck and held tightly to her, resting her body fully against Clarke’s side. 

Clarke felt no pain in that moment, nothing could possibly be hurting her right now. She had feared for so long that Finn would one day take Emma away from her and now, now her beautiful little girl was safe. Now they were both safe. 

“I’m sorry I spilled my juice and made daddy hurt you..” Emma’s little voice was muffled from where her head pressed against her neck but Clarke still heard every word. It hurt something deep inside to hear Emma blame Finn’s problems on herself.

“No, baby, please don’t ever feel like you did anything wrong. You were so brave and strong. I am so proud of you.” Clarke brushed some of Emma’s wayward curls back out of her face. Part of her could still hear Finn’s voice in the back of her mind, yelling at her to make Emma look presentable so she didn’t embarrass him.

Clarke quietly worried that voice would never go away.

“I love you, mommy.” Emma pulled back enough to press a gentle kiss against the nasty bruise forming on Clarke’s cheek. The action made Clarke’s eyes water again, she had no idea what she did to deserve such an amazing little girl. She knew she was so lucky to have her.

“I love you, too, sweetie. You’re the best thing I’ve ever, ever done, please don’t ever forget that.”

Clarke knew nothing was over yet but she felt like such a huge battle had been won. She knew when she picked up that phone everything would finally change and it had.

Something in Clarke felt lighter, felt more free. She didn’t have the strength inside to truly identify the feeling just yet, so for now she would just enjoy it.

She would be remiss to not truly appreciate the whole reason she picked up the phone, to not think about the one person who had given her hope back that she could be saved after she had given up hope so long ago. 

Clarke’s eyes met Lexa’s across the room. There were so many things she wanted to say to Lexa, so many things she wanted to thank her for. But as their eyes locked, Clarke couldn’t seem to find a single thing to say.

How do you find the right words to express your thanks to someone who saved your life and kept the most precious thing in your life safe? A simple thank you just didn’t seem to be enough to convey the vast emotions swirling through her.

Clarke’s eyes couldn’t help but focus on the dark bruises she could see on Lexa’s neck. Her eyes drifted down further and saw a large bandage on her arm. The simple white t-shirt she wore still had blood on it and Clarke couldn’t really be sure who the blood belonged to.

Guilt flooded her as she put two and two together. 

Lexa hadn’t gotten out of the fight unscathed. She had got hurt defending her.

Almost as if she could read her mind, Lexa approached Clarke again and reached to take her hand. She paused halfway there, realizing Clarke might not be comfortable being touched. 

Normally, Clarke wouldn’t want to be touched, there was just too much built up in her mind to feel comfortable with touch, but it just felt different with Lexa. She didn’t know fear when Lexa was around.

Clarke raised her hand and allowed Lexa to connect them. 

“I’m really happy you’re okay.” Lexa’s voice was quiet and small, a tone that sounded foreign to Clarke’s ears.

“Are you hurt?” Clarke couldn’t seem to take her eyes off the bruises under the collar of Lexa’s shirt. She could make out the distinct look of fingerprints now that Lexa was standing closer, she knew those same fingerprints had been imprinted on her body plenty of times before.

“No, I’m okay.” Lexa’s neck had been bothering her all night while she waited for Clarke to finally wake up, the doctors had eventually forced her to get checked over while she impatiently waited for the surgery to get over. 

They explained that she had a bruised trachea, something that would cause her pain for a few weeks but would heal on its own. Her arm was another story, the bottle had sliced into her muscle and would need a procedure at some point to fix her muscle. 

They had tried talking her into getting it done right away but she had refused. She made a promise to keep Emma safe until she could again and she wasn’t about to break that.

The pain was awful but she knew it would be nothing compared to Clarke’s so she toughed it out and stayed by Emma’s side.

But now that she was awake and talking to her, nothing seemed to hurt at all. Clarke didn’t look particularly convinced so Lexa offered a reassuring smile.

“I promise, I’m okay.” She reaffirmed and gave Clarke’s hand a squeeze. “I’m just really happy to see you awake.”

“Thanks to you.” Clarke pointed out and watched the disagreement appear on Lexa’s face before it quickly was covered up with a smile.

“I should probably be getting home and get cleaned up, I really just wanted to make sure you were okay. I’m sure I have a lot of paperwork and conversations to take care of back at the station.” Lexa looked over at Abby. 

She hadn’t had the chance to really talk with the woman yet. Things were too chaotic when she arrived and no real conversation could take place with a three year old around. 

“I trust you want your mom to take care of Emma from here on out?”

Clarke felt panic spike inside her when Lexa mentioned leaving and the rhythmic beeping next to her picked up to reveal her panic to the rest of the room.

“Wait, stay.. Please..” 

It wasn’t that she didn’t trust her mom, it was more that she didn’t really know her anymore. Their relationship had been lost for so long, she didn’t know how to just start anew, not when there were so many other things to worry about. 

She knew technically she didn’t know Lexa either, but she felt instantly comfortable around her, she felt safe knowing she was there. There was always something about Lexa that just fit in her life.

She could also see that Emma was completely endeared to Lexa and she didn’t really know how she’d end up feeling about her mom. Besides the fact that now wasn’t the time to throw Emma into another situation she didn’t really understand, she needed stability.

To Clarke, Lexa represented the utmost stability and, more importantly, safety.

Both Lexa and Abby were concerned when they heard Clarke’s heart rate jump up and even Emma seemed to key in on her mother’s panic. She pulled back and placed another kiss on her cheek.

“You’re safe here, Clarke, he’s in jail now. No one is going to hurt you anymore.” Lexa tried to reassure but the panic didn’t seem to ease from Clarke’s face at all.

“I just.. I feel safe with you here..” Clarke trailed off, afraid that she was overstepping herself. 

“Clarke, sweetie, how about Lexa goes home and gets cleaned up while I stay here with you? She’s been in those same clothes for over a day, she should go home and get changed. I’m sure she’ll be willing to come back if that’s what you want.” Abby offered knowing it was making a big assumption about Lexa but something told her it wasn’t unfounded. Either way, Clarke still looked terrified. 

“How about this, how about I call one of the other deputies to come down and sit outside your room until I can come back. Would that make you feel a little better?” 

Clarke reluctantly nodded, knowing she was being difficult. She knew better than to be a problem and she was doing it right now. 

That voice in the back of her head returned full force.

_Don’t argue. Don’t be difficult. Smile. Keep your mouth shut. Look pretty. Don’t embarrass me. Don’t have an opinion. Do what I say. ___

__She shook her head, trying in vain to rid the voice from her mind._ _

__“Of course, I’m sorry. You don’t have to come back, I know you’ve already gone so far out of your way for me.” Clarke felt like she was falling back into a role she’d been playing for years. Part of her wondered if it wasn’t even a role anymore, if it was just who she was now._ _

__Lexa felt like kicking herself when she heard the change in Clarke’s voice. She never wanted to make Clarke feel like she was bothering her or putting her out, it was the last thing she’d ever purposely do._ _

__“No, please don’t apologize. I want to come back, I just didn’t know if you wanted me here. I’ll wait until one of the guys can get down here then I’ll come back as soon as I cleaned up some and checked in with the station.”_ _

__Clarke’s only response was a quiet nod._ _

__Lexa knew a few reassurances would never eradicate years’ worth of Finn’s manipulation but she figured the healing process had to start somewhere. It broke her heart to witness just how affected Clarke’s psyche had been by Finn’s actions._ _

__She vowed to do whatever she could to help heal the pieces Finn had broken inside her, if Clarke would let her._ _

__The reality of the situation is, Lexa truly was no one to Clarke. Yes, she had answered the call and given her freedom from Finn, but personally Clarke and Lexa had no relationship. Their sole connection was a business card and a police case that was now out of her hands._ _

__Lexa had done her job, she’d brought the criminal to justice. Anything after this would be up to Clarke. Given her reaction earlier, Lexa could assume Clarke wanted her to be there. But Lexa also knew that Clarke was traumatized and scared and Lexa felt like a safe place for now._ _

__Only time could tell them if Lexa had a real place in Clarke’s recovery or not._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think.


	9. Chapter 9

Lexa struggled to keep her eyes open as she glanced around the station, trying to remember why she was even there. She had kept her promise to Clarke the day before and went right back to the hospital after she changed and ended up staying there again overnight. 

Emma had taken to sticking tight to her side when she wasn’t in the hospital bed with Clarke and Lexa just couldn’t find it in herself to take whatever comfort she was giving Emma away. She was pretty sure she couldn’t say no to Emma in pretty much any circumstance. 

Leaving this morning had gone significantly smoother than it did the day before. Lexa was fairly certain that was strictly because Dr. Ramirez had started Clarke on a stronger pain medicine when she finally admitted her head felt like it was going to split open. It knocked her out enough to not realize Lexa was leaving.

Emma had been harder to convince so she had to promise that she would return later tonight and hang out until visiting hours were over. She had even promised to bring a special treat for dessert, she just prayed she didn’t forget to pick something up between now and then.

Hopefully the gift shop would be open later, in case she did.

Between Lexa, Abby, and the other deputies that were helping Lexa out, they never left Clarke alone in her room. Emma had been staying in Clarke’s room on a cot but they all knew eventually other arrangements were going to need to be made.

Lexa knew there were going to be a lot of other arrangements that needed to be sorted out before Clarke was discharged from the hospital, she just wasn’t certain where her place in those decisions would be. That is, if she even had one.

Dr. Ramirez had explained that Clarke’s discharge would still be a few days away, her oxygen levels still weren’t responding well off of the supplemental oxygen and her pain levels were still pretty high.

By the time Lexa had gotten herself cleaned up and made it to the station to check in, her energy reserves for the day were running dangerously low and it was barely even noon. She hadn’t eaten anything, her neck was throbbing, her arm constantly felt like someone was stabbing her, and she hadn’t gotten a decent night’s sleep in what felt like a week. 

All in all, she was miserable and it showed.

“You look like shit.” Lincoln commented when he saw her plop down at her desk. She was tempted to throw the stapler next to her hand at his head. Somehow she managed to withhold.

“Yes, thank you, I did look in a mirror earlier.” She snapped back, in no mood to handle his usual bantering. 

She knew he meant no harm, she just really didn’t care.

Lincoln held his hands up to signal he wouldn’t bother her again before disappearing to find something else to do out of the range of her wrath. He was no fool, he grew up with three sisters, there was nothing more stupid than pissing off an already pissed off woman.

Lexa sighed as Lincoln disappeared out of sight and turned to look at the reports that were piled up on her desk. The sheer amount of papers and folders on her desk was overwhelming, all she wanted to do was run her arm along the entire thing and throw it all onto the floor. She figured it probably wouldn’t come across as very professional so she resisted.

Instead, she pushed everything to the side that didn’t pertain to Clarke’s case and focused solely on getting those reports clear and concise. 

When this went to trial she knew she’d be called to testify and she wanted to make sure there were no little mistakes that could doom them. Finn was going to rot in jail for the rest of his miserable life, if she had anything to do with it.

Before she had a chance to even start writing Lexa heard Sergeant Kane calling her name from his office. She sighed again, wanting to ignore him and just get this stuff done so she could leave again+. She knew she had a lecture coming, she wasn’t sure exactly which part of what happened he’d lecture her for, but it didn’t really matter to her at this point, she just didn’t want to deal with it at all.

“Woods, now.” Kane yelled again. By this point he’d drawn the attention of the rest of the station, leaving Lexa no choice but to get up and see what he wanted.

She straightened up her button up, trying her best to appear as put together and professional as possible. She hadn’t bothered with her uniform earlier when she changed, she knew she’d never be allowed out on patrol so she stuck to a pressed white button up and a pair of black dress pants.

“Close the door.” Lexa closed the door behind her as Kane instructed and took a seat across from him. She couldn’t read past the stoicism on his face despite how hard she tried to figure out if he was angry with her. 

“Why are you here?” Lexa was confused by that. Today was one of her scheduled days to work, why wouldn’t she be here?

“No offense, sir, but why wouldn’t I be here?”

“Because you could have been killed two days ago, Lexa.” Lexa had to sit back at Kane’s outburst. She’d never, in the ten years she’d worked under him, seen him yell like that. His use of her first name didn’t escape her either.

Lexa was certain he’d never used her first name before. 

“You ran into that house without a second thought about what you were going to find on the other side of that door. What good would you have been to the wife if Finn had shot you the second you stepped in that door?”

“What good would I have been if I didn’t go in there? Sir, her lung had collapsed long before I got to her. She had seconds, not the minutes it would have taken to wait for back up and do it by protocol. And do you think he wouldn’t have noticed the cop cars piling up outside his house? He would have seen us coming and done something worse.” 

Lexa wasn’t going to stand down about this. Clarke was too close to death for her to ever apologize for how she went about getting her out.

“You were the one that taught me to follow my gut. You were the one that told me sometimes the right thing to do didn’t always fit in the protocols and rules. I won’t apologize for what I did, sir. I can’t. She’s still alive and so is her daughter and his ass is in jail. At the end of the day, that’s literally all that matters to me.”

Kane looked Lexa over after she finished her rant. He face gave nothing away as he sat there in silence and observed her.

“I received the report from the doctor that saw you the other night, I don’t want you to set foot back in this station until you get that arm taken care of, do you understand me? He made it clear he suggested surgery right away and you refused. That is incredibly stupid and reckless. You do realize if you don’t get that arm fixed your career would be over, right? You’re supposed to be the one deputy I have with a brain.”

“Sir, I need to get the reports done for this case. You know assholes like Finn, he’s going to have a lawyer before the end of the day and we need to have enough to keep him in jail. The procedure can wait. I can still move my arm fine, the doctor told me I needed it done eventually, not right now.” 

The last thing she wanted was for Finn to get bail and be free. She knew Clarke would never be able to handle that.

Hell, she’d never be able to handle that.

“Do the reports at home with Lincoln’s help and have him submit them to me. I’m officially taking this case over now, this is bigger than you. The county attorney will be in later to speak with me about it.” Kane paused and looked away from Lexa. He took a deep breath before speaking again. 

“Woods, you’ve got bruises darker than your hair on your neck and don’t think I haven’t noticed you’re favoring that arm. I could have lost you in there, you were brazen and stupid and it could have cost you everything.”

“Sir—“ 

“But, it didn’t.” He interrupted. “You did a damn fine job with this case, we all saw how much of yourself you gave to it. I’ll be recommending you for a commendation once this whole thing is over. Now, please, get the hell out of here and get yourself fixed up. I’m going to need my next Lieutenant Deputy healthy and ready to go sooner rather than later.”

Lexa’s eyes widened as she finally caught up to what Kane was saying. He wasn’t yelling at her because she did anything wrong, he was yelling because he was scared she had almost died. And, apparently, he was promoting her.

“Thank you, sir. I’ll be back before you know it. Expect the report on your desk first thing tomorrow morning.” Kane nodded in acknowledgement before Lexa stood and took her leave from his office.

“And Woods?” Lexa turned back just before she was out the door. “Get some sleep, you look like shit.”

“Yes sir.” 

Lincoln was waiting just outside the office, wanting to make sure Lexa was okay. He looked confused when she walked out of the office with a smile on her face.

“Everything okay? You’re smiling.. It’s freaking me out a little bit.” 

“He just promoted me, I think. Well, he inferred that he was promoting me to lieutenant once I healed enough to come back.”

“Seriously? That’s amazing, Lex, I know you’ve been waiting for that for a while now. Apparently you just had to almost get yourself killed to get it.” 

Lincoln didn’t even mind the punch that she landed against his arm for the comment, he was too happy for her. 

“So I’m not allowed to be in the station anymore until I’m healed but I still need to get my reports done, guess who gets to help me?”

“Fine but we’re doing it at my house. O’s been dying to see you and find out about Clarke, we can kill two birds with one stone. I’ll text her now, she’ll get food started for us.”

Lexa wasn’t exactly looking forward to reliving everything that happened with Octavia but she knew Octavia had a personal interest in finding out about Clarke and she wasn’t going deprive her of that.

Lexa was indignant as Lincoln drove them to his house. She was more than capable of driving herself in her own car, but he insisted she shouldn’t be driving while her arm was so messed up. She wanted to tell him she had already driven herself home and to the hospital twice and then to the police station.

But it was his loss, in the end, now without her car he would be driving her to the hospital later.

“Has anyone talked about where Clarke and her daughter will be staying when she was discharged?” Lincoln’s questions broke through Lexa’s thoughts.

“I’m not sure, I would imagine her mom and her have discussed it. It’s not really my place to bring stuff like that up.” Lexa still wasn’t sure what her place was going to be for Clarke in the future, at this point she continued to be around because she didn’t know how to say no to Emma.

She couldn’t say no to Clarke either, come to think of it.

Lexa decided it wasn’t really the right time to figure out why that is.

“Does her mom have a place here still?” 

“I’m honestly not sure.”

Lexa’s mind ran after the conversation came to an end. She knew Clarke would never be able to return to the home she shared with Finn, that place would feel like a prison to her now. There would be far too many memories for Clarke to ever feel comfortable there again.

She knew her relationship with her mom was strained and still in the very first steps of repair.

She knew Emma needed stability and someplace safe, not a hotel or motel.

She also knew Clarke likely had no money of her own, she had never held a job and Finn had control over everything.

It seemed like too many things stacked against Clarke finding a safe place to stay once she was discharged in a few days. 

The conversation stayed with Lexa throughout dinner, even as she retold the story to Octavia. She couldn’t seem to stop thinking about what Clarke would do next.

Lincoln interjected every once and a while, adding in parts Lexa had tried her best to leave out. Octavia didn’t need to know how Lexa had gotten hurt or how badly she had beaten Finn after she got the upper hand.

Octavia had expressed pretty strong interest in driving down to the jail and finding Finn and, in her words, ‘castrating him and then shoving it down his throat until he choked.’ Lexa had to admit it was a pretty colorful idea.

It wasn’t until Octavia spoke the words aloud that Lexa realized she’d known the solution the entire time, she just was scared to admit it.

“Well why don’t you have her come stay with you until she can get back on her feet? You’ve got that big house to yourself and you said it yourself, the little girl is attached to you. Clarke will feel comfortable with you around. And I’m just down the block. I could, you know, help with whatever.”

Lexa knew Octavia desperately wanted to connect with Clarke again and honestly, she couldn’t blame her. Since the night Lexa had told Octavia about her case, she hadn’t stopped asking and talking about her. 

They were exceedingly close for a long time and it was clear Octavia missed her greatly. Lexa knew it would be piling too much on Clarke right now if they brought Octavia in and thankfully, Octavia was okay with waiting until Clarke was ready to see her again. Lexa could see how much Clarke was struggling with her mom being around now, she didn’t know if she could handle Octavia as well.

Lexa wanted to object instantly, she had no right to ask Clarke to stay with her. In fact, she was fairly certain she’d come across as entirely weird and creepy if she did.

But as she sat thinking about it after dinner, only half distracted by the baby that was asleep in her arms, she was starting to come around to the idea. Maybe she even was starting to think it made sense. 

By the time she was saying goodbye to Octavia and coercing Lincoln into driving her to the hospital so she could check on Clarke, the idea was a constant buzzing in her head.

When she got to the hospital, after making Lincoln turn around when she, of course, forgot to pick up dessert for Emma, Lexa felt like she was going to blurt the idea out just so she could get it out of her head. 

But, thankfully, she kept her mouth shut and took her normal seat next to Clarke’s bed. Emma climbed right up into her lap and gave her a play by play of everything that she had missed throughout the day. Lexa sat and listened intently, almost relieved to see a small smile break out on Clarke’s face as she watched Emma rant to Lexa.

Lexa was certain she’d sit there for days and listen to Emma if it meant Clarke would keep smiling like that.

Abby had taken the opportunity to go check herself into her hotel room she’d set up for herself and get showered and changed. She seemed reluctant to leave but Lexa reassured her multiple times that she wouldn’t be leaving Clarke alone. 

Even with that reassurance, Abby promised she’d only be gone a short time. Lexa couldn’t possibly be upset by Abby’s protectiveness, she knew Clarke would need every bit of it in the coming months.

“And then the doctor told mommy that I needed to have least two pieces of candy every single day. Can you believe that, two whole pieces.” Lexa smiled down at Emma and did her best to act shocked by that. 

“Well, do you think you’d be okay giving up those two whole pieces of candy for the ice cream I brought?” Lexa couldn’t help but laugh as Emma’s eyes immediately lit up and she couldn’t seem to nod fast enough. 

“There is only one rule, though. You have to share with your mommy, okay?” 

Emma nodded at that and looked up at Clarke as she got up onto her knees to be able to lean closer to her. Lexa instinctively wrapped an arm around Emma to ensure she didn’t fall off the chair as she leaned over.

“Mommy, Lexa got me ice cream, I gonna share with you.” 

“That was very nice of her, sweetie, did you tell Lexa thank you?” Clarke did her best to lean close to Emma, despite the pain she felt leaning on her right side. Clarke had been trying her hardest to not show Emma that anything was bothering her even if it meant dealing with pain.

They had increased her pain medicine during the day so the ache was almost manageable.

Emma looked worried and quickly turned back to Lexa, scared that she wouldn’t get the ice cream if she didn’t say thank you.

“Thank you very, very, very much. Can I have it now?” Emma asked then looked worried again before continuing. “Please?”

Lexa couldn’t help but smile at her antics. The little girl was incredibly well mannered and polite, quite the opposite of how Lexa was at that age. Her mother use to call her ‘her little terror’. Lexa never quite realized it wasn’t really a good thing until she was much older.

“Did you have dinner already?” Lexa asked Emma but looked up Clarke to get an honest answer. Both Clarke and Emma nodded at the same time.

“And did you ask your mommy if it was okay to have ice cream right now?”

Lexa had to grab Emma again when she turned too quickly to ask Clarke and almost sent herself flying right off Lexa’s lap. Her injured arm bent in an uncomfortable way but she ignored it and settled Emma in her lap again, keeping an arm around her to prevent anymore sudden movements.

With Clarke’s blessing Lexa placed Emma down on the bed again and got up to get the ice cream from the fridge at the nurse’s station. She made sure to grab two spoons before heading back to the room and taking her seat again. She knew it would be too hard for Clarke to hold the bowl so she scooted her chair closer and leaned up enough that both girls could get ice cream from the bowl.

While Emma was lost in her little ice cream world, Clarke looked down at Lexa, her smile from earlier gone from her face.

“My mom wants to take Emma to the hotel with her tonight. I know she’s not wrong, this isn’t the best place for Emma to be staying all day every day. But, I just… Emma doesn’t know my mom, you know? And I don’t really know her anymore either. I don’t know what to do.” Lexa was struck by the fact that she’d never heard Clarke speak so much at one time, it threw her off. She couldn’t deny that she enjoyed hearing Clarke talk, though, especially if it meant she was starting to get more comfortable.

“Emma doesn’t seem unhappy here. I think as long as she’s with you, she’s good.” Lexa offered her opinion, not sure if Clarke wanted it or if she was just throwing ideas off her to talk it out.

Lexa figured Clarke didn’t really do that, though. There clearly had been no room for her to even have an idea with Finn, let alone have an opinion and make decisions.

It took her a second to put all the pieces together in her head but eventually Lexa figured it out. Clarke never got to have an opinion on things when Finn was around and she didn’t even know how to make an important decision anymore. 

Lexa worried that Clarke wanted her to make this decision for her. She’d do everything she could to prevent that from happening. Maybe the first step to helping her heal would be to help her make some decision for herself.

“I’m terrified to have her out of my sight but this isn’t fair to her. I can tell she’s restless, she’s just too polite to say anything.” Clarke ran her hand through Emma’s hair before wiping some of the ice cream from her chin. 

“Are you worried she’d be scared with your mom?” Lexa did her best to help Clarke work through this decision on her own. 

Clarke shrugged. Her mom had provided a viable option, she felt guilty even thinking about not going with it.

“I just.. I don’t feel comfortable with either option. She should have somewhere safe to be with someone we both trust.”

“I have an idea.” Everything in Lexa had screamed at her not to throw this idea out, but she’d do anything to make that fear and sadness disappear from Clarke’s face. 

Lexa paused and waited to see if Clarke wanted to hear her idea. She still wasn’t making a decision for her, she was just giving her a third option that hopefully was more appealing.

“What if I take Emma back to my house with me tonight? I have a spare bedroom for her and she seems comfortable with me. I mean, it’s completely up to you, I know you don’t really know me enough to trust me with your daughter. If you don’t want her to come with me I completely understand, I just figured I’d give you another option.”

Lexa never thought herself to be an insecure person, if anything she had a tendency to be overly confident, but for some reason right now she felt completely insecure and out of her element.

The hesitance she read on Clarke’s face after she spoke did nothing to diminish the insecure feeling.

“You’ve already done way too much for us, Lexa.” 

Lexa was almost relieved to hear Clarke was hesitant because she felt like she was being a burden, not because she thought Lexa was overstepping her boundaries.

“Clarke, there are a million things I wish I could have done above and beyond what I’ve already done for you. I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t truly want to help you out. And besides, I kind of like the little monkey, she’s growing on me.”

If Lexa’s mission had been to get a smile out of Clarke, she succeeded tenfold. 

“If you’re really sure. I know it’s asking a lot.” Clarke still seemed worried Lexa was going to yell at her for something. 

“You’re not asking anything at all, I’m offering. I’ll have one of the guys swing by your house and get some clothes and toys for her. She’s got her bear here with her, is there anything else I should have them look for?” 

Lexa figured changing the focus of the conversation might help get Clarke to relax and accept that she truly wanted to do this for her.

“She.. She doesn’t have a lot. The bear is really the only thing she can’t be without.” Clarke’s shame was very clear in her voice. She had always tried her best to give Emma whatever she wanted but with no money of her own and Finn refusing to spend money on things he didn’t think Emma needed, it was hard.

“Well no worries, I’ll make sure they grab some clothes for her and I’ll tell them to grab a few of her toys.”

Clarke nodded at that and let the conversation go as settled. She didn’t have the words to tell Lexa how much she really appreciated everything she was doing for her. As soon as she heard Lexa’s idea she knew it would be the best solution for both Emma and Clarke.

Emma would be with someone she felt comfortable with and Clarke would know her daughter was safe in the hands of the woman that had risked her own life to save them. There truly was no one else she could see herself trusting Emma with.

A little while later they were sitting watching some movie Emma seemed to love, Abby had yet to return so it was just the three of them. Clarke took the opportunity to bring something up that was bothering her from earlier. She had battled with herself to just keep quiet and not speak what was on her mind, but something about Lexa made Clarke feel like she could.

She glanced at Lexa with Emma sitting comfortable on her lap and cleared her throat to get Lexa’s attention.

“You, um, you were wrong earlier.” Clarke paused while she tried to find the courage to continue on. Lexa reached up and took a hold of Clarke’s hand when she saw the struggle on her face. The connection was able to relax Clarke enough to help her finish her thought.

“When you said I didn’t know you enough to trust you with Emma. You were wrong.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think. As always I'm over on Tumblr @bradypop. Check out the moodboard I've put together for this fic over there.
> 
> There likely won't be an update for Tuesday and possibly Wednesday. I'm unfortunately going to be stuck in jury duty.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter is going up much earlier than I anticipated.

There’s a broken shade in Lexa’s bedroom that tends to let some of light in when the moon sits in the right spot in the sky. Normally, the extra light never quite bothered Lexa, it was always there in her periphery but she could ignore it. Sometimes, she actually found herself enjoying the light, it bathed her bedroom in a warm glow that put her at ease.

Tonight, though, as she lay in bed with Emma just a room away, that light was slowly driving Lexa insane. She was beyond desperate for sleep, she’d been exhausted for what felt like days and she had planned on passing out as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

But, she couldn’t seem to find sleep.

She wasn’t sure if it really had anything to do with the light streaming in, though. That had been there every night the moon was visible and she’d never sat awake like this before. 

She was fairly certain her insomnia was solely due to the little girl sleeping just a room away.

Emma was so excited when Clarke had explained where she was going to stay for the night. She had told every nurse they passed on the way out that she was going to a sleepover with Lexa. Lexa tried not to blush at all the attention she had conjured up with her excitement but she knew she failed pretty spectacularly. 

Lexa could still remember how broken Clarke looked as she said goodnight to Emma. The little girl was so excited about her sleepover she didn’t seem to pick up on the somber mood, but Lexa couldn’t miss it. 

“You have to be on your best behavior for Lexa, okay? When she says it’s bedtime, no trying to trick her into letting you stay up later like you like to do with mommy.” Emma nodded at everything Clarke was saying. She’d agree to pretty much anything if it meant she got to go with Lexa. “I’m going to miss you so much, baby girl. I’ll see you first thing in the morning.”

She couldn’t really fathom how hard it was to say goodbye to her daughter given the trauma they both had been through. It really showed Lexa how strong Clarke was despite her insistence that she was anything but.

Lexa felt an awful lump in her throat as she picked Emma up from Clarke’s bed and carried her out of the room. She was thankful Abby was remaining behind to stay the night with Clarke, she knew Clarke was going to need someone there for emotional support.

Lexa had been struck by how badly she wanted to stay and help Clarke but when it came down to it, the best thing she could do for Clarke right now was to take care of Emma until she could again, she didn’t care how long that would be.

Lexa flipped over onto her side and looked at the clock resting on her bedside table.

“Shit.” 

She groaned and shoved the pillow over her head when she saw that it was already past two in the morning. She promised Clarke she’d be back first thing in the morning with Emma, that didn’t really leave a lot of time for sleeping. 

Lexa knew her insomnia was mostly because she was so afraid Emma would wake up and need her for something despite the fact that she’d learned over the past few nights that Emma slept through pretty much anything and everything.

She took Clarke’s trust very seriously, she knew it wasn’t easily earned and it meant a lot that Clarke had given it to her so freely. She’d lose a little sleep if it meant she did everything right to take care of Emma.

With a sigh of resignation Lexa grabbed her remote and flipped her television on, finding some random cooking show and watched that with the volume turned almost all the way down. 

Three episodes and no sleep later Lexa heard footsteps approaching her room. She sat up quickly, worried something was wrong and was met with the sight of Emma coming into her room with her bear in one arm and her blanket in another.

The girl didn’t look too overly scared or stressed, the most prevalent thing Lexa could see was that she looked like she was still half asleep. Her curls were sticking up in every direction and her thumb was sucked into her mouth. Even with that knowledge Lexa couldn’t find it in herself to relax.

“I had bad dream..” Lexa was up and out of the bed before Emma could finish speaking. She scooped Emma up into her arms, getting a face full of her bear before she could adjust her on her hip accordingly.

“I’m sorry, sweetie, what was the dream about?”

As Emma explained her dream about a big scary monster that kept taking her mom away from her, Lexa was doing everything she could to not freak out. She very quickly realized she had absolutely no experience taking care of a kid and no idea what to do to soothe her after a bad dream.

Should she call Clarke and see what she wanted her to do? Lexa pushed the thought away, it was after two and Clarke really needed to get as much sleep as possible to heal. Plus, Clarke trusted her to take care of Emma, if she called with the first problem she encountered would Clarke trust her anymore?

Her thoughts went to Abby next, but she quickly ruled her out as well. Mostly because she didn’t have any way of getting in touch with her but also because Abby was already not thrilled with the idea of her having Emma and not Abby herself. 

She didn’t want to give Abby anymore reason to think Lexa had been the wrong choice.

Maybe she was supposed to bring Emma back to her room and stay with her until she could fall asleep again, that seemed like a pretty reasonable solution. 

Was she supposed to say something about the nightmare? It wasn’t hard to figure out what the dream really was about, but the topic just seemed too off limits for Lexa to handle without Clarke’s influence.

Emma seemed to be completely oblivious to Lexa’s internal panic, though. Or she just didn’t have the wherewithal to really care about it, not when she knew exactly what needed to be done. 

After explaining her dream, she squirmed to get down from Lexa’s arms before taking her hand and pulling her back to her bed. Emma threw her bear and blanket up onto the bed before climbing up with a little help from Lexa.

“Well, that definitely works, too. Good idea.” Lexa mumbled to herself, slightly embarrassed by her internal panic when the answer should have been relatively obvious considering Emma had it figured out instantly.

Lexa grabbed Emma’s blanket and tucked her in again before laying down next to her, considerably tenser than she would ever admit. She was certain after tonight Clarke would never let her watch Emma again, she’d see just how unqualified Lexa was and forbid it without a second thought.

She was worried she’d roll into Emma during the night and hurt her. She had all but decided to remain awake for the rest of the night and just ensure Emma was comfortable and sleeping soundly.

Emma, again, seemed oblivious to Lexa’s issues. Instead, she rolled onto her side and tucked herself against Lexa’s chest, her head resting under her chin and the bear cuddled between them. 

And just like that, all of Lexa’s worries and fears about not being capable faded away. She finally relaxed and her body drifted off to sleep with one arm protectively wrapped around Emma.

Days later, Dr. Ramirez and the rest of the doctors taking care of Clarke, signed off on her discharge and set up numerous follow up appointments for her and packets full of instructions on how to take care of all her injuries at home.

Despite the fact that they all knew this day was coming, no one had talked about where Clarke was going to stay once she was discharged. So, despite the fact that the doctors were ready to discharge her, Clarke still sat in her hospital bed listening to her mom explain all the reasons why she should agree to get on a plane and move into her mother’s house halfway across the country. 

What Clarke couldn’t convey to her mom was that she wasn’t willing to just run away because she thought it would be easier. Abby had run away because of her problems, Clarke wasn’t going to do it, too. 

It went unspoken that Clarke also wasn’t willing to move away from the safety she felt with Lexa but both could sense the explanation hanging unsaid.

“Clarke, sweetie, there’s nothing left in this town for you. You can start fresh with me in Tulsa. We can get you back in school for whatever you want, the school district is great for Emma. She can start preschool there next year and make lots of friends. Don’t you want the chance to start over?”

Clarke looked at her hands in her lap and shook her head. She struggled so hard to stand up for herself, it was so deeply ingrained in her to shut up and do whatever she was told to do. But, she didn’t want to be that person anymore. 

She didn’t want to just shut up and let everyone else make decisions for her.

Not that she knew how to be anyone else just yet, but she figured at least it was a good start to realize she wanted to change. 

“I don’t want to leave, mom. How many things can I throw at Emma before she can’t handle anymore? She’s already dealt with so much trauma and upheaval, I just don’t want to pile on more and more. And this is my home, too. Long before..” She paused, losing her thoughts for a moment when she pictured Finn. 

Clarke took a minute to clear the thoughts from her head, wanting to shove him as far away as possible. She didn’t want to be his victim for the rest of her life, despite the fact that it was exactly how she felt. 

“Long before this mess happened, this was my home. With you and dad. This is where I want to be. This is where I want Emma to grow up.”

“She’s three years old, she’s not in school yet, she doesn’t have any friends outside of Lexa and obviously that’s not even a real friendship, she will handle the move just fine.”

Clarke wanted to scream at her mom for not understanding how she felt but she just simply bit her lip and shook her head again.

“Lexa is her friend, she’s gone so far out of her way for us, why don’t you seem to like her?” Clarke really couldn’t understand why Abby seemed against Lexa being in their lives.

“I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration for Lexa. I owe her so much for saving you and Emma, I just don’t want you both to get too attached and then get hurt when Lexa moves on with her life.”

Clarke had the same fears, she wasn’t stupid to believe Lexa was going to stick around forever, but there was just something about Lexa that Clarke trusted. 

“Clarke, if you don’t come with me, where will you go?”

Clarke looked up at her mom and tried to see if there was any unbridled anger or fury on her face. She expected it to be there, she expected to always see fury when she did something that directly disagreed with someone else. 

She’d just spent the last ten minutes arguing with her, she normally didn’t last that long in an argument without at least a bruise or two to show for it.

But Abby’s face was more worried and concerned than anything else. There was no anger or resentment present.

“I’ll stay with Lexa.” The words were out of Clarke’s mouth before she could even realize what they were. Lexa hadn’t offered her house to Clarke, she’d only offered to take Emma in until Clarke could take care of her again.

“You don’t really even know Lexa, sweetie, how can you be okay staying with her?”

Clarke didn’t see Lexa walk into the room with Emma in her arms, her back was facing the door as she spoke to her mom. She didn’t see the shock on Lexa’s face when she realized what they were talking about. 

She also didn’t see the relief that appeared just seconds later when Lexa realized she wouldn’t have to separate from Clarke and she wouldn’t have to figure out how to ask Clarke to stay with her.

Lexa had been trying to find a way to offer her home to Clarke for the past few days. It started with Octavia’s idea that she couldn’t seem to get out of her head. It grew when she saw how much more relaxed Clarke was when she was around. It became a real, concrete idea when she saw how much light and joy Emma brought to her normally lonely home.

The little girl could make the darkest of days light with her bright smile and contagious laugh. Her mood seemed to always be happy and cheerful, despite what situation she was in. Lexa had never felt as content in her home as she did with Emma there with her. 

Lexa knew her house will feel horribly lonely and empty when Emma is no longer there. She wasn’t looking for that to happen anytime soon.

Lexa desperately wanted to sneak back out and pretend she never heard the conversation, she knew how thrown off Clarke would be if she knew she had been listening. But Emma was far too excited to see her mom to go along with the silent plan in Lexa’s head.

“Mommy, guess what? Guess what?” Emma hurried over to the bed, completely oblivious to the tension hanging in the air. 

Clarke’s eyes flickered between paying attention to Emma and watching Lexa to gauge her reaction to what she overheard. Lexa did her best to keep her face neutral until they could really sit down and talk about it.

In the end, the excited little girl won out. Abby lifted Emma up onto the bed next to Clarke and stood back, dropping the previous topic of conversation for the time being.

“What’s got you so excited?” 

“Lexa gave me my own hat, isn’t it super duper cool? Member she promised me one? I get my own badge, Lexa said it’s just like hers.” Emma held up the hat in her hands so Clarke could see it. The smile on Emma’s face was so bright and innocent Clarke couldn’t help but smile herself.

The hat was an exact replica of the one Lexa always wore, complete with the silver star badge that had Emma’s name engraved on it. It had been quite the process to get the hat made but it was all worth it when she saw the look on Emma’s face when she gave it to her.

“That was really nice of Lexa, did you say thank you?” Emma nodded instantly. She had enthusiastically thanked Lexa about a hundred times when she surprised her with it earlier. Lexa was fairly certain the only words that had come out of Emma’s mouth for a good solid hour were thank you.

It was beyond adorable in Lexa’s opinion. The fact that such a little thing could make her so happy made Lexa’s heart ache, she couldn’t help but wish for the same blissful innocence that enveloped Emma at all times.

Life would be so much easier if everyone could have some of that unbridled happiness in their lives.

“I, um, I brought a puzzle with me to keep her occupied for a little while. I figured there would probably be some things that needed to be discussed.” Lexa held up the box in her hand. She had taken Emma to the store and let her pick out whatever puzzle she wanted. 

The ‘Finding Nemo’ puzzle had been chosen before Emma could even set her sights on anything else. Lexa didn’t mention the handful of other toys Emma had picked out that had somehow made it into her shopping cart.

She really needed to learn how to say no to the little girl or she’d probably end up going broke really fast.

Abby got Emma set up with her puzzle in the corner of the room. Much to Lexa’s amusement, the little girl refused to take her hat off now that Clarke had seen and approved of it.

Lexa took a seat next to Clarke and waited to see if she would start the conversation, she wanted to give her every chance to step out of her comfort zone and exert herself. Clarke’s eyes remained on her lap, feeling like she had messed up and now Lexa was going to yell at her for it.

It didn’t really matter that Lexa had never yelled at her for anything, in fact Lexa had never reacted to Clarke with anything other than patience and kindness, Clarke still felt like she had overstepped whatever relationship they had developed and that could really only mean one thing for Clarke. Punishment. 

“I’ve been trying to find a way to ask you to stay with me for a few days now. I thought it would be too forward of me to ask, having Emma stay with me a few days is one thing, having you stay with me until you can get back on your feet is entirely different. But I have a big giant house all to myself, I’d be more than happy to have you there for as long as you need.” 

Clarke winced slightly when Lexa started speaking, she didn’t even hear the words at first because she was so preoccupied with bracing herself for the backlash of her actions. When the words finally registered in her head Clarke thought her mind was playing tricks on her.

Not only was Lexa not mad, she was actually receptive to the idea and had thought about it herself. It terrified Clarke to realize how attached she was to Lexa already but some of the panic eased when she finally understood Lexa was seemingly okay with it.

“I really feel like Clarke would do best if she could get away from this area and start fresh, surely you can understand and even agree with that.” 

Abby tried to get Lexa to see her point of view but Lexa wasn’t interested in telling Clarke what she needed or wanted. Lexa wanted Clarke to find her own voice, she knew that was an incredibly important part of her recovery.

“To be honest, ma’am, it’s not my place to tell Clarke what’s best for her. This is her life and her daughter, I think it’s up to her to make any decision regarding them. I’m simply offering her a safe place to stay if she wants it.” Lexa looked to Clarke and saw her head was still downcast. “Clarke, no matter what, this is your choice. I will help you in whatever way I can, but ultimately you need to make this decision.”

Lexa loathed the fact that Abby spoke about Clarke like she wasn’t in the room and like she didn’t have the ability to make decisions for herself. She knew Abby was just being overprotective of Clarke, and honestly she couldn’t fault her for that given what Clarke had been through, but she didn’t want that protectiveness to impede on Clarke’s ability to recover.

The last thing Clarke needs going forward is for someone to come in and try to make all her decisions for her.

“I think..” Clarke paused to gather her thoughts. It all felt like too much for her to handle but part of her knew Lexa was right, she needed to make this decision for herself. “I think I’m going to stay with Lexa.”

Lexa could see how hard that decision was for Clarke, she could practically see the struggle on her face. She wanted to reach over and take Clarke’s hand to provide her with a little support but she hesitated, still unsure how Clarke was with physical contact.

“I was hoping… I thought maybe you’d be willing to come back here? I need you, mom, more than I’ve ever needed you before. But I need you to be here, not in Tulsa.” 

Abby looked torn as she listened to Clarke. It felt good to hear she was needed but given the circumstances it also hurt. She knew the answer, though, she’d already left Clarke once, she wasn’t going to do it again.

Abby knelt down in front of Clarke and took her hands, clearly not feeling the same hesitance Lexa had about touching Clarke.

“If you want to be here, I’ll be here, too. Whatever you need, okay?”

Clarke nodded with tears in her eyes before leaning forward and wrapping her arms around Abby’s neck in a tight hug. 

Lexa stood from the bed to give Clarke and Abby their space and walked over to where Emma was completely immersed in her puzzle. She took a seat next to Emma to see if she wanted any help with her puzzle. To her surprise, it was nearly completed already but she still offered. 

When the little girl very insistently declined help because ‘she’s a big girl’ and ‘really smart’, Lexa opted to take her phone out and send Lincoln a message to see if he could help her get Clarke settled in her house.

“Any chance you could round up a few of the guys and get some stuff out of Clarke’s house for me again? She’s going to be staying with me for now and I want to help her get settled with some of her stuff.” 

It only took a few minutes for her phone to chime with his reply.

“Absolutely. Miller owes me a favor and I can bribe Murphy with beer and food. Do you want me to send O over to help you set that spare room up? Last time I saw that room it was still full of all your granddad’s stuff.”

Lexa sighed when she realized he was right. When Lexa’s grandfather passed he left her the house but she hadn’t really done a lot to change it since she moved in. She’d done some small renovations when the need arose but for the most part she left it as it was. 

She never really had any reason to clear out his old room, no one but her had stayed in the house since she took over the deed.

A lot of it had to do with the fact that she didn’t have the heart to pack up all his belongings, she felt like they belonged in the house. It felt right to know the same worn flannel shirts that she had grown up stealing and wearing because they were extra warm and always smelled like the cigars he smoked still hung in his closet. 

On particularly hard days, Lexa would steal one of the shirts again, dig out one of his cigars from his hidden stash and sit on the front porch smoking one. She never really cared much for the cigars but the familiar smell made her feel at home and at ease.

The second spare room was going to need a good amount of work and she didn’t have a lot of time to get it done. She supposed for tonight Clarke could room with Emma in the smaller room until they could really tackle the other room.

“No, I don’t want to pull her away from Deacon. I can get it done, I probably should have done it a long time ago, now I have a really good reason to.”

Lexa looked away from her phone when Emma pulled on her shirt to get her attention. 

“Look, Lexa, I did it.” 

The puzzle was complete in front of her and Emma sat smiling up at her, so proud of herself for getting it done.

“Oh wow, that’s amazing, Em. You did that really fast. I always knew you were a little genius.” Lexa teased and laughed when Emma’s ears blushed red at the compliment. It didn’t take Lexa long to discover just about every single part of Emma was utterly endearing.

Lexa headed home not long after that, Abby seemed to come around to the idea of Clarke staying with her so she knew it was safe to leave and start getting the house ready. 

She gave Abby instructions on how to get to the house, they had decided it would be easier if Abby drove Clarke and Emma to the house a little later in her rental car.

Lexa wasn’t entirely surprised to see Octavia’s car in her driveway when she pulled in. She knew the girl was eager to do something to help Clarke and after her conversation with Lincoln earlier, Octavia had clearly decided this was a good start.

In the end, Lexa was entirely grateful Octavia had come by. The girl was meticulously neat and organized. Before Lexa could really freak out about everything being moved and packed up, the two girls had all the clothes piled into labeled boxes that Lincoln would be tasked with bringing up to the attic for safe storage. 

After finishing all the clothes, Lexa was taking a break and laying on the bed with her arm propped up on pillow. She was overexerting her injury and it was starting to slow her down. Octavia had tried to get her to take a break ten times before she finally had to submit and give her arm a rest.

As she laid there she couldn’t help but notice just how uncomfortable the old mattress was. There was no way she’d let Clarke sleep on this tonight. 

“How soon do you think I can get a new mattress in here? This thing feels like it was made of ro--cks.” She stuttered as Octavia dove down onto the bed next to her. 

“Shit, this really is awful, I think a spring just punctured my stomach.” Octavia turned onto her back and flopped around until she found a softer spot. “I don’t know that we can get anything today but I bet Lincoln can talk the manager down at Sleepy’s into getting one delivered tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I already resigned myself to the fact that she’d have to sleep in with Emma for the night Maybe I’ll give them my bed to share, it’s a lot bigger than the one in Emma’s room.”

If Octavia noticed Lexa referring to the other spare room as Emma’s, she didn’t comment on it. Lexa couldn’t really find it in herself to care that she already saw it as Emma’s, the little girl had imprinted on her hard.

Octavia is quiet after that, something that unnerves Lexa. She worries that she’s gearing up for a big lecture about this whole situation. Octavia isn’t the quiet type normally so Lexa knew she had to have something big on her mind.

“I want to be there for Clarke but I don’t want to overwhelm her. I just, I just want to be her friend again, don’t you think she could use some friends?”

Lexa looked over at Octavia and frowned when she saw just how much this whole thing was affecting her. Octavia and Lincoln had been her first friends when she moved into town, she knew how lucky a person was to have them in their lives. 

“Clarke would be lucky to have you as her friend again. She could definitely use the support, I just want it to be on her terms. I’ll bring the idea up to her once she’s settled in.”

“Yeah, that works. Just.. Tell her I miss her and that I’m here in whatever capacity she’ll let me be.” Lexa nodded at that and pull Octavia into a hug, her injured arm be damned. She could hear the pain in Octavia’s voice and she couldn’t not to anything.

The rest of the night was spent preparing her house for Clarke and Emma to get there. Octavia had her cleaning parts of the house she didn’t even know existed. But, at the end of the night, when Clarke walked in with a small unsure smile, all of the hard work they did to get it ready was forgotten.

It didn’t matter that she was sweaty, exhausted, and sore in places she hadn’t even experienced pain in before. All that mattered was Clarke and didn’t look completely overwhelmed by the entire situation.

“Welcome home.” Lexa ushered her inside, letting Emma give her a small tour. Emma only knew three of the rooms in the big house so her tour was pretty limited but she did succeed at making her mom feel at ease. Lexa resolved to give her the rest of the tour later, for now she was more than happy to watch Clarke and Emma finally interact outside of the hospital. 

Lexa should have known it would be Emma that made Clarke feel at ease in the unfamiliar environment. The little girl didn’t need her hat to have super powers, she seemed to posses them all on her own.

She knew it wasn’t a permanent solution but Lexa couldn’t ignore how good it felt to have Clarke and Emma bringing some life into her home. There was going to be a long adjustment process but Lexa was more than ready to face it head on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have to say that I absolutely love Lexa in this chapter. She's flawed and unsure and it's probably the most real I've been able to write her yet. Emma continues to be all kinds of adorable. I look forward to making her do these little things like putting herself to bed with Lexa just to see how the other characters react to her big personality.
> 
> Let me know what you think.
> 
> Tumblr: Bradypop


	11. Chapter 11

The pale blue walls of the small office were in desperate need of a thorough cleaning, or even an entire new coat of paint. The paint was chipping in a few spots, practically begging her for repair. She paid too much attention to these things now, she knew that. It had been drilled over and over in her head. 

_Keep the house clean. Fold the clothes right. Empty the trash every day. Put away all of Emma’s toys. Vacuum. Dust. Clean. Clean. Clean. ___

__Finn was always so strict about cleanliness so any imperfection just flashed like a neon sign in her mind. His voice was always there, reminding her that nothing she did was right._ _

__Once again, Clarke worried that his voice would always be there, reminding her that she was a mess up._ _

__The couch she sat on could use to be replaced with something less lumpy and more supportive. The color was a fading yellow that was less than appealing to the eye. It wasn’t comfortable to sit on for any amount of time, let alone the hour she was expected to sit here._ _

__The ticking of the clock that sat on the cluttered desk was slowly driving her insane. It mocked her, all she wanted was for time to speed up so she could leave and be back home with Emma and Lexa. She didn’t know how that home had become such a safe haven for her but it truly was now. She felt more comfortable there that she ever had in her home with Finn._ _

__Clarke wasn’t sure why she had to go through this anyway. She didn’t know why the doctors and her mother insisted this was an important part of her recovery. She was comfortable with Lexa, she felt safe there, she was slowly opening up to her._ _

__She didn’t need to sit in this office for an hour talking to a complete stranger. This wasn’t going to help her, she already knew that._ _

__“Clarke, you can’t go in there thinking you’re going to hate it. Just please give it a try. Sarah comes really highly recommended.” Her mom had lectured when she first found out about the appointments. Abby was trying so hard to be supportive of Clarke but most of it just came across overbearing._ _

__Clarke didn’t understand why anyone thought she’d be comfortable with therapy. She didn’t know why anyone thought she’d benefit from it._ _

__This was her second visit to the office and every time she was here she found more and more things she wanted to rearrange or clean. She couldn’t be sure but that probably wasn’t the reason she was here. Maybe she should just start cleaning, at least then she’d feel like she’s being productive._ _

__Sarah, the therapist, seemed nice enough, Clarke could admit. She was a middle aged woman who supposedly specialized in cases similar to Clarke’s. The woman hadn’t forced her to talk, she asked her a few questions and when Clarke gave her one word answers the questions stopped and the doctor just started to talk to her._ _

__At first Clarke didn’t really even listen, she was so out of her element she just wanted to shut down and run back to Lexa’s house and never come back. She wanted to curse her mother out for telling her this would help her. How could her mother possibly know what was going to help her?_ _

__But as she sat there with literally nothing else to distract her with, Clarke started to listen to the therapist’s story. She heard her own private thoughts and fears coming out of the therapist’s mouth. She heard her own story just with different people and a different time._ _

__“This happened to you?” Clarke found the courage to ask. It seemed impossible to her, she thought she was the only one that knew the drowning feeling she felt whenever she thought about Finn and what he did to her._ _

__“It did. A long time ago. I didn’t know how to heal so I threw myself into school and became a licensed therapist. Over time, I realized the distraction and reaching out to other people to help them was how I healed.”_ _

__“So that’s what I’m supposed to do?”_ _

__“No, I don’t know what you’re supposed to do yet but I think we can try to figure it out together. I know this seems useless but I think over time we can help you figure out the best way to heal yourself. Eveyone is different, everyone handles trauma differently. There is no rule book for how to go about finding your path to healing. That’s why you come to me, we try to figure it out together.”_ _

__Clarke still wasn’t sure what to make of that. She was scared she’d never be able to figure out what was going to make the feelings inside of her disappear. She didn’t believe that this woman could really silence that powerful voice in her head and, in Clarke’s opinion, the woman didn’t believe she could either._ _

__She thought the therapist was supposed to have all the answers but she left the office after that appointment feeling like she was never going to get any better._ _

__Even if Clarke felt like she’d never get better, Lexa knew she would and she knew she’d believe that enough for both of them until Clarke could believe for herself._ _

__A week passes before Lexa’s eyes as Clarke and Emma adjust to their lives in a new home. It was a slow process to get use to living with two other people and she knew Clarke was struggling with adjusting to living without constantly being in fear._ _

__It was impossible for it to all to magically be gone just because they weren’t in that house anymore. But Lexa hoped she could provide enough stability to help Clarke learn to live without fear._ _

__She’d seen the dread in Clarke’s eyes when Emma accidentally dropped a plate to the ground one morning. Lexa thought nothing of it, she just grabbed the broom from where it was kept and started cleaning the pieces up. Emma had been apologetic and Lexa had reassured her that it was okay._ _

__It wasn’t until the mess was clean and thrown out did Lexa see how frightened Clarke was. She was frozen in her seat, her eyes cast down and her hands trembling in her lap. It took her a minute to figure out what had scared Clarke so much but when it all clicked in her head she sent Emma off to the living room to play before kneeling down in front of Clarke._ _

__“Hey, it’s okay. It was just an accident, I’m not mad at all. I promise, it’s okay.” Lexa was aware enough to know Clarke wasn’t going to adjust overnight. She knew this was going to be a long battle for both of them. All she could do in this moment was reassure Clarke as much as she needed to until eventually she believed her._ _

__“He, um... I broke a plate the first time he.. the first time he hit me. I was washing up after dinner and it slipped out of my hand.” Clarke admitted. It was the first time she opened up to Lexa about what had happened to her._ _

__Lexa reached up and took a hold of Clarke’s hands to get them to stop shaking. She didn’t know what the right words were for her to say to make this better for Clarke so she had to settle on reassuring her this way._ _

__“That’s never, ever going to happen to you again.”_ _

__Lexa hated to admit to herself that she couldn’t possibly have the words to make this all go away. They just didn’t exist. She just had to settle on providing as much reassurance as she possibly could._ _

__Things were different after Clarke’s confession that morning. Her guard had lowered just slightly giving her the chance to open up about details of her past more and more._ _

__It was with small little details that Clarke started to reveal the torment she had gone through. Lexa listened quietly, never pressing for more or commenting further than to reassure Clarke that she’d never have to face any of that again._ _

__As Clarke started to open up to Lexa, her constant state of fear started to ease up. She didn’t jump every time she heard a loud noise anymore but she was still so far away from feeling comfortable._ _

__Emma, on the other hand, had made herself at home in Lexa’s house. Her toys were spread throughout the living room and her room slowly started to fit her big personality. Lexa would pick up a few little things here and there that she thought Emma would like to have in her room._ _

__Lexa loved seeing Emma get comfortable, she knew the more comfortable Emma was, the more comfortable Clarke would get._ _

__It had always been abundantly clear to Lexa that Emma’s happiness was the key to get to Clarke’s happiness. Clarke had almost lost her life defending her daughter, Lexa knew their connection was so intense and solid._ _

__Lexa inwardly cursed her not so brilliant idea to buy Emma Lego’s when she managed to step on one as she passed through the living room after they got home from Clarke’s therapy appointment. It took everything in her to not swear as she rubbed the sore spot on her foot._ _

__She really, really needed to figure out how to say no to Emma._ _

__Lexa slipped onto the couch next to Emma and stuck her tongue out at her when she heard the little girl laugh at her predicament. She sat back on the couch and adjusted the sling on her arm, annoyed with it for existing and impeding her ability to do even the most simple of things._ _

__She had gotten her arm taken care of a few days ago at Clarke and Abby’s insistence. She had wanted to put it off until Clarke had healed more but she couldn’t handle both Clarke and Abby ganging up on her._ _

__Apparently she couldn’t say no to Clarke yet either._ _

__Thankfully it had been a quick procedure, she was in an out of the hospital the same day and only mildly more sore than she was before. When the doctor tried to hand her a prescription for strong pain meds, Lexa handed it right back. She didn’t need to be incapacitated by anything right now._ _

__The worst part about the whole thing was the sling she was stuck wearing for two weeks. Between her and Clarke they only had two fully working arms and that made taking care of Emma quite interesting._ _

__Clarke was seated on the other side of Emma, absentmindedly watching whatever was on the TV. Lexa found Clarke doing that often, zoning out when they all sat there watching TV. She wanted to ask what was on her mind, she wanted to get Clarke to talk to her about it, but she was still figuring out the right balance between being overbearing and being absent._ _

__Most of the time she felt like she stepped over the line towards overbearing but Clarke hadn’t reacted negatively so she didn’t change._ _

__“I think maybe we should invite Octavia over for dinner tonight.” Clarke had spoken so quietly Lexa was certain she had heard her wrong._ _

__Lexa had brought the topic up a few days ago and Clarke hadn’t really had much of a reaction to it so she let it go and let Clarke decide when she was ready to make a decision about it. She wasn’t really expecting that to happen this soon._ _

__Part of Lexa was worried Clarke was trying to force herself to adjust to too much too fast but she was no expert on the subject. She followed Clarke’s lead and let her dictate the pace of what they did and when._ _

__If Clarke was ready for something, then Lexa was ready to support her through it._ _

__“Are you sure?” Lexa wanted Clarke to be completely sure this was what she wanted, she didn’t want her to get into a situation that made things worse for her._ _

__“I’ve always regretted how things ended. O didn’t deserve that.” Lexa didn’t hear anything that convinced her Clarke was really ready for this._ _

__“It’s not really about what she deserves, it’s about what you’re ready for. Octavia can be patient. I mean, she’s usually pretty awful at it, which I’m sure you know, but she can be now.”_ _

__Clarke nodded with a small smile at the mention of Octavia’s impatience. She had seen it plenty when they were growing up. Octavia was always the kid that blew out their birthday candles before Happy Birthday was over so she could eat her cake that much sooner._ _

__“I want to invite her over for dinner. I’m comfortable here, I’m safe with you. This would be the perfect situation to do that. I know Octavia is harmless so as long as you promise to not leave, I’ll be good.”_ _

__“Well I promise no matter what I won’t be leaving. And I will make sure Octavia is on her best behavior.”_ _

__So Lexa sent the text to Octavia inviting her over for dinner. The amount of exclamation points she got in reply was impressive if not slightly concerning. She relayed that Octavia needed to act normal and not jump on Clarke as soon as she saw._ _

__With Octavia’s reassurance that she’d behave and not scare Clarke off, Lexa turned her focus to what they were going to cook._ _

__“So between the two of us we should be able to manage throwing dinner together. I probably have the ingredients to make mac and cheese, how does that sound?”_ _

__Lexa had noticed over the short Clarke had lived there that she didn’t eat very much. Lexa grew up with her mother practically shoving food down her throat if she didn’t eat what her mom deemed was enough so it was pretty foreign to her to see Clarke barely eat a small portion of food._ _

__She wanted to bring it up, she wanted to know if Finn had restricted how much Clarke had been allowed to eat, but she had to force herself not to push. Instead, she let Clarke be and hoped over time without Finn’s oppressive presence she’d be able to start eating more._ _

__Lexa had hoped that having Clarke help her make decisions about what they were going to eat would help her identify what foods Clarke liked. She figured if she could find what she liked and cook that, Clarke would be more inclined to eat._ _

__She hadn’t had a lot of luck with it yet but she was nothing if not patient._ _

__“Emma loves mac and cheese.” Lexa looked down at Emma to see if that was true._ _

__“Do you want to know a secret about my mac and cheese?” When Emma nodded Lexa continued. “I use really fun shapes for the macaroni. Do you think you and your mommy can help me pick out the shapes for tonight?”_ _

__“Yeah!” Emma nodded and shimmied down from the couch before pulling on both of their hands to get them up and into the kitchen._ _

__“It’s still a little early to cook, but you can definitely pick out the macaroni now. I’ll show you where it is.” Lexa walked over to the pantry and pulled out all the boxes she could carry with one arm. Eventually all the boxes were piled up on the table and Emma meticulously searched them over._ _

__“Mommy really likes stars, do you have stars?”_ _

__Lexa thought about it for a second before looking the boxes over. She found a box of star shaped macaroni and placed it down in front of Emma._ _

__“Look mommy, we gonna have stars for dinner tonight.”_ _

__Clarke took a seat next to Emma and smiled at her enthusiasm._ _

__“Stars are my favorite, baby, are you sure you don’t want to pick your favorite? I see smiley faces in there.” Clarke pointed out the box of smiley face macaroni but Emma shook her head resolutely._ _

__“We always do what I want, we should do something for you, mommy.”_ _

__Clarke was struck silent by that. She felt so overwhelmed with love for Emma she just needed a minute to collect herself so she didn’t burst into tears._ _

__Lexa noticed her predicament and enlisted Emma to help her put all the boxes back to give Clarke a minute to herself. Emma nodded at the request but leaned up and gave Clarke a kiss before she complied._ _

__Lexa kept an eye on Clarke to make sure she was okay but she relaxed when Clarke broke out in a big smile at her daughter’s actions. She stood by the fact that she’d do pretty much anything to get to see that smile, it brought her so much joy._ _

__As the afternoon passed, Lexa could see Clarke getting more and more anxious as it got closer to the time Octavia was due to arrive. She did everything she could to distract Clarke but there was only so much she could do without being ridiculous._ _

__Not that she hadn’t tried being ridiculous, it just didn’t work. Turns out, Clarke wasn’t all that amused by Lexa’s theories on deep sea creatures._ _

__She even offered to cancel with Octavia but Clarke had shaken that off as well._ _

__“I’m okay. It’s more nerves than anything else. I’m nervous that she’s going to change her mind when she sees how messed up I am.”_ _

__Lexa put the spoon she was using to stir her cheese sauce down and turned to look at Clarke, making sure she had her full attention._ _

__“You’re not messed up at all, please don’t ever think you are. What you went through was awful and traumatic and no one is going to come out of that without some scars but that does not mean you’re messed up. He’s the messed up one, he’s the one that thought it was okay, he’s the..” Lexa trailed off when she felt herself getting worked up._ _

__It wasn’t often that she let herself think about Finn and what he did, she mostly just focused her attention on helping Clarke heal. But when she did get the chance to really think about what happened she felt like finding Finn and hurting him all over again._ _

__Lexa jumped slightly when she felt Clarke place her hand on top of hers on the counter. She shook the memories and thoughts from her head and took a deep breath._ _

__“I’m sorry. I just.. You’re not messed up. Please don’t think that about yourself.”_ _

__Clarke could see the sincerity in Lexa’s eyes, she could see how much she truly believed what she was saying and it affected her deeply. Lexa’s strong conviction made it seem possible for Clarke to believe it as well._ _

__“I don’t really know what I did to deserve someone like you coming into my life and making everything feel better but thank you. I wish I had something stronger to say, something more resolute to fit the emotions I have but all I have is thank you.”_ _

__Lexa shrugged, not wanting Clarke to thank her._ _

__“You don’t have to thank me. The only thing I need now is for you to be okay, you keep working on that and I’ll keep helping you, okay?” Clarke nodded and gave her hand a squeeze before she stepped back so Lexa could return to cooking._ _

__When the doorbell rang announcing Octavia’s arrival, Lexa hurried to answer it before Clarke could really start to panic. She hugged Octavia and ushered her in, taking the car seat from her before she could really step inside._ _

__Clarke stayed in the entryway to the living room, watching Lexa fuss over the baby she assumed to be Octavia’s. Her attention was drawn away from the adorable sight when she heard Octavia let out a small gasp when she set her eyes on Clarke. No amount of warnings from Lexa would prepare her for how Clarke looked._ _

__“Clarke..” Octavia stepped forward slowly, not wanting to alarm Clarke but really wanting to hug her._ _

__“Hey O.” Clarke stepped away from the entryway and let Octavia wrap her up in a hug._ _

__Both girls had tears in their eyes as they held onto each other. Neither really knew what to say to explain the last ten years but in that moment, none of that mattered. In that moment they were little girls again, hugging their best friend and promising they’d be friends forever._ _

__Emma came into the room when she heard the doorbell. She stood back slightly, confused by the new person that was hugging her mom. She grew worried when she saw her mom start to cry._ _

__“Mommy, who’s that?” Emma approached Clarke and hugged her leg, resting her head against her thigh and looking up at Octavia._ _

__Clarke pulled back and tried to subtly wipe the tears from her eyes. Octavia was in the same boat, she wiped tears from her own eyes before smiling down at Emma._ _

__“This is Octavia, she was my best friend when I was growing up.”_ _

__Emma seemed a little uncertain but if her mom could trust her, she could trust her. Octavia knelt down in front of Emma and held up her hand for Emma to shake her hand._ _

__“My name can be a little hard to say but you can call me O if you’d like. Your mommy use to call me that all the time.” Emma looked up at Clarke who gave her a reassuring smile and a little push forward so she could meet Octavia properly._ _

__“I’m Emma, I’m this many.” Emma held up three fingers making all three adults smile. “Are you gonna eat dinner? I picked out the mac’roni.”_ _

__“Well I’d like to but I heard I needed to get your approval before I could. So, what do you think, do you think I can eat with you guys?”_ _

__Emma thought it over for a second, even bringing her finger up to her chin like she’d seen Clarke do when she was thinking about something. Lexa was silently thankful Emma could put a smile on all of their faces despite the tension that had developed._ _

__“Yeah, you can eat with us but I get to sit between mommy and Lexa.”_ _

__“Well thank you very much. I was really hungry, I was hoping I’d be allowed to eat. I promise I wouldn’t even dream of taking your seat.”_ _

__“Good because dinner’s all ready, everyone can sit.” Clarke immediately moved to start helping plate up the food but Lexa shooed her out of the kitchen. “Uh, uh, I’m doing all the work tonight. You should go sit and catch up with Octavia, you’ve got a lot of years to make up for.”_ _

__Clarke felt strange not being in the kitchen while dinner was being prepared. Her job had always been to cook, serve, and clean every meal. It didn’t even matter if she was sick to the point she could barely stand, she was still expected to get dinner ready for Finn._ _

__She didn’t even remembered a time when that wasn’t the case._ _

__Since she started staying with Lexa that role had changed and it was really hard to wrap her head around. It was hard to let go of the giant part of her that was so finely trained to do everything Finn asked of her without a second thought. She almost felt lost, like she didn’t know what to do with herself now that no one was telling her what to do._ _

__Lexa never made her serve her, she never made her feel like it was her job to make sure everything was perfect. If she cooked dinner, Lexa insisted that she could clean everything up._ _

__Lexa made her feel like she was more than just a servant. Clarke just wished she could figure out who she was without all of those expectations on her now._ _

__After dinner they were all gathered in the living room sitting in a big circle on the floor, Clarke with pillows to help cushion her injuries, playing a super competitive game of Chutes and Ladders. There was board game boxes spread out throughout the floor around them but no one seemed to care much about the mess._ _

__Lexa was fairly certain if Emma’s intelligence was measured, she’d be right up there with kids twice her age. At least, that’s what she told herself to feel better when Emma beat all of the adults at the third game of Chutes and Ladders in a row._ _

__She wasn’t sure if Clarke was letting her win, but Lexa knew she and Octavia sure as hell weren’t trying to lose. Maybe she shouldn’t admit to that, though._ _

__Emma had deemed it was going to be game night as they were all sitting around the too big table in Lexa’s dining room eating. It seemed Clarke had just as much issue saying no to Emma as Lexa did because, despite the fact that Lexa could tell Clarke wasn’t feeling one hundred percent, she still agreed to play games with her once dinner was over._ _

__The whole dinner and reunion had drained her but she still wouldn’t disappoint Emma. Lexa was already figuring out a way to get Clarke excused so she could head to bed for the night without disappointing Emma. She could see she was putting up a good fight against her exhaustion and Lexa wanted to do something to help her._ _

__Emma wouldn’t last much longer either way, she was already up considerably past her bedtime. Deacon had long since been laid down on Lexa’s bed with pillows all around him to sleep for the night._ _

__When the doorbell sounded throughout the house Lexa glanced at the clock, curious as to who would be showing up at nine at night. She kept her calm outwardly, knowing if she appeared uncertain or worried Clarke would feed off that and get scared._ _

__“I’ll get it, probably some of the kids next door again. They like to play pranks. Last time it was a flaming bag of dog.. poop”_ _

__When she opened the door and saw Lincoln on the other side in full uniform and his cruiser parked by the street, she started to get a little worried. If this had been a personal stop he would have just texted Octavia or her to let her know he was coming. No, this was business and it scared the shit out of Lexa._ _

__She stepped out on the porch and closed the door tight behind her, opting to have the conversation outside of earshot of anyone else. The pit in her stomach only grew when she saw the somber expression on his face._ _

__“What happened?” She didn’t want to go through all the small talk to get to the reason he was there, she wanted to just hear it._ _

__“He’s out on bail.”_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now is probably a bad time to let you guys know that I'll be away on a little vacation for the next week. I'll still be able to write but I won't be able to post until I get back. 
> 
> Let me know what you thought about the chapter. Clarke was really starting to make some steps towards healing, will this ruin all her progress?
> 
> Head on over to my Tumblr (bradypop) and vote in a poll I posted. You can help decide which scene you want to see in an upcoming chapter.


	12. Chapter 12

Lexa didn’t like to think of herself as a violent person, despite her occupation. She liked to think that she had a knack for finding non-violent solutions to situations that some would automatically jump to violence over. 

It wasn’t to say that she couldn’t defend herself when need be, she’d taken down guys twice her size without breaking a sweat plenty of times before, she just preferred to not have to.

Like the night she was called down to Lucky’s to break up a fight between two guys who got into it over a game of pool gone wrong. They were both easily heads above her and throwing punches without really paying attention to what they were destroying in their way. When one of them picked up a barstool to use as a weapon Lexa knew she needed to intervene before someone ended up in the hospital.

Pretty much any other deputy her size would have gotten their baton or taser out to subdue them but Lexa was too quick on her feet for such a violent response. She grabbed a pitcher of ice water from Bellamy behind the bar and threw it on them, shocking them enough to give her the chance to get them down and into handcuffs.

She had to admit it was pretty damn funny to watch two fully grown men throw hissy fits because she soaked them with water.

But all she felt right now, all that consumed her every thought, was finding Finn and taking care of him before he could do anything to scare Clarke again. They’d made too much progress for Finn to come back in now and ruin everything.

Clarke had finally started to make progress, she was finally adjusting to her new reality away from Finn, and now that could all be ruined.

Lexa was starting to consider that maybe she had gone deaf in the last five seconds, that was the only reasonable explanation. There was no way she had heard Lincoln right, Finn couldn’t possibly be out on bail. He had four felony charges against him, one of them being attempted murder of a police officer. 

Lexa had originally feared that Finn would be released on bail but everyone had reassured her it would be next to impossible.

Kane had assured her over and over that he had it handled, that Finn would never be able to get bail. 

The DA had explained the whole process, he had reassured that people with charges like Finn's didn't get bail.

Lexa moved to sit on the porch steps, needing to find a way to ground herself as she listened to the worst case scenario coming to life. She had no idea how next to impossible had become possible.

“How is that even possible? Who fucked up?"

Lexa had to assume someone had fucked something up royally, that could be the only explanation.

“His lawyer argued that it was his first offense and the judge agreed. He argued that you didn't announce your presence and just busted into the house, Finn’s actions were apparently self defense. He’s out of jail until the trial, but he’s on house arrest, if that makes anything better.” Lincoln explained. “His parents showed up yesterday with this big shot lawyer, Kane’s worried the county DA is going to be in over his head.”

Lexa wanted to scream, there was no way Finn was going to get away with what he did just because his parents were throwing their money around. She wasn't going to stand for it. If she had to track him down and finish what she started, she would.

“Defending himself? Are you kidding me? Clarke was upstairs almost dead and he came at me with a broken bottle. He was charged with attempted murder on me and Clarke. She went on record stating he had been abusing her for years and they just fucking let him out on house arrest? No, that doesn’t make me feel any better. Do you have any idea how Clarke is going to handle that news?”

Lincoln took a seat next to her and let out a sigh. He knew it was the last thing any of them should have to deal with. Clarke deserved a break and now she would live in fear until he was back in jail again.

“Not well, I know. Kane sent me here to sit on your house for the night. We’re all going to take shifts keeping an eye on things. It’s not perfect but we were hoping it would be enough to give her some peace of mind.”

Lexa shook her head. Of course it wasn’t enough. Nothing would be enough with Finn free when he should be rotting away in jail.

“Kane should be sitting on the house himself, he promised me he would take care of this. He took me off the case because it was too big for me now. Clearly, it was too big for him, too.” 

“Kane’s still at the station with the DA going over everything again. They weren't expecting him to argue self defense, it really throws a wrench into everything. They're doing everything they can to fix this.” 

Lexa’s thoughts immediately went to Clarke, she had no idea if it was a good idea to tell her about this tonight. She was already exhausted and sore, maybe it would best to wait to have that particular conversation in the morning. 

Or not at all, that seemed like the best option.

“I’ll be right outside if you need anything, okay?” Lexa nodded, immensely appreciative of Lincoln in that moment. She knew the last thing he would want to do would be to sit up all night and watch her house but he was still going to do it for her.

“Thank you. I’ll make sure O stops by to say goodnight before she heads home.” Lincoln nodded and wrapped his arm around Lexa in a hug. “We won’t let anything else happen to them.”

Lexa took a few more minutes to sit there on the porch despite the chill in the air. Lincoln had returned to his cruiser to get out of the cold but Lexa felt like she needed a minute to collect herself. She needed to clear her head and get control of her emotions. She couldn’t go back in there angry and hell bent on finding Finn and tearing him down, she needed to be strong and collected to put Clarke and Emma at ease.

When she walked back in Octavia was the only one left in the living room and Lexa couldn't help but feel relieved. Maybe she could avoid telling Clarke tonight if she had already gone to bed. Octavia was packing up all the games and stacking the boxes to be put away.

“Hey, Clarke went to put Emma down for the night then I think she was going to pass out after. She looked exhausted.”

“Yeah.” Lexa answered absentmindedly, making Octavia look up at her.

“What’s going on?” Octavia could see the anger on Lexa’s face despite how hard she was trying to hide it. 

Lexa knelt down with Octavia to help her clean the mess up, hoping she could distract her mind enough to calm it down.

“Finn’s out on bail.” She answered not going into any details. She’d just get worked up again if she had to explain it. Thankfully, Octavia seemed to know better than to press for details.

Octavia sat back on her legs and took a deep breath. She understood how big of a deal this was. She knew this was going to be a huge blow to Clarke's progress and mindset.

“So then we make sure Clarke is never alone. If you have to go out for something either Lincoln or I will be here with her. If he tries to show up here we'll be ready for him.”

“I really appreciate that. Lincoln is going to sit on the house overnight, he said the guys would all take turns staying outside. I don’t know it any of it is going to make Clarke feel better about it, though. I just… It’s not fair, she’s finally starting to feel relaxed and now this is going to get thrown at her. How can anyone expect her to heal properly from this chaos if he's still out there creating more.”

Lexa took a seat on her butt and rubbed her hand over her eyes, her frustration and anger building again. 

“What’s wrong?” Lexa jumped slightly when she heard Clarke’s voice from the doorway. She had thought Clarke had gone to bed for the night and she was thankful for that. This wasn’t something she wanted to try tackling tonight but apparently she wasn't going to get that lucky.

Her first instinct was to make something up so she didn’t have to tell Clarke tonight but the last thing she wanted to do was lose Clarke’s trust by lying to her. 

“Come sit with us.” Lexa moved to sit on the couch and pat the spot next to her for Clarke. This really wasn't a stand up type of conversation, she didn't have the ability to catch Clarke if the woman fainted at the news.

Clarke’s eyes flickered between Lexa and Octavia. She grew more and more worried as she observed how angry they both looked. Slowly she made her way over to the couch and took a seat on the edge. She felt like they were going to yell at her, she didn’t know what for but the air was just so tense and uneasy. Her mind was trained to believe she was in trouble when things got this tense.

“Did I do something wrong?” Clarke asked in a timid voice, her eyes still flickering between the two, trying to decide if she should be legitimately worried like they appeared to be.

“No, not at all. Neither of us are upset with you.” Lexa reassured and reached out to take Clarke’s hand. The extra support wouldn’t be a bad thing as they explained everything to her. It didn’t escape Clarke’s notice that Lexa insinuated they were still upset even if it wasn't at her. 

Octavia moved a little closer to offer her silent support. She didn't want to crowd Clarke too much so she remained on the floor in front of the couch.

“That was Lincoln at the door. He came to tell me that Finn’s bail hearing didn’t go the way we thought it would. His parents showed up and brought some big hotshot lawyer that was able to get him released on bail. He’s on house arrest until the trial and there’s going to be a deputy posted outside the house at all times. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear but I promise you that you’re still safe here. ”

Clarke’s hand had started to shake as what Lexa was telling her set in. She shook her head back and forth as panic started to take hold. This couldn't be happening, this wasn't possible. This was a nightmare, she just needed to wake up.

It started to get harder to breathe as pressure started to accumulate on her chest. Lexa's voice was suddenly muted around her, Clarke couldn’t seem to hear exactly what was being said. It was all just too much to handle.

Clarke’s vision grew more fuzzy as she sat there struggling to breathe, a panic attack hitting her hard. She felt so stupid for ever believing she was safe, she’d never be safe again. She’d never be away from Finn.

He always warned her that she’d never be allowed to leave him. He warned that he would always find her, that she belonged to him and she could never get away. She was nothing without him. 

_No one else could ever want your pathetic ass. Your fat, your ugly, your dumb, no one else could ever put up with your shit. You'd be nothing without me. You're lucky I'm patient enough to deal with your shit. You're never leaving me. If you try to leave I'll find you and I'll kill you._

Finn was going to find her now, he was going to take her away from Lexa. He was going to hurt Lexa again, probably even worse now. He was going to find Emma and take her away, too.

Clarke needed to run, she needed to go somewhere Finn would never find her. Maybe she should go to Tulsa with her mom, that would be far enough. 

“Clarke, please, look at me. Please try and follow my breathing. I’m going to protect you, I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. I promised you before and I will always stand by it.” Lexa tried her best to get through to Clarke. She had seen the panic attack coming but she was powerless to stop it. 

She didn’t know what else she could do to help Clarke come back to reality and it was terrifying. Lexa knew this was a panic attack, she just didn't know how to fix it.

Lexa did not handle not knowing how to do things well.

“Clarke, listen to my voice. I promise everything is going to be okay, I won’t let anything happen to you or Emma. Follow my breathing.” Lexa took Clarke’s hand and placed her against her chest so Clarke could feel every breath she took. 

It took another few painful minutes but eventually Clarke’s breathing started to slow back to normal.

“That’s it, it’s going to be okay. Just keep breathing for me.” Lexa left Clarke’s hand on her chest, knowing she could easily fall back into another panic attack. She hoped that the contact could help ground Clarke more.

“I need to go… I need to go somewhere he can’t find me. He’s going to find me. He’ll hurt you again and take Emma away. I need to just go.”

Lexa shook her head as Clarke talked, she was never going to let that happen. 

“You’re safe here, Clarke. I’m a cop, I’m more than capable of handling him again if he’s stupid enough to come back. I’m going to protect you and Emma just like I promised I would. Please, please trust me.”

Lexa didn’t care that she sounded like she was begging and pleading, she’d do whatever she needed to do to make Clarke feel safe again.

“He won’t stop. He said I could never leave him. He’d kill me if I tried.” Clarke pulled her hand back and stood up, stumbling slightly when she was hit with lightheadedness from the panic attack. She caught herself against the wall and tried to plan the best way to get away.

“Clarke, please trust me. I will do whatever it takes to keep you safe. He is never going to hurt you again, I won’t let him. If I thought you weren’t safe here I’d leave with you.” Lexa stood up and approached Clarke again, not touching her this time. She could distinguish the fear and pain in Clarke’s eyes, she didn’t want to scare her more by touching her.

“Please trust me.”

Clarke looked into Lexa’s eyes and saw nothing but honesty and passion, she could see that Lexa really believed everything she said.

“He nearly killed you last time..” Clarke had yet to really deal with the guilt that came from that but it was always there simmering under the surface.

“He failed. And he’ll fail again. I brought you into my home because I was confident I could keep you safe and make you feel at home here. I still believe I can do that.”

Clarke was still concerned and scared and too many other emotions rolled into her already exhausted body and mind but for tonight, she could let herself believe Lexa’s words. 

“I trust you.” Clarke admitted quietly. She didn’t have it in her to do anything else but trust Lexa. She knew the girl had never given her any reason to not trust her so she’d go against the voice screaming in her head and continue trusting her.

Lexa nodded and offered to walk Clarke to bed knowing she was beyond exhausted. Nothing more could be said tonight that would make any difference, the best thing any of them could do right now is get some sleep.

Clarke accepted the offer and let Lexa lead them down the hall. Lexa took a seat on the new mattress she had bought for Clarke’s room while the girl disappeared into the bathroom to get changed. 

Lexa looked around the room while she waited. She had offered to get whatever Clarke wanted to make the room feel more like home but Clarke had insisted that it was fine just the way it was. Lexa knew she was just being polite, the room was dreadfully plain with no personality or real signs of life.

Maybe she could start doing the same thing for this room that she had done for Emma’s. The little girl seemed to really appreciate all the new additions that added personality to her room, she figured Clarke would enjoy her doing the same to this room.

Clarke came out of the bathroom after a few minutes in a pair of flannel pants that were too big on her and dragged over her feet and a long sleeve thermal that Lexa recognized as her own. Lexa had seen all the clothes the guys had managed to get out of Clarke’s house and knew she’d need more. Until she could buy more Lexa had been adding some clothes of her own to Clarke’s dresser.

If Clarke was offended by the action, she never said anything.

Lexa couldn't help but feel something warm and bright deep inside her when she saw Clarke wearing her clothes but she opted to keep that bit of information to herself. There was no need to scare Clarke with her potentially weird feelings.

Clarke took a seat next to Lexa and tried to rid herself of the tension she felt in her entire body. Despite being exhausted Clarke felt like she'd never be able to find sleep tonight.

“Why does it feel like every time I take one step forward I get sent back on my ass so hard?” 

Lexa stared straight ahead and shrugged. 

“You’ve been through a lot, roadblocks are expected.”

Lexa knew the answer seemed like a cop out. It wasn’t going to do anything to reassure Clarke that things were going to be okay. She mentally kicked herself for the it. 

“But you just have to trust that things are going to be okay in the end. Whatever road blocks and issues you encounter we’ll get through them.”

Something about what Lexa said struck a cord with Clarke. She still couldn’t really understand why Lexa was doing so much for her. They’d only known each other a short time and Lexa was under no obligation to protect her now that she wasn’t on the case anymore.

But Lexa stayed by her side. Lexa continued to do anything and everything she could to make Clarke feel safe in her home. Lexa was there when Clarke felt like she couldn’t handle anymore. Lexa was quiet and reassuring and strong. 

Lexa was the reinforcement she desperately needed. She just had no idea why this woman was so willing to upturn her entire life for and Emma.

Clarke was certain she'd never be able to repay Lexa for everything she'd done for her but she'd spend forever trying to repay her debt.

“Why are you helping me? I was just another case that you caught, why have you done so much for me and Emma?”

“No, Clarke, you’ve never just been another case. You’ve always been so much more than that. I’m helping you because I care about you and Emma. You and Emma, you clung to something in my heart and I’d be pretty stupid to ignore that. I've never seen you as just another case.”

Clarke didn’t know how to reply to that. Every time she thought she had Lexa figured out, she went and said something like that and knocked Clarke off her feet again.

Lexa seemingly sensed Clarke’s loss of words and took that as her opportunity to say goodnight and leave so Clarke could get some much needed rest. She knew her confession was personal and intense so she didn't want to push Clarke into replying.

Lexa reached over and gave Clarke’s shoulder a squeeze before standing.

“Get some sleep and no worrying tonight, I’m right in the room next door. I won't let anything happen to you. Sweet dreams, Clarke.” Lexa waited a few seconds to make sure Clarke was okay with her leaving. When Clarke offered her a small smile and a quiet ‘good night’ Lexa took her leave.

Lexa rested against the wall right outside Clarke’s door, her heart racing for some unknown reason. She didn’t really know what had caused the spike in nerves she was currently feeling but it was really throwing her off. She found herself feeling this way more and more around Clarke.

The night ended up being incredibly long and sleepless for all of the inhabitants of Lexa’s house. Octavia had opted to stay the night hoping her presence would give Clarke a little more peace of mind. It didn't hurt that she also knew her husband was outside. 

Lexa had already known she wasn’t going to sleep well, she was way too hyped up with the knowledge that Finn was out there somewhere. She wasn’t stupid, she knew he was going to try something. She knew he was going to come after Clarke and the worry that caused kept her awake.

The biggest issue she faced now was knowing when his attempt was going to come. The trial was still weeks away, that left a lot of time for him to plan out and seek his revenge. 

Whenever it came, however it came, Lexa vowed to be ready. She wasn't going to let Clarke down. She didn't care that she was still recovering herself, she was going to be ready.

She had no idea everyone else seemed to be in the same predicament until a loud cry broke the tense silence that pervaded the house. Lexa was up and out of her bed instantly. She grabbed her gun from the locked safe in her closet and ran down the hall to Emma’s room only to find both Octavia and Clarke already there. 

Clarke was lying in bed with a visible upset Emma resting on her chest. Lexa's eyes immediately searched the room for whatever had upset the girl so badly but her answer came a few seconds later from Clarke.

“It’s okay, baby girl, it was just a dream. Mommy’s got you.”

As soon as Lexa realized it was just a nightmare that had woken Emma up and not something else she returned the gun to her safe and locked it again. She knew Clarke wasn't comfortable with the idea of her having a gun in the house so she always kept it locked up in a safe that was too high for Emma to be able to reach. 

Given what she knew about Finn, she felt much more comfortable having her gun in the house. It was legally kept in her safe, she had all the permits and licenses to have it in her home, and she slept a lot better at night knowing the added protection was always available to her.

She debated whether or not she should return to Emma’s room to make sure she was okay or to just let Clarke handle it. It wasn’t that she doubted Clarke was capable, there was no one more capable, she just felt like it was the right thing to do.

After debating it with herself Lexa decided to head back down to Emma’s room, mostly to put her own mind at ease. The little girl’s cries had been really painful to hear. She hung back in the doorway, noticing that Octavia had gone back to the couch. 

Emma caught sight of Lexa standing there and held up her hand for Lexa to come over to the bed with them. She didn’t mind that she couldn’t tell Emma no this time, it felt good that she was wanted in this situation.

Lexa knelt down next to the bed and ran her hand over Emma’s back as Clarke calmly told her a sung to her to help put her back to sleep. Her sobs from earlier had turned into small little hiccups that eventually faded into little snores as she drifted back to sleep. Clarke's song faded off and she looked over at Lexa with a small smile.

“Thank you.” Clarke whispered to Lexa once Emma had drifted off.

“No need to thank me. Are you going to stay with her tonight?” When Clarke nodded Lexa stood back up. “Let’s get her into your bed with you then. This one is too small for both of you.”

Clarke let Lexa lift Emma from her chest, giving her as much help as she could because Lexa was still lifting her with only one arm. Once Emma was safely tucked against her chest, Lexa headed down the hall to Clarke’s room. She carefully laid her down on the bed and stayed next to her until Clarke laid down next to her and pulled her back into her arms.

“Try to get some sleep.” Lexa turned the light back off and went to leave the room again.

“Lexa?” Lexa turned back when Clarke called her name. There was enough light in the room to make out the reservation on Clarke’s face. She could tell she wanted to say something but it didn’t seem like she could find the right words. Eventually she spoke again. “Sweet dreams.”

Lexa didn’t know why, but something in her was certain that wasn’t what Clarke was trying to say to her.

"Sweet dreams, Clarke."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience while I was away. I should be back to my regular updating schedule for here on out. 
> 
> Comment to let me know what you think.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Check out the cover art by the amazing Turtleduckie I posted over on my Tumblr @bradypop.

Lexa never considered her house to be vibrant or happy. Most of the time she felt pretty lonely with the big house all to herself. She considered getting a dog or a cat to have something else living in the house but she never had pulled the trigger on actually getting one. For now she was content to shrug the loneliness off and think about what might come one day in the future.

She didn’t usually like to think with the mentality of ‘one day’ very often, but sometimes she couldn’t help but feel like it was the only thing getting her through the monotony of her life prior to Clarke entering it.

It was a blessing she even had the house in the first place, she knew that. Her grandfather didn't need to leave it to her, he had plenty of other grandchildren but none were as close to him as Lexa was. 

Lexa spent practically every summer here with her grandfather, her grandmother long since passed. It always felt like home to her, she knew the walls of this home better than her own. But when her grandfather passed away, the house stopped feeling like home. 

The house didn't start to feel like a home again until Clarke and Emma had moved in and breathed a new life into it. Lexa hadn't felt so at home and comfortable there since her grandfather had been alive and she was growing to love it. But the news about Finn had come along and sucked all that life right back out of her house. 

Things were different for Clarke and Lexa now that the knowledge that Finn was out of jail hung over their heads. It was slowly suffocating the happiness that had been building in the home. It felt like the more time that passed, the more closed off Clarke was getting, despite Lexa's best effort to stop that from happening. 

Clarke wasn't as open and forthcoming and the same uncomfortable tension from before had returned leaving the girls looking over their shoulders constantly. 

Days passed with no issues and Lexa worried it was a tactic Finn was trying out. He didn't need to worry about trying to attack them when he was slowly driving them insane with constantly worrying about him showing up. The cruiser that had been stationed outside her house at all hours now started to show up more scarcely. 

No new news had come from Kane or the DA, they still both reassured her that things were under control but Lexa had lost trust in their abilities. For now, all she could do was trust the justice system wasn’t completely corrupt. 

Lexa did everything she could to distract Clarke but it all just felt useless, the girl couldn't help but feel like she was seconds away from being trapped by Finn all over again. His presence was weighing her down despite the fact that no one had seen him since he was released. 

Even Emma could sense the tension in the air. At first she remained her normal happy go lucky self but as days passed the little girl got more and more quiet. She could see her mom slowly slipping away from her and it clearly affected her deeply.

Lexa wanted to find a way to change that, she wanted Emma to bring her happiness and joy into the house again. She knew no one could make a difference for Clarke the way Emma could. 

Lexa just had to figure out how to make that happen.

She had tried more game nights but they ended early and Emma never really got into them. She tried offering to take Emma to the park to see the ducks again, the weather really was getting better, but Clarke had shaken her head at the offer and held Emma closer. It didn't escape Lexa's notice that Clarke hadn't set foot outside the house since the news broke and she was determined to change that. 

She saw her best opportunity present itself about a week and a half after Finn had been released. Emma was down for a nap and Clarke was in the kitchen, baking something that smelled really delicious to Lexa's nose. 

Lexa very quickly found one of the biggest upsides to her new housemates had been Clarke's penchant for baking. Lexa had made it perfectly clear that she did not expect or need Clarke to bake for them but Clarke promised it was something she actually enjoyed and it helped to keep her mind busy. Lexa couldn't deny that the girl seemed to be comfortable in the kitchen now that she wasn't forced to be there. 

The extra pounds all the baked goods seemed to add onto Lexa’s waistline went ignored for now. They were worth it for the delicious food Clarke kept making.

“I have an idea I want to run by you. Feel free to say no if it's not something you're interested in.” Lexa took a seat at the kitchen table so she was out of Clarke's way but still able to talk to her. 

“Okay.” Clarke put the bowl down in her hands and turned to give Lexa her attention. Finn always required her undivided attention when he was talking, she hadn't been able to break that particular habit. Though, Lexa always seemed to give her undivided attention to Clarke when she spoke so maybe it wasn't really a bad thing. 

“Bakersfield, the little town I grew up in, is having its spring festival this weekend. I thought maybe we could all go, we can stay with my mom and Emma can meet all the animals on the farm next door. Plus, I think she'd really like the festival, it’s like a big fair. Abby would come, too, she should be back from Tulsa by then. It’s about three or so hours away so we'd be far enough away to forget about everything here for a few days.” 

Her mom had been hounding her to visit for quite a while now, Lexa wasn't always the best at keeping in touch and her mom could conjure up some serious guilt because of it. She figured this would kill two birds with one stone.

“We wouldn't be impeding on your family time?” Lexa let out a laugh at that. 

“No, definitely not. If anything you'll be saving me from the hounding I'm sure my mom will give me when she sees I'm in a sling. My mom gets lonely now that it's just her at home, she'll appreciate the extra company. Plus, any opportunity she finds to embarrass me she’ll jump at.”

“I don't know..” Clarke still didn't feel comfortable being outside of the house. But she knew it would be good for Emma, they could all see how restless she was getting being stuck inside all the time. Maybe it would be good to get away for a few days. 

It certainly couldn't hurt to be three hours away from Finn. 

“I promise it'll be fun. We could all use a little break from everything that's going on, you have to at least agree with that.”

Clarke nodded at that, she couldn't really find any good reason to say no to that reasoning. 

“Okay, we should do it. As long as your mom is okay with the extra people.”

“I'm positive she will be but I'll double check with her if that will make you feel more comfortable.” When Clarke nodded Lexa dug out her phone and got up to call her mom. “By the way, whatever you're baking smells amazing.”

Clarke smiled at the compliment and turned back to what she was mixing, the smile never vanishing from her face. 

She’d never tire of hearing compliments from Lexa.

When they told Emma the news over dinner that night, she was so delighted Lexa had to duck the peas that went flying off the little girl’s spoon when she waved her hands around in excitement. Clarke looked instantly concerned that Lexa would be mad Emma made a mess but she didn't really mind the flying food, she'd been looking for that happiness for days. It felt right to see it again. 

Picking up a few wayward peas was the least she could do. 

Emma tried to insist that they needed to leave immediately. She was out of her chair and heading to her room to grab her bear and blanket before Lexa could even catch up to what she was onto. Lexa had to laugh at her thinking, the only things she cared to bring with her was her bear and her blanket. 

Girl had her priorities straight.

Thankfully, Clarke was quick enough to grab her before she could leave and plop her back on her chair. 

“We're going to leave in a few days, Lexa's mom isn't ready for us yet. Plus, I think she'd really like one of your drawings as a thank you for letting us stay, you'll need a few days to work on the perfect one.”

Lexa had to look away when Emma pouted, she was too tempted to get them all in the car now if it meant erasing that pout from her face. Clarke was much more resilient, though. She held firm and eventually Emma nodded and returned to her food, at least what was left on the plate. 

“What should I draw for your mommy?” Lexa pretended to think it over, earning a smile from Clarke. 

The mental tally in Lexa’s head of the amount of times she’d made Clarke smile ticked off another spot.

“Well, my mom has a beautiful garden that you'll get to see. Maybe you can draw her some flowers, do you think you can do that?”

Emma nodded instantly. “I can do it, I draw them really good.”

“Perfect, I know she's going to love that.”

Emma got to work on her picture as soon as dinner was over. She was determined to make it perfect, going as far as arguing with Clarke about bedtime because she wanted to stay up later to draw more. 

Lexa stayed out of it, knowing Clarke was more than capable of getting Emma to listen to her. Honestly, it was Lexa that found it impossible to not give it to whatever Emma wanted. 

By the time Clarke had won the argument and got Emma bathed and in bed, Lexa felt like she was exhausted for Clarke. 

“I'm not sure I’ve ever seen that excited for literally anything else before. We didn't even tell her about the festival.”

Clarke took a seat next to Lexa on the couch and pulled a pillow under her arm to rest it. She grabbed another one and pushed it under Lexa's arm, knowing Lexa was too stubborn to do it for herself.

Clarke had taken it upon herself to make sure Lexa was taking care of her arm despite the fact that she constantly tried to pretend she was fine.

It was only later in the privacy of her bedroom that Lexa let how much pain she was in show. 

Somehow, Clarke still knew.

“Thank you.” Lexa adjusted a little to get comfortable. “I really don't know how you do everything and make it look so easy.”

Clarke couldn't help but laugh at that. The sound was foreign to both of their ears but it was entirely welcomed. 

“I'm sure it looks easy but none of it is. I've essentially been raising her by myself since day one, he never even changed her diaper once. I was so lost and so afraid I was going to do something wrong. Honestly, I still am terrified I'm doing everything wrong. There were so many nights I use to sit up so afraid that I'd never be able to be any good for her, that she'd grow up resenting the fact that I couldn't provide her with a good life. She's always deserved so much more than I could ever give her, I know one day she’ll realize that."

Lexa almost couldn't believe the words coming out of Clarke's mouth. How could she ever doubt that she was nothing but the most doting and loving mother to Emma? She had sacrificed her own wellbeing to protect her, that meant so much more than the toys or presents she hadn't been able to give her. Even if Emma didn't know exactly what happened, she was smart enough to know that Clarke loved her with everything she had.

“I think Emma idolizes you and for a good reason. I know you went above and beyond for her, I know you gave her everything you possibly could. I know you love her with everything you have, that means so much more than any toy or present. Yeah, she's not a spoiled brat with everything handed to her but is that really a bad thing?”

Both of their minds drifted to the one person that they knew had been spoiled rotten. Clearly being spoiled hadn't gotten Finn anywhere good. 

“I'm no expert but I think you've done an extraordinary job with her. You should be proud.”

Clarke glanced over at Lexa, again noticing how thrown off Lexa made her feel. She had no idea where this woman came from or how she always knew exactly what to say to make things better. Clarke made a mental note to thank Lexa's mother for raising such a strong, caring woman. 

For now, Clarke was happy to try to change the subject. Having all that focus and attention on her wasn't something she was use to or something she enjoyed. To her, attention meant she had done something wrong and that meant punishment. Clarke was more than happy to go through life ignored if it meant never being punished. 

“Can I ask you something?” Clarke looked over at Lexa nervously. She hadn't really sought out much information about Lexa in the last few weeks. 

That wasn't to say Lexa didn't offer up a lot of it without prompting, but there were still plenty of things Clarke felt like she should know but didn't. If they were going to be living together for the foreseeable future, and Lexa had reassured that Clarke and Emma were welcome for as long as they wanted, she wanted to know more about her housemate and new friend. 

“Of course. You can always ask me anything.”

“How come you wanted to be a cop? Not that you're not amazing at it, it's just dangerous.” 

“Well, my dad was a cop. He started as a deputy like me then became Sergeant, something I hope to achieve one day. His dad was one, too. It traces back like five generations. Growing up, it was all I knew. My parents never had anymore kids after me so it was my job to carry on that tradition. I never even considered anything else.” Lexa explained. 

“Is your dad still on the force?” Clarke knew Lexa had only mentioned going to visit her mom but she wasn't sure if that was just an oversight. Maybe they had gotten divorced and lived apart now.

“No, he was killed on the job. Drug bust gone wrong.” Lexa didn't explain any further and Clarke felt like that was a sign she didn't want to talk about it anymore so she didn't push the subject.

“I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything.” Clarke felt immensely guilty for bringing it up, she should have known better than to ask personal questions. 

“No, no it's okay. He was doing what he loved, he always said he would be content to go out on the job.”

Lexa reached over for Clarke's hand, not wanting her to close back off, not when she was finally getting somewhere again. 

“Is that..” Clarke paused and tried to formulate the question in her head before she spoke. “Is that what you want, too?”

Lexa didn't really know how to answer that question. She never thought about it, to be honest. She knew every day she went to work could be a day she never came home again, she just never really thought about it in the sense of actually wanting it. 

“Honestly, I haven't really given it any thought. I mean, no, I don't think that's how I would want to go out, if I had to answer now. I'd love to grow old in this house, hopefully be married with a bunch of kids. My dad was married to the job and my mom, I don't want to be that way. Now, it's different, I don't have someone to come home to like he did, but someday I'd love to.”

Clarke was quiet after Lexa's confession, happy to hear that Lexa wanted more for her future but torn in a way she didn't quite know how to place. 

Conversation steered to a less heavy topic after that before both girls headed off to bed for the night. 

Two days later Lexa packed all their bags into her truck and looked back to the house to see if Clarke and Emma were going to come out. It had been a hard morning so far, Clarke had already tried backing out of going three times. Thankfully, Emma was having none of that, her eagerness to go was propelling Clarke forward. 

Lexa contemplated going back into the house and giving Clarke a little reassuring push to leave but before she could, Emma came through the door dragging Clarke behind her. Abby was right behind them, preventing Clarke from bolting back into the house. Leave it to Emma to literally drag Clarke out of the house and through her reservations. 

“Miller dropped one of his old booster seat for Emma to use. His girls are all older now, he said we could have this one. I don't super know how to use it, though.” Miller had explained how to use it but Lexa figured giving Clarke something to do would take her mind off the anxiety she was feeling. 

Abby stepped back and pretended to be doing something with her bag, making Clarke the only option.

Clarke nodded and took the booster seat and quickly hooked it into the back seat easily. It was a tight fit, the truck only had a small second row but Clarke managed to get it secured and got Emma buckled in. Abby climbed in next to Emma, leaving the passenger seat for Clarke.

“I think we're all ready to get out of here.” Clarke was beyond ready to get out of this town for a few days, especially if it meant she wouldn't have to look over her shoulder constantly.

Lexa nodded and opened the passenger door for Clarke to climb in. They had discovered previously that Clarke struggled to get into her truck with her injuries so she offered Clarke her hand and gave her a boost up into the seat. 

“Let's get out of here.”

The ride out of town was relaxing and fun, something they all desperately needed. Emma had taken to singing along with the music on the radio even though she knew none of the words. It was incredibly adorable and made all of them smile and laugh.

Lexa could practically feel Clarke relax as they got further and further out of town. By the time they pulled into the long winding driveway at her mother’s house, Clarke was singing along with Emma and joking around with her mom. 

When the house finally came into view Clarke felt like her jaw should be dropping. It was a beautiful house, considerably bigger than most back home. The front porch ran along the entire length of the house and was pristinely white and organized. There were enough rocking chairs along the entire thing to sit everyone plus a few more guests but it still didn’t appear cluttered. The garden in the front was even nicer than Lexa had previously described. 

All in all, the property was immensely impressive. Clarke couldn't help but feel envious of Lexa for getting to chance to grow up here. 

Not that her parents hadn't provided her with a gorgeous home that was full of love, it just couldn't compare to this house. She probably wouldn't be telling her mother that, though. 

"I'm apologizing ahead of time if my mom is intense, she doesn't really have much of a filter. She's sweet, she's just pretty crazy, too. If she asks something too personal don't feel obligated to answer her."

Lexa felt like she couldn't prepare Clarke enough for the craziness her mom was capable of. Despite the fact that she had given her mom plenty of warning about Clarke and what she was going through, Lexa knew her mom was going to be her usual in your face and intense self.

As she climbed out of the truck Lexa could already hear the telltale signs of her mom coming outside to greet them. The old screen door Lexa had tried to fix many times squeaked and groaned as it opened, announcing her presence. The clatter of her two Australian Shepherds rushing onto the porch and down the steps to greet the new people came next.

"You couldn't have gotten a nicer car to bring everyone here with, Lexa? How many times have I told you that you need a new car? That old rust bucket is going to get you killed one of these days." 

Lexa couldn't even be a little surprised that her mom was on her case about something before she could even step off the porch. Lexa would take her mom's ribbing it if meant her energy wasn't focused on Clarke yet. Not that it wouldn't come at some point, but maybe she could hold her off until she got inside. 

"It's nice to see you, too, mom. The ride was great, we hit a little traffic in town but we did well. Thanks for asking." Lexa replied back sarcastically while she walked around the truck to help Clarke out.

Once she had two feet on the ground, Clarke took a deep breath and looked around to get her bearings. Bakersfield looked similar to their home town but something just felt different here. There was nothing oppressive or tense here, Clarke felt more unstrained and content here than she had at home in longer than she could remember.

"Don't be a wise ass, Lexa. Now, are you going to introduce me or do I need to do everything for myself?" Lexa just smiled at her mom's antics, so use to the special brand of love her mom bestowed upon her.

"Mom, this is Clarke, Clarke, this is my mom. My advice would be to ignore everything she says about me, it's all lies." Lexa huffed and rubbed her arm after her mom pinched it.

"It's nice to meet you, Mrs. Woods. Thank you for having us in your home."

"Please call me Julia, I'm very happy to finally meet you. Now come, I want to meet that little girl of yours before Max and Benji lick her to death." Julia motioned over to where Emma was being greeted by the two dogs that seemed to love the little girl instantly. Abby was kneeling down with them but the two hyper dogs seemed much too happy to pay attention to Emma.

Lexa had been worried the dogs were going to scare Emma, she doubted the girl had any experience with animals like dogs but she should have known better. The little girl was seemingly fearless and she was eating up all the attention from the dogs. 

"Emma, sweetie, come here for a second." Clarke tried to get her attention but it wasn't until Julia called the dogs to her side did her daughter finally look up at her mother. "Come here." 

Emma walked over to Clarke and wrapped her arms around her leg. 

"Emma, this is Lexa's mom, Julia. Can you say hi to her?" 

Emma looked up at Julia for a minute, almost sizing her up, before stepping forward and holding her hand up.

"Hi, Lexa's mommy. I really, really, really like your puppies. Can I play with them again?" 

Julia laughed and bent down to Emma's level to take her hand. 

"Of course you can. You can play with them as much as you want while you're here, they love to play. They seem to really like you, too." The news brought a huge smile to Emma's face and she was already eager to go play again.

"The smaller one is Max, he's still a baby. The bigger one is Benji, he's your age. Benji is really neat because he has two different color eyes, did you notice that?"

Julia called Benji to her side and let Emma see his eyes when she shook her head no.

"See how one is blue and the other is brown?" Emma nodded and reached up to pet Benji. 

Any fear that Clarke and Emma wouldn't feel comfortable here was gone after that. Lexa should have known that Emma would be the catalyst to make everyone else comfortable, the little girl had always been the driving force for everything Clarke did. 

Once they all settled into their rooms, everyone kind of split up to relax for a little while. 

Abby and Julia were sitting out on the front porch talking, they'd become fast friends much to Lexa and Clarke's delight. Emma was running around the yard playing with the dogs under Abby and Julia's watchful eyes. 

That left Clarke and Lexa some quiet time inside. Lexa figured Clarke could use a little time to herself to adjust to the new setting but instead Clarke wanted to sit with Lexa and hear some more stories about growing up in this gorgeous house.

Lexa didn't mind in the least, she quickly found that any time she got to spend with Clarke was time well spent. Hours drifted by so easily as the two girls sat together talking and laughing over picture albums and funny stories Lexa had sworn she'd never tell.

By the time they all retired for the night, Emma was practically dead no her feet from all the playing and Lexa and Clarke had a hard time separating to go into their respective rooms. Each minute they got to spend together felt like something so much more important was growing between them. 

The hours they were in their rooms alone felt like time wasted not being together.

Days passed happily in the Woods home, everyone felt so much more alive and happy here. It was the kind of free feeling Lexa had wanted to feel in her own home, she could only hope it would linger in them once they returned home.

Julia had discovered Clarke's interest in baking and had taken the girl under her wing to show her some of her tricks she had picked up over the years. By the end of their first day baking together the counters were lined with cookies, cakes, and pies to bring to the festival. 

Lexa was helpless to ignore how delicious everything smelled, she snuck into the kitchen one night to raid some of the goodies for a midnight snack. She'd gotten so use to having Clarke's baked goods around, she was actually craving sweets. 

"Alexandria, I know you're not touching those cookies, right?”

Lexa jumped away from the counter, whacking her head on the cabinet in the process. Julia let out a laugh from the doorway and shook her head at her daughter’s antics. 

“No, mother, of course not. Just getting some ice for my brand new concussion.” Lexa grumbled back and rubbed the spot on her head. 

When she returned to her room with an ice pack on her head Lexa instantly noticed the brown bag that hadn't been there when she left to sneak into the kitchen. Her name was written on the front in a neat cursive script with ‘a small thank you for everything you've done for me’ written under it. 

She opened the bag to find a handful of the chocolate chip cookies Clarke had baked earlier. Lexa had always favored the cookies and she knew Clarke knew that. Lexa pulled one out and took a bite, immediately humming at the taste. 

Lexa wanted to go and thank Clarke immediately for her thoughtfulness but the lateness of the night kept her in her room, enjoying every last bite. 

The ice pack lay forgotten after that, nothing really bothered her anymore. 

Clarke was so at ease the next day she was actually looking forward to the festival. It certainly helped that Lexa had greeted her first thing in the morning with a warm hug follow by a shy smile. 

Julia had explained while they were baking that they typically spent the whole day down on the fair grounds. There was entertainment, rides, arcade games, and more food options than you could possibly need in one day. The night would end with fireworks and a concert by someone semi-famous.

Clarke was worried the day would be too much for Emma but the little girl was eager and excited so Clarke let her reservations go for now. She'd keep an eye on her and duck out to the car if it seemed like nap time was necessary. She knew Emma well enough to know she'd try to fight through her exhaustion but in the end it wasn't always possible. 

And a cranky sleep deprived Emma was not a fun Emma.

Lexa was more worried that all the walking and excitement was going to be too much for Clarke's body. She’d made huge gains over the last few weeks but she was still healing and would need a few more weeks before things were back to normal. Lexa knew better than to say anything but she was determined to keep an eye on her and pull her away for a break if she thought Clarke needed it.

"This is nothing like what I was expecting." Clarke glanced around the vast fair grounds that were filled to the brim with life and excitement. Kids were running around everywhere, the smell of fried food pervaded the air, and music could be heard coming from every direction.

It was all so alive and joyful the happiness was infectious. 

"I think the budget for this thing takes up more than half of the town's yearly budget. It's always insane." Lexa took Emma's hand before she could go running off. 

Emma spent the majority of the afternoon pointing out all the prizes she wanted, Lexa spent most of her afternoon losing a whole lot of money trying to win all of the prizes for Emma. 

"Lexa, Lexa, look at the elephant! It's bigger than me! I want it." 

"Lexa, look at that turtle, he's pink! I want it."

"Oh wow, a bear like Pookie! Pookie needs a friend!"

"Can you win the puppy? He looks like Benji and Max."

Needless to say, only a few hours into their day Lexa's wallet was considerably lighter and she had already made one trip back to the car with an armful of stuffed animals.

Clarke had tried in vain to get Emma to stop asking for everything she set her sights on but Lexa had reassured her that she really didn't mind. It made Lexa happy to spoil Emma a bit and god knows the little girl truly deserved it. 

Lexa hadn't noticed the blush that crept up Clarke's cheeks when she presented her with a shooting star picture she won throwing darts. She had seen Clarke looking at it and could remember Emma mentioning that Clarke loved stars so she figured it'd be the perfect keepsake for her. It had taken four tries and almost twenty dollars, but it was worth it.

"Here, now you can have some stuff on the walls in your room."

Eventually they managed to steer Emma away from all the games to give Lexa a bit of a break. No one could agree on what they all wanted to eat from all the different options so they walked around for a while and snacked on different things until they were full. 

Emma had tried a little bit of everything until she started to complain that her stomach was hurting her. It magically faded away when she set her sights on the ferris wheel that sat in the center of the festival.

"Can we go on the big wheel now?" Emma pointed at the big ferris wheel that towered over the rest of the festival. They were trying to leave the rides for later on, hopefully so Emma had tired herself out enough to only want to go on a few. 

None of the adults were looking forward to trying them out with her but they all knew they eventually would have to.

The ferris wheel seemed to be the lesser of the evils so Clarke nodded and let Emma drag them over to the line. It was starting to get dark so the lights from the big wheel were bright and mesmerizing.

By the time they got through the long line, they had decided that Clarke and Lexa would take the ride with Emma. Abby and Julia had ducked out of the chance, opting to watch and take pictures for them.

When they finally got to the front, Lexa and Clarke stepped forward and took their seats. Lexa held her hand out to help Emma up onto the seat between them but the girl suddenly had a change of heart.

"I'm gonna wait with nana. You go with mommy." Emma hurried back to Abby, neither of the girls missing the smirk on her face.

Once they were secured in the seat and moving again, Lexa let out a laugh and shook her head. It took her a minute but eventually what really just happened dawned on her.

"Do you get the impression that we just got tricked by a three year old?"

"I feel like I should be worried she's that conniving at three." 

They both laughed at that and suddenly any tension that might have been there faded away.

As the wheel rose higher into the sky Clarke couldn't help but take in the view around her. The sun was just starting to set off in the distance and it made for a beautiful picture for her to set her eyes on. The town in the distance was illuminated by the setting sun, making the vast fields and houses appear to glow. Clarke could see some farm land nearby and from their vantage point she could make out horses running in their pastures. 

Lexa, on the other hand, couldn't seem to look away from Clarke, despite the surroundings. 

Yes, the view was incredible but it was nothing she hadn't seen before. She’d grown up here, she’d been on the ferris wheel before, none of this was new to her. This sheer joy and happiness on Clarke's face wasn't something she could possibly pass up seeing, that joy was the new thing that was drew her attention right in. 

The woman looked so unencumbered and free in that moment, Lexa couldn't take her eyes off her. Her view was much more beautiful and she’d be happy to argue with anyone who dared to disagree. 

As if sensing she was being watched, Clarke turned and connected their eyes. The familiar blush worked it's way up her cheeks from the attention but she didn't look away. 

"You're missing the view." Clarke commented without any real conviction.

"No, I don't think I'm missing anything."

Lexa didn't miss the blush this time and she knew her own cheeks were similarly shaded. She was afraid she was going to scare Clarke off with her comment but Clarke kept her eyes right on her with a big smile on her face.

Clarke was at a loss for words, she didn't quite know what exactly what happening but she knew at this moment she felt warm and peaceful deep down. For now, that was more than enough. She didn’t need to investigate it, not when being in this moment felt so pure and intimate.

Instead of trying to find the right words to fit how Lexa was making her feel, she opted to reach over and take Lexa's hand in her own. 

Even as the ride came to an end and the festival eventually drew to a close, Clarke and Lexa both felt like they were still floating up high above the festival. They knew what was potentially waiting for them at home but none of that mattered right now. 

They were happy, that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope the Ferris wheel scene was everything you wanted it to be. I was hoping a little light chapter would break some of the heavy stuff that's coming. 
> 
> Let me know what you think.


	14. Chapter 14

Growing up in a small town like Bakersfield hadn’t helped Lexa get exposed to lifestyles that some would classify as alternative. Things were boringly routine around town, no one really varied far outside the box. 

The football star married the cheerleading captain and had three perfect kids. The town gossips all gathered at the local salon to catch up every week. The mothers all stayed home with their kids to raise them. 

It was practically stifling.

Nothing about Bakersfield helped Lexa to shape who she was as a person because no one else in Bakersfield was like her.

She only learned what being gay was because one of her aunts lived in the city and had taken it upon herself to educate Lexa about all the things she wouldn't learn growing up in Bakersfield.

Aunt Anya had always been one of her favorite people, she was years younger than Lexa’s mom and acted more like her sister than her aunt. They got into all kinds of trouble together when Lexa was younger. 

Lexa was pretty sure she would have never realized she was a lesbian if it hadn’t been for her aunt and her life lessons. 

Being gay has been a part of who Lexa was for a long as she could remember, it was as natural to her as breathing, she just never realized what it was. When she finally found the answer as to why she always felt different than the other kids at school, Lexa felt like everything finally made sense.

Her mother had laughed when she came out to her at thirteen with Anya sitting by her side to support her. Once her laughter finally subsided she explained that her and her father had a bet going and that she had won.

“Boy, I can’t wait to rub it in your father’s face that I won. He’ll be so mad.”

Apparently they had known for a lot longer than Lexa had even been aware of it. Somehow she wasn’t really surprised, her parents were practically psychic when it came to her. It hadn’t always benefited Lexa when she was growing up but this time it really did.

Her first real crush had been on her best friend’s older sister, Raven. She’d been twelve at the time, Raven was seventeen and by far the coolest person Lexa had ever met. 

Despite the age difference Raven was always really sweet to Lexa, always encouraging her to feel whatever she wanted to. She had made it clear that obviously Lexa was just a bit too young for her, but she found a way to do it without making Lexa feel like a child. 

All in all, Raven was the perfect first crush if only because Raven never made her feel inferior. 

When Raven started dating a local boy her age, Lexa couldn’t help but feel jealous. It was her first crush and first heartbreak all tied into one. She wouldn't have traded her experience with Raven for anything else, though. 

It had solidified something inside Lexa that she’d never let go of.

Nowadays Raven was off working for some fancy technology company in New York City that paid her millions of dollars to build things that were so far beyond Lexa’s ability to comprehend. Not that Lexa was still keeping track of her, her name just appeared in the local news from time to time.

That and she donated enough money to their high school for them to name the entire thing after her. 

When she told her best friend what she was feeling towards his older sister, he had thrown dirt in her face and called her disgusting.

And just like that, Lexa had learned what homophobia was. 

Their friendship didn’t last a second after he told all of her friends that she was gay and it was contagious.

She’d never forget walking through school the day he spread that around. People actually ran away from her in fear and her locker had been tagged with a word she didn’t even know was derogatory at the time.

When she had asked Anya what it meant later that day, the woman had gone so silent she terrified Lexa. There was a look on Anya’s face that she’d never seen before. Anya never ended up saying anything in reply, she stood up and stormed out of the house.

Lexa never found out where Anya ended up but she learned later that her best friend had been suspended from school for a week and a brand new locker was waiting for her the next day.

Lexa pushed through it all okay, her parents were always supportive and loving and having Anya around always made things easier. She dealt with some of the typical small town homophobia but for the most part she was lucky to have her family support her even.

She was alone for the most part because no one else dared come out and only a few people were willing to be friends with her but she didn’t really mind. 

So when Meagan Hunter approached her during their senior year and asked Lexa out on a date, Lexa realized how much experience she didn’t have with dating. 

As years past, that didn’t change a whole lot. Lexa dated here and there but nothing really ever stuck. She never felt that instant deep connection with someone. 

Movies and books always hype up the intensity of the connection between lovers. They make it out to be such a physical and instantaneous reaction. ‘Electric zaps of intensity’ or ‘fireworks exploding behind their eyes’ seemed to be common occurrences. It seemed like every character in the history of romance novels get goose bumps on their arms when their lover is around.

Lexa never really knew what any of that felt like.

Lexa was anything but a romance novel fan, though. She did enjoy reading but she stuck mostly to comedies or suspense novels. She needed something interesting to keep her attention and romance just didn’t do it for her. 

Maybe that was why she was so incredibly thrown off when she realized exactly what she was feeling for Clarke.

For the entire time she’d known the woman, Lexa felt such an overwhelming sense to protect her, to care for her, but she never questioned why. To her, it was more than a just a job to protect Clarke, it was deeply ingrained in her being. 

Then, days after they had returned home from her mother’s, the entire thing hit her like a ton of bricks. 

Lexa always thought she’d see a momentous revelation like this coming from a mile away. She prided herself on being prepared and totally aware of herself and her feelings. 

Oh how wrong she’d been.

But this, this colossal eye-opener had knocked her right on her ass at the most random time possible. 

She was sitting on the ground, putting together her old dollhouse she had dragged home from her mother’s attic for Emma. It never got much use when she was young, she much preferred playing in the mud with all the boys in the neighborhood to playing with dolls.

But Emma had been so excited when Julia had brought it up Lexa couldn’t resist digging out what felt like hundreds of pieces and painstakingly putting them all together.

The little girl sat to her right, playing with two of the dolls that came with the house. Lexa was vaguely paying attention to what the little girl was saying, most of it seemed like gibberish to her anyway. 

Then suddenly she keyed into the babble when she realized Emma was using two of the female dolls and pretending they were a married couple. It struck Lexa as strange immediately, she had no idea where Emma would have even encountered a lesbian couple before.

Lexa intimately remembered Finn’s opinion about her being gay, she knew he wasn’t walking around their house preaching about acceptance. Lexa hated to think about what exactly he did walk around preaching. She could only hope Emma didn’t remember anything he tried to teach her.

Surely she wasn’t watching any movies that had a lesbian couple in it, the extent of her movie knowledge was limited to anything animated. Although the entertainment world had come a long way, Lexa was still certain there weren’t any lesbians in the latest Pixar movie.

“Emma, are the mommy dolls married?” Emma had aptly named the dolls mommy one and mommy two. 

Emma nodded up at Lexa and help up the dolls to give Lexa a closer look as though she’d be able to tell the dolls were fake married from up close. Lexa pretended all the same for Emma.

“Mommy said it’s okay for girls to marry other girls and for boys to marry other boys.” Emma spoke like it was the most obvious thing in the world. She couldn’t possibly understand how much weight her words truly carried. 

Besides the fact that the little girl had a better and more open opinion about gay marriage than the majority of the country, she also erased any concern Lexa had about finally telling Clarke she was gay. 

“It is okay, right?” Emma seemed worried by Lexa’s lack of response. She never doubted things her mom told her but Lexa’s unusual silence scared her.

Lexa shook herself from her thoughts, instantly feeling bad that she had worried Emma. 

“Of course it’s okay. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with two girls or two boys liking each other.” Lexa put down the pieces she was currently trying to assemble and pulled Emma into her lap. “There are a lot of people out there that don’t agree with us, but it’s wrong to ever be mean to someone just because of who they love.”

Emma sensed how serious Lexa was and gave her all of her attention. Emma always ate up any advice or wisdom Lexa wanted to impart on her. Next to her mom, Lexa was quickly becoming one of the most important people in her life. 

“So it would be okay for you and mommy to love each other?” 

That was all it took. Those few innocent words from a three year old who really didn’t know any better knocked something around in Lexa’s head until it all just clicked. Piece by piece fell into place and suddenly every thought and every feeling prior to now made perfect sense.

She was overprotective of Clarke because she cared so deeply for her. She never saw Clarke like just another case because Clarke was so much more than that. She had real, deep feelings for Clarke that went so far beyond just caring and protecting.

Holy shit, she had feelings for Clarke.

Clarke, who was still technically married.

Clarke, who was still healing from all the mental and physical abuse her husband had inflicted on her over the course of ten years.

Clarke, who had a three year old girl to think about.

Clarke, who was more than likely straight.

Clarke, who trusted her to protect her, not fall in love with her.

Not that Lexa was in love with her, no. She just realized she had romantic feelings for her, love wasn’t even in the question yet.

Emma seemed oblivious to Lexa’s sudden internal panic, something that happened way more often that Lexa would like to admit.

Instead of trying to get Lexa’s attention back to get an answer from her, Emma climbed off her lap and went back to playing with her dolls, leaving Lexa to freak out. She could always ask Clarke later.

She had no idea how she hadn’t noticed it before, their connection was just too powerful and deep to be ignored. She had to figure it went unnoticed because of everything else they had to worry about but now, it was all Lexa could think about.

Lexa's mood was off for the rest of the day, something Clarke couldn’t help but notice. It felt wrong to pry so Clarke let Lexa be and figured when she was ready she would talk to her.

That was how they always worked, neither girl pushed the other to talk making it even easier to open up. They never felt pressure to explain anything to the other, it just came naturally.

So Clarke waited patiently for Lexa to open up to her. But lunch and dinner came and went and still Lexa kept to herself.

Emma ended up being the one to give Clarke the answer she had been seeking all day. They were lying together in Emma’s bed while Clarke read her a bedtime story.

“Mommy, Lexa said some people are mean to others because of who they love. I don’t get why.” Emma commented out of nowhere, interrupting the story.

Clarke was thrown for a minute, the topic seemed completely random to her. Maybe this was why Lexa had been off all day, maybe Emma had asked her something that made her uncomfortable.

“How did you two end up talking about that?” Clarke adjusted Emma against her chest to help her get comfortable. She placed the book down on the nightstand, wanting to give all her focus to this conversation.

“I was playing with my dolls and mommy one was married to mommy two. Lexa said it was okay for girls to get married but then she said people were mean about it. Do you think people were mean to Lexa?”

“I’m not sure if they were mean to her or not, baby girl. I don’t know if Lexa likes girls like that. But I do know that some people can be mean about it because they don’t understand that it’s okay. A lot of people are afraid of things they don’t understand. Do you get what I’m saying?”

Emma didn’t really understand what Clarke meant, it was a little too complicated for her young mind. She shook her head in the negative after thinking it over.

“The most important thing I want you to understand is that everyone, no matter what, deserves to be treated nicely. You’re a sweet little girl, I want you to always be nice to everyone. That’s really, really important.”

Emma could understand that. She’d witnessed far too much aggression and anger to ever want to be that way herself.

“I always be nice, mommy, I promise. Just like you and Lexa.” Clarke smiled and kissed the top of Emma’s head. 

Clarke’s head was swimming when she finally slipped out of the room sometime later. Emma had asked quite a few more questions and Clarke didn’t really know how to answer all of them.

Not to mention that she felt like there was a huge thing now that she needed to ask Lexa but she had no idea how to approach it. 

Was it even appropriate to ask Lexa if she was gay? Clarke knew normally it wouldn’t be but she felt like there was something screaming at her to ask. 

It was Lexa’s personal business but she wanted to be able to apologize if Emma had done something to offend her. The last thing she’d ever want to do was offend Lexa in any way.

She found Lexa sitting in the living room in an old t-shirt and pajama pants, still trying to assemble the dollhouse. Emma had lost interest after a few hours because it wasn’t complete but Lexa was determined to finish before she went to bed.

Given the sheer amount of unassembled pieces that lay around Lexa, Clarke assumed that wasn’t going to happen despite her best efforts. 

“You’re going to go blind staring at all those small pieces for hours on end.” Clarke took a seat next to a surprisingly jumpy Lexa. “I’m sorry, I didn’t meant to scare you.”

Lexa shook it off and placed the final piece of the roof together.

“Is everything okay with you? I don’t mean to pry, you just don’t really seem yourself today.”

“Yeah, no, I’m good. Just frustrated by this whole thing. My mom saves literally everything but for some reason she threw out the instructions for this thing. I’m not even exaggerating, she could easily pull out every single report card I ever got. She needs that big house to store all the shit she saves.” Lexa ranted and rubbed her eyes in frustration.

Clarke rubbed her hand along Lexa’s back to hopefully ease some of her frustrations. The gentle action succeeded in calming Lexa down. She still couldn’t believe how powerful of an affect this woman had on her but it was definitely undeniable now.

“Suddenly I feel very sympathetic towards my dad, he put this thing together on Christmas Eve one year after working a double and I wasn’t even excited when I opened it on Christmas morning. Dolls were never really my thing.”

“That doesn’t really surprise me.” Clarke smiled when Lexa let out a sardonic laugh at her comment.

“Why don’t you take a little break and give your eyes a rest.” Clarke offered. “I’ll even warm up some of the cookies I made earlier. The dollhouse will still be here in the morning.”

Lexa was a sucker for her chocolate chip cookies and Clarke knew it. She barely held in a victorious smile when Lexa nodded at the plan and put down what she was working on.

“Throw in some chocolate milk and you have a deal.” Whatever had been bothering Lexa all day seemed to fade away in that moment. The simple lighthearted back and forth was enough to shake off whatever had been bogging her down all day.

“Fine but you’re stirring your own this time. You’re so particular about it my arm almost fell off last time.” Lexa laughed at the exaggeration and stood before holding her hand out for Clarke who accepted it instantly and allowed Lexa to pull her up.

Neither girl seemed to realize they stood right in each other’s personal space after Clarke was upright, it just felt natural to be this close. 

Lexa expected it to be awkward now that she realized how she felt about Clarke but even now she felt nothing but at ease and calm. She was convinced nothing about Clarke would ever make her feel anything even slightly close to unpleasant.

It didn’t escape her notice that it would be so easy to just lean forward and kiss Clarke in that moment. They were so close, the woman’s presence seemed to be inviting her forward. Lexa had never felt such a pull to kiss someone before, she was hard pressed to resist. 

Lexa didn’t seem to notice that Clarke’s eyes briefly drifted down to her lips, she was too focused on wondering what Clarke’s lips might feel like against her own.

But instead of acting on her urge Lexa took a step back and turned to head for the kitchen, neither noticing that the other needed to take a deep breath to calm down the rampant emotions coursing through them.

She really didn't need to be messing up the best friendship she'd probably ever had for an unrequited crush. 

Clarke held onto what she really wanted to talk to Lexa about until they were sitting around the kitchen table enjoying their cookies and milk.

“Emma mentioned you two talked earlier today.” Clarke decided to be vague, hoping Lexa would offer up more information so didn’t have to ask. She really didn’t want to have to ask.

“Yeah, we talked about a few different things.” Lexa was terrified Clarke could see right through her. She was worried she had done something wrong by talking to Emma about it without Clarke’s permission.

“She mentioned that you told her it was okay for two girls to like each other.”

Lexa couldn’t tell if Clarke was upset by that or not. Normally she could read Clarke’s face well enough to know what she was thinking but right now she couldn’t quite figure her out. It didn’t appear to bode well for her.

“I did, was that okay? Should I have talked to you about it before I said anything to her? She just seemed too happy and content to pretend, I wanted her to know it was okay. I know there are plenty of people out there that think it’s not okay, I never want her to think that. Unless you think that, which pretty much makes this entire conversation incredibly awkward. ” 

Clarke placed her hand on Lexa’s forearm to calm her down. It worked instantly, her heart rate slow back to normal and the rest of her rant faded away from her mind.

“Lexa, I promise it’s okay. I want nothing more than to teach her to be as accepting and respectful as possible. I know you are a great influence on her that way, I don’t worry that you’ll ever teach her something I’m not okay with.”

Lexa nodded and relaxed slightly. She never wanted to overstep with Emma, she knew that would be the fastest way to ruin her relationship with Clarke.

“She asked me something that I didn’t really know how to answer. I feel like asking you is too personal, I think it’s wrong of me to even think of asking but something tells me maybe you won’t hate me afterwards. And like you always tell me, you’re free to not answer me.”

Lexa squeezed Clarke’s hand now that she was the one ranting.

“Right, sorry, I just..” Clarke paused and tried to find the right way to ask this. “Emma asked me if you like girls and I didn’t know how to answer her. I didn’t want to say no if you did, not that you’ve ever done anything to make me think you do. And I didn’t want to say yes if that was a lie. I never assume one way or the other about a person. I just, I want to be open and honest with you about everything and I think you’ve always been open and honest with me.”

“I do. Like girls, that is. I mean, I’ve been out since I was thirteen. I’m sorry I never told you, I just didn’t want you to think less of me if it was something you weren’t okay with. You mean too much to me to lose you over something like that.”

Clarke didn’t really understand the sudden burst of happiness she felt deep down when Lexa explained that she was gay. Sure, she was happy that Lexa felt comfortable enough to be open with her but this ran so much deeper than that.

“I don’t think there’s literally anything you could do to make me think any less of you after everything you’ve done for me. But, besides that, I am completely okay with it. I mean, there was a point in my life that I considered myself to be bisexual but Finn convinced me that I was wrong.”

Lexa shook her head at that, not understanding how Finn could change who Clarke was as a person like that. She didn’t even understand how Clarke could still think that was true.

“I don’t mean to tell you who you are because you’re the only person that can define yourself, but trust me when I say anything Finn told you about yourself and who you are as a person was complete and utter bullshit. No one else can tell you if you’re straight or gay or bi or anything else.”

Lexa had to take a deep breath, she always got so worked up when she thought about all the horrible things Finn had done. It hit her especially hard that Finn thought it was okay to tell Clarke who she was. 

“Well, I think I have a lot on my plate right now to work through outside of all that. I don’t know if I have the mental capacity at this point to figure out who I am in that sense.” 

Lexa knew Clarke was completely right and it made her feel guilty for even thinking about feeling anything romantic for Clarke right now.

“Yeah, I agree with that. I’m here for you, if you need to talk about anything, you know that, right? You don’t have to deal with anything on your plate alone.”

“I know you are. You’re really the only one I even consider talking to about everything. Yeah, I’m kinda forced to talk to the therapist twice a week but it’s different with you. And my mom has been really great but sometimes it feels like she’s just trying too hard. I don’t feel like you’re trying to fix me constantly, I just feel like you’re listening and supporting and offering whatever guidance you can.”

“Well I’m glad I come across that put together and helpful.” Lexa joked to ease the mood a little bit. “But seriously, I’m happy that I can be there for you. I promise I always will be, no matter what.”

Clarke smiled and gathered up their plates and cups to clean up. 

“You know, if anything positive could come out of all of this mess, it’s the fact that I have you in my life now.”

“Well I think my biggest benefit so far is all the baked goods.” Lexa joked and stood to help Clarke clean up. Clarke laughed at Lexa’s teasing and nudged Lexa playfully with her hip.

They worked quietly after that, cleaning up the kitchen and sending each other shy smiles. It all felt so intimate to Lexa, it made her want to live in moments like this forever. Even if she couldn’t and wouldn’t act on her feelings for Clarke, she could still enjoy being around her.

“I think I’m going to head to bed, it’s getting pretty late.” 

Lexa glanced at the clock and reluctantly nodded, it had gotten much later than she thought. She had wanted to finish the dollhouse before bed but she knew she had to throw in the towel and start fresh in the morning.

“Yeah, I should be going, too. I’m gonna try and get up early tomorrow to get that dollhouse done.”

“Thank you for working so hard on it, she’s going to love it.”

“That’s all that matters to me.” Lexa reached over and squeezed Clarke’s hand before heading off to her room for the night. Even with the new knowledge that she was feeling something significant for Clarke, she never felt awkward or like she needed to dance around on eggshells around her.

Lexa was just falling asleep about an hour later when she felt something poking her back repeatedly.

“Lex? Lex, you awake?”

Lexa turned over and looked down at Emma. The little girl was still wrapped up in her blanket and sucking her thumb in her mouth. She didn’t look too upset but Lexa could never really be sure.

“What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“I heard a funny noise. Mommy was sleeping, I didn’t wanna wake her.” 

“Okay, do you want me to look to make sure there’s nothing in your room?” Lexa had seen Clarke do the same thing before when Emma had gotten scared one night. It seemed to settle Emma down enough to go back to sleep so Lexa was more than happy to do it again. 

Emma nodded and reached for Lexa’s hand to hold onto. Lexa did one better and lifted the little girl up onto her hip once she got herself out of bed.

“Let’s go make sure everything looks good.”

Lexa rubbed along Emma’s back to hopefully soothe her as they headed down the hallway to Emma’s room. She kept her in her arms and looked around the entire room, checking for anything that might be out of the ordinary.

The house was old, it tended to creak and groan for no real reason so Lexa was doing this mostly to put Emma at ease. That wasn’t to say Lexa wasn’t extra cautious now that Finn was out there somewhere but they all had relaxed slightly over time.

Lexa was pretty convinced that wasn’t the issue right now.

Once she checked under the bed, in the closet, and under every blanket and toy in the room Lexa deemed it safe again.

“It’s all good in here, sweetie, do you want to try to sleep again?”

Emma thought it over and shook her head. 

“Can I sleep with you?” Emma asked through a yawn. Emma hadn’t slept in her bed since Clarke had been released from the hospital but Lexa wouldn’t deny the girl the comfort she was looking for.

“Of course you can. Let’s grab Pookie and get comfy in bed.” Lexa bent down to grab the bear from the bed before returning to her room.

She placed Emma down in the middle of her bed, the little girl was already almost back to sleep. Lexa got the blanket tucked back around her and made sure she seemed content before lying down next to her.

A knock on her door came only a few minutes later. Lexa looked up and gestured to Clarke to come in.

“Hey, sorry, I was just going to check on her. Is she okay?”

Lexa nodded and motioned for Clarke to take a seat on the other side of the bed.

“She heard a noise that scared her, I checked her room over but she wanted to stay here. I think she tried you first but you were sleeping already. She didn’t want to wake you.”

Clarke smiled and leaned over to kiss Emma’s head. She brushed some of her curls away from her face.

“I had curls like that when I was her age, they were the worst. My mom use to put my hair in these ridiculous pigtails, it was horrifying. She looks way more adorable than I ever did with curls.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at the image of a little Lexa with pigtails. Somehow Clarke knew by the end of each day those pigtails were long gone.

“I might have to call your mom and ask her to send me one of those pictures, I know she has to have a few hundred.”

Lexa shook her head at that.

“Nope, no way. They’ve all been burned.”

“We’ll see about that.” Clarke teased and made a mental note to call Julia in the morning.

Lexa reached over and pulled back the comforter for Clarke so she could lie down next to Emma. “Lay down, I know she’ll be happy to wake up next to you.”

Lexa waited for Clarke to get under the covers before she started to get up to give them their space.

“Wait, stay, this is your bed. I’m not going to kick you out of it.” Clarke sent Lexa a stern look until she got back into bed. “This bed is big enough for all of us. Emma will be thrilled to sleep next to both of us.”

Lexa smiled and tucked the comforter up to her neck again, getting herself comfortable. She rested one arm over Emma instinctually, smiling to herself when she felt Clarke lay her hand over hers.

Neither adult noticed the small smile that appeared on Emma's face when she felt both of their arms around her. 

Even at her young age Emma could recognize how happy Lexa made her mom. She was determined to do whatever she could to make sure Lexa continued to make her happy for a long time. 

They drifted off to sleep easily after that, all three of them more than content with their sleeping arrangements. 

What no one inside the little bubble of happiness could have possibly known was just outside their house a black truck sat, the sole occupant’s eyes never left the house despite the lights going off hours ago. 

The truck had been parked there for hours, observing everyone who was inside. A loaded gun sat in his passenger seat, just itching to be used. He'd waited long enough for Clarke to smarten up and come back to him, he was done waiting now. He had his plan all ready, he just needed the perfect moment to carry it out.

He was going to kill that bitch cop that dared mess with his family then take back what was rightfully his.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment to let me know what you think.


	15. Chapter 15

“Trust me, Em, I’d never let anything happen to you. If you jump, I promise I’ll catch you.” 

Lexa stood in the shallow end of Lincoln and Octavia’s pool, doing her best to encourage Emma to jump in. The little girl stood frozen on the deck, her arms and waist full of brightly colored floaties but none of the reassurances seemed to be enough to get her to jump in.

Unseasonable warm days had rolled into town and it gave Octavia the chance to open her home and pool to Lexa, Clarke, and Emma for a small barbecue. Emma had never been swimming before so it had taken them quite a while to even get her in the pool.

But it didn’t take long after her feet touched the water for Emma to fall in love. She chased Lexa and Lincoln all around the pool for what felt like hours without showing any signs of tiring. 

Now, Lexa was working on getting her brave enough to jump in. She’d been surprised to find there was something Emma was actually fearful of, Lexa had been convinced nothing could possibly scare the little girl.

Both Lexa and Lincoln had shown Emma how easy it would be to jump in, Lincoln even showing off his ability to flip into the pool, something Lexa of course had to one up by doing it backwards.

A month ago Clarke would have automatically said no at the invitation to spend time away from home but she’d been lulled into a false sense of security by Finn’s lack of action. Besides, she was aware that there would be two more than capable deputies around to make sure nothing bad could happen.

She couldn’t deny that it was nice to see Emma experience new things. She also couldn’t deny that it was fun to get out of the house and enjoy herself.

Clarke sat up on the deck with Octavia and Deacon, happy to watch Emma swim around like a little fish with Lexa and Lincoln. 

Octavia had taken Deacon into the pool earlier but he didn’t seem to be a big fan so she opted to stay up on the deck. Clarke took the opportunity to avoid the pool and sat with Octavia. 

“They’re kind of adorable together, Lexa and Emma that is.” Octavia commented as Emma finally jumped into Lexa’s waiting arms. The little girl’s giggles pervaded the entire back yard, making everyone smile. Even Deacon let out an excited little coo when he heard Emma laugh.

“Yeah, they are. Lexa is just… She’s really perfect, you know? I keep looking for flaws because no one can really be that perfect but she just is.” Clarke didn’t even realize how smitten she sounded but Octavia picked up on it instantly.

Octavia weighed flat out asking Clarke if she had feelings for Lexa but ultimately decided to hold off, not wanting to rock any boats. Instead she’d kind of beat around the subject to see if she could get Clarke to admit it.

“Emma certainly seems like she’s fallen hard for Lexa.” Octavia observed.

“I think it would have been hard not to. She’s got Lexa wrapped around her little finger. I think it’s endearing, Lexa’s this big tough cop but she’s completely unable to resist doing literally anything Emma wants. I tried for a while to make sure Emma wasn’t taking advantage of Lexa but it was useless. Lexa loves it.”

“What happens then when you inevitably move out of Lexa’s?” Octavia saw the panic pass over Clarke’s face as soon as she asked the question. It occurred to her that Clarke never even let herself think about what would happen if she moved out.

Clarke had spoke about the house as her own home more than once, Octavia was concerned it would end up hurting her in the end. But then again, Octavia had seen the way Lexa looks at Clarke, she knew she didn’t need to be too worried that she’d be kicking her out anytime soon if ever.

“I honestly haven’t thought about that. I don’t know that I’d feel safe anywhere else.”

Clarke couldn’t imagine having to live elsewhere now that she knew how safe and comfortable she was with Lexa.

That wasn’t to say Lexa couldn’t ask her to leave one day, she had nothing forcing her to let Clarke and Emma stay. But Clarke didn’t see that happening anytime soon, Lexa seemed to like having them around as much as they liked being there.

“Maybe you won’t have to, I mean maybe you two could be happy living together forever.”

Clarke didn’t quite pick up on the insinuation in Octavia’s comment but she did love the idea of living with Lexa for a long time. 

“I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Before Octavia could say anything else a soaking wet Emma threw herself into Clarke’s lap and hugged her tight. Clarke winced as her knees pressed hard into her stomach but thankfully Emma didn’t seem to notice. Clarke adjusted Emma around so she wasn’t hurting her anymore before looking down at her.

“Mommy, come swim with me and Lexa.” Emma pouted up at Clarke, not caring in the least that she was dripping all over Clarke’s previously dry clothes. Lexa had offered her a bathing suit earlier but Clarke had declined. 

She may have come a long way in her recovery over the past six weeks but her body would always show just how much damage Finn had inflicted on her. Her midsection still had faded bruises and scars and it just made her feel too self conscious to be out in a bathing suit.

Besides the fact that she knew no one would want to see her body in a bathing suit anyway. She’d gained weight since she was living with Lexa and she knew it only made her look even fatter than she had previously. She knew Finn would be screaming at her for how much weight she gained if he saw her.

She couldn’t help but hear his voice saying it anyway. She’d learned to block him out over time but when she thought about specific things like her gaining weight made it impossible to turn off the voice in her head.

Instead she had opted for a simple red tank top and a pair of jean shorts. She hadn’t worn shorts in years, Finn always told her that her legs were too ugly to wear shorts. She had struggled with showing this much skin but Lexa had reassured her more than once that she looked nice.

Lexa had actually tripped over her own feet when she first saw Clarke but Clarke didn’t think it meant anything significant. 

“I’m not dressed to go swimming, sweetie. I’m keeping Octavia and Deacon company up here.” 

Emma certainly wasn’t making saying no easy, she had a serious pout on her face and even crossed her arms over her chest to further add to her point.

“Go swimming in these. Please, mommy, please? I wanna swim with you.”

Clarke sighed and glanced over at Octavia for help but all Octavia offered was a small shrug.

“I’ve got plenty of stuff you can wear, if that’s what’s stopping you.”

“It's not just that.” Clarke answered and lifted Emma off her lap. “How about I come sit on the edge and put my feet in. You can show me how good of a swimmer you are.”

Emma reluctantly agreed to that plan and ran back over to the pool, pulling Clarke right along with her. Emma waited for Clarke to take a seat on the edge of the pool before jumping right back in, her fear from earlier completely forgotten. .

Lexa came swimming over to Clarke and rested her arms on the edge of the pool, the muscles of her arms on display from the action. Not that Clarke was looking at her muscles, it just stuck out at her when she looked down at Lexa. 

“You really need to teach me how to resist that pout.” Clarke laughed and kicked her feet around, enjoying the cool water against her skin.

“Good luck, it took me like two years and even now, I still don’t possess the ability to do it all the time.”

Lexa smiled at that and turned so her back rested against the pool instead so she wasn’t looking directly into the sun anymore, the cool plastic of the liner pressing against the bare skin of her back. She had spent considerably longer than normal picking out what she was going to wear to the pool and finally settled on a black bikini top and a pair of board shorts.

Normally Lexa didn’t care about what she wore, she was a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl, but for some reason she wanted to actually look nice lately. She knew it was probably was because she was aware of how she felt for Clarke now but she wasn’t ready to admit that to herself. 

The new position showed Clarke the tattoo that Lexa had on her back for the first time. She’d seen it from afar when Lexa was swimming but the distance skewed just how intricate and beautiful the design was. 

“That tattoo is gorgeous.” Clarke commented, almost reaching out to run her hand along the inked skin. She resisted and folded her hands in her lap instead.

“Thank you. I got it after I graduated the academy and took the job here. There were three of us that started together from my academy, we thought it’d be cool to all get tattoos together. I wasn’t about to get something lame, though, so I had this drawn up.”

The tattoo was a mix of vibrant watercolors filling out an abstract design of a box. Clarke couldn’t help but stare at it, the long since buried creative side of her mind coming to life again at the sight.

“Does it have a meaning or is it just abstract?”

“I look at it as sometimes the most beautiful things in the world are the things we find when we step out of the box of what’s supposed to be normal and routine. Sounds kinda lame, I know, I just try to live that way. If I never stepped out of my comfort zone I’d be bored out of my mind.”

“It doesn’t sound lame at all, I think it’s beautiful.”

Years ago when Clarke still found time to draw and create art, she loved working with abstract designs. When Finn came into her life he insisted that her hobby was a waste of time so he packed up all her art supplies and threw them all out. 

Clarke always missed having a creative outlet, she felt like a big part of her was missing but over time that piece of her started to fade into nonexistence. 

Clarke had no idea why Lexa's tattoo stirred that piece back up but she felt very inspired after seeing it. 

Lexa smiled and turned around again, waiting to be able to see Clarke. Their eyes locked in a gaze and just like always, everything else faded away. Neither really cared that they got so lost in each other in these moments, it just felt right.

They’re moment was broken when Lincoln splashed enough water at them to soak Clarke’s lower half completely.

“Sorry bout that, you guys looked like you were getting a little hot.”

Lexa cursed under her breath and lunged for Lincoln, starting a water fight that had both of them dunking each other under water until Octavia yelled for them to knock it off.

Lexa took the reprieve as a chance to pull herself out of the water and take a seat next to Clarke to catch her breath.

“You’re already soaked now, you might as well take a swim.” Lexa commented when she saw how wet Clarke had gotten from Lincoln’s splash.

“Not happening. Octavia is going to start cooking soon, I told her I’d help. Maybe later I’ll think about it. Maybe. And don’t tell Emma that so she can guilt trip me into swimming.”

Lexa held her hands up when Clarke chastised her, she wasn’t surprised Clarke knew she’d do that. 

“I won’t say anything to her but I’m more than capable of a good guilt trip, you know.”

Clarke laughed at that. 

“Yeah, okay, I'm sure you are.”

Lexa huffed indignantly and bumped Clarke with her shoulder. 

“Listen, just because I can't seem to find a backbone around Emma doesn't mean I can't find one around you.” Even Lexa didn't seem convinced that was true. 

“I mean, I agree that you're powerless around Emma. She's got you so wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. I don't ask you for anything so it's hard to know whether or not you'd be able to resist.”

“Somehow I don't think I'd be able to. I mean, Emma got her charms from somewhere.”

Clarke blushed at the compliment and rested against Lexa for a minute before she stood up, using Lexa’s shoulder to push herself up from the deck. 

“I guess we’ll see one day.”

Lexa watched her walk away before diving back into the pool, suddenly needing to really cool off. 

“Lexa and Emma aren’t the only ones that are adorable together.” Octavia pointed out when Clarke sat again.

“What?”

“You and Lexa, you two are really cute together.” 

“We’re not.. It’s not like that. She’s not interested in me like that. No one could be.” The last bit was mumbled under her breath but Octavia picked up enough to understand what she said.

It wasn’t often that signs of Finn’s influence could still be seen in Clarke, Lexa and her therapist had really done a lot to help her over most hurdles, but big issues like this still glared through. 

Clarke had been told countless times over ten years that Finn was the only one that could possibly ever want her. He drilled into her head that she’d never be worthy of being loved by anyone else. He destroyed any confidence she had about herself until she could do nothing but believe what he was saying. 

It was impossible to just stop believing that she was unworthy of love outside of Finn. And Lexa, she was such an astounding person, she deserved to love someone worthy of her love. Clarke would never be worthy.

But outside of all of that, there was no way Lexa even felt that way for her. Lexa was smart, she had to know that she would find someone incredible one day. Someone much better than Clarke.

“One day you’ll understand just how wrong you are. I don’t really care what Finn had to say about you, I know it was all wrong. He was the only unworthy one.”

Clarke shook her head and turned to look the other way as tears started to well in her eyes. She hated that he still had a hold on her mind but she didn’t know how to let him go. 

Octavia didn’t press the conversation further but Clarke felt weighed down for the rest of the day. She was confused about what she was feeling, confused about what Lexa was thinking, and worried that she was never going to be able to fully move on from Finn.

It all felt like too much to handle for her mind and more important her heart. Octavia had put that bug in her ear and now she was second guessing everything she thought she felt for Lexa. 

She'd never be able to deny that Lexa was gorgeous and her personality was warm and inviting. But she could never be good enough for Lexa and it would hurt too much to ever really let herself think otherwise. 

Lexa had tried to press Octavia for information about why Clarke seemed to change after they were talking Octavia had simply told her that Clarke needed to be the one to tell Lexa what was bothering her.

Lexa gave Clarke every opportunity to open up to her once they got home but it wasn’t until much later that Clarke approached her hoping to talk. 

She had been laying in bed reading a book when she heard the quiet knock come. She placed the book down and motioned for a timid looking Clarke to come in. A quick glance at the clock showed that it was well after midnight, they had separated for bed a few hours ago.

Lexa wasn't really surprised that Clarke was still awake, she was struggling to sleep as well. 

Emma had asked to spend the night with Octavia and Lincoln and after a long discussion and many promises from both Octavia and Lincoln that everything would be okay, Clarke had agreed. She felt like it was impossible to sleep now, though, knowing that Emma wasn’t somewhere close.

Clarke moved over to the other side of Lexa’s bed and slipped under the covers, still not saying anything yet. Lexa remained silent as well, letting Clarke open up on her own terms. 

“I’m confused about something.” Clarke started and winced when she heard what she said, it wasn’t how she wanted to start this conversation.

Not that she had a real concrete plan but that just didn't seem like the best way to approach this whole thing. 

“Well I can do my best to help with that confusion, if you’re looking for help. If not you're more than welcome to lay with me and we can chat about something else.”

“I don’t know. I wish I was just capable of figuring out emotions like a normal person but I’m not. I can’t think of anything without his voice in my head telling me what I should be thinking.”

Lexa was starting to get confused herself, she really had no idea where this was going.

“What is it that you’re trying to work through? Maybe saying it out loud would help you eliminate his voice.”

Clarke sat up and wrung her hands together, suddenly regretting even attempting to have this conversation. Lexa was going to laugh in her face and she wasn’t sure she could handle that.

Lexa sat up and scooted over so she was sitting pressed against Clarke’s side. She took Clarke’s hands in her own to stop her from nervously wringing them together.

“Clarke, there’s no pressure on you to talk about anything. This is clearly upsetting you, I don’t want you to feel obligated to continue talking and get more uncomfortable.”

Clarke nodded at everything Lexa said and took a few minutes to take some deep breaths and calm herself down. She felt like she was on the edge of a panic attack but she was doing everything she could to ward it off.

Having Lexa this close really helped relax her. 

“I think..” Clarke paused and squeezed Lexa’s hands, needing the support to get through this. “I think I’m having feelings that I don’t think I should be.”

Lexa was freaking out slightly but she did everything she possibly could to not let it show. There still was a good chance this had nothing to do with her.

“Why do you think you shouldn’t be having them?” Lexa hadn’t meant to lower her voice the way she had but it seemed to help Clarke relax even further.

“Because I can’t possible be worthy of having them returned.” That struck Lexa deep inside. If anyone was worthy of being loved and cared for, it was Clarke. Lexa was certain there was no one else that deserved it more.

“Anyone in this world, anyone would be so lucky to have your affection, Clarke. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. You have the biggest heart and you are so incredibly selfless and sweet. I will tell you that every single day until you can believe me, until you can see just how wonderful you are.”

Clarke could hear the pure conviction in Lexa’s voice, there was no mistaking how strongly Lexa felt about every word she spoke. It made Clarke believe that maybe Finn had been wrong, even if just for this short moment. 

“Does anyone include you?” Clarke asked before she could even think about it. The words were out, hanging heavy over them. 

Lexa wanted to scream yes, she wanted to cheer and celebrate. But instead, Lexa reached one hand up and cupped Clarke’s chin. She had no idea where her courage was coming from in this moment but she wasn’t about to second guess herself. Clarke had given her an opening, she'd be a fool to not take it. 

She gently turned Clarke’s head so she could look into her eyes, never moving her hand from her cheek.

“It especially includes me.” Her voice was barely over a whisper now but Clarke heard every word clearly.

Lexa found ever last bit of courage she had and leaned forward slightly. Her eyes remained open to make sure Clarke wasn’t about to freak out but they drifted closed as soon as she felt Clarke lean forward to meet her.

Their lips met hesitantly at first, neither of them wanting to scare the other off. But surprisingly it was Clarke who pressed in harder, angling her head to deepen the kiss. Clarke’s hands were shaking but they managed to find their way to Lexa’s sides, making it all feel that much more intimate.

All those stereotypes that Lexa had shrugged off as fake suddenly made perfect sense. The butterflies seemed to explode into fireworks and she was certain her entire body was covered in goose bumps. She didn’t care that none of that made sense in her head when every last thing she was feeling right now was perfect.

Lexa had to pull back after a good minute, her heart felt like it was going to beat right out of her chest. She didn’t let Clarke go far, though, she leaned her forehead against Clarke’s and moved her hand to her neck.

It didn’t take long to feel Clarke start to tense, clearly second guessing everything that just happened.

“Please, please, whatever you’re second guessing right now please just know that was by far the best kiss I’ve ever experienced.” Lexa admitted to hopefully help calm whatever was going through Clarke’s mind.

“How could you ever want me?” Lexa pulled back enough to be able to see Clarke when she heard the turmoil in her voice.

“How could I possibly not? You’re everything to me, you and Emma have come into my life and turned everything around. You’ve brought life into my home, you’ve brought happiness and joy and I couldn’t possibly not feel something spectacular for you. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Clarke, and if you never returned my feelings and wanted to only be my friend I would stand by that.”

Clarke couldn’t help the tears that fell down her cheeks as Lexa spoke to her, she made every painful memory and thought drift away. She made Clarke feel worthy. 

Before Clarke could find the words to reply, a loud crash somewhere in the house broke through their little bubble. The small lamp Lexa kept on her bedside table suddenly turned off. 

From her vantage point Lexa could see that all of the lights that had been on in the house cut off. 

“Lex..” Something in Clarke knew that wasn’t just the old house making noises or a fuse breaking randomly. A pit had formed in her stomach that told her something wasn’t right.

“Stay here.” Lexa pulled herself out of bed and went right for her gun safe. She knew something was off and she had an awful feeling she knew exactly what that was.

“Wait, Lexa, don’t leave me..” Lexa grabbed her gun before going back to the bed and kissing Clarke again, wanting to do whatever she could to reassure the woman that everything was going to be okay. It helped calm her racing heart down, too.

“I want you to close and lock the door behind me, okay? Do not open it again until I tell you to. Then get my phone and call 911. I promise I won’t let anything happen to you, okay? I promise.”

Clarke had a hard time letting Lexa go but another bang in the house let her know she needed to.

Lexa moved to the door again, waiting to leave until she was sure Clarke was there to close and lock it behind her. As soon as the lock clicked in place something changed in Lexa. She knew Finn was somewhere in her house but she had the advantage of knowing the intricacies of the old home. 

She knew a flashlight would only give her location away to Finn and since she knew every turn and corner in the house, she figured she had the advantage in the dark. 

She moved down the hallways quietly, her gun raised and ready to act if she caught sight of him.

A creak from the kitchen caught her attention instantly, she knew exactly what had caused the sound. There was a loose floorboard in the floor that groaned when you stepped directly on it. 

It was possible to peer into the kitchen from the living room so Lexa slowly made her way there but Finn wasn’t anywhere to be seen. All she could spot in the dark was broken glass on the floor from the window that sat above the kitchen sink.

The hole was clearly big enough for a person to have passed through making Lexa grip her gun tighter.

She moved through the kitchen into the dining room, assuming he had passed through the rooms. She checked around as best she could before stepping through the doorway. 

Nothing appeared out of place on first glance. What she could never have seen in the pitch black was Finn hiding behind the large cabinet that held all of her grandmother’s old dinnerware. 

She unknowingly stepped right passed him while she continued to search the room. She never saw him step out from his hiding spot and slowly approach her. 

Lexa froze as she felt the incredibly familiar shape of a barrel of a gun dig into her back.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting to do this.” The pressure against her back disappeared as Finn brought the gun back and slammed it into the back of her head, knocking her to the ground, her gun skidding out of her reach. “I’m going to make you regret ever taking my wife away from me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So they finally got their shit together but you had to know it wasn't going to last. I thought it was really important to give Clarke the chance to figure out what she was feeling towards Lexa before anything happened. 
> 
> Comment to let me know what you think. Chapter 16 is almost done already, flood my inbox with comments for this chapter and maybe you'll see it quicker than you think.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for this chapter include: graphic descriptions of violence, abuse, and homophobic comments. Always take care of your mental health first before you read anything hard.
> 
> Has everyone seen the cover art Turtleduckie did for this story? If not, why are you still sitting here reading when you could be looking at it. It's on my Tumblr, I'll even reblog it for you so it's right near the top. Go, I'll wait here. Yeah, yeah, I know, you want to know what happened to Lexa but this is some amazing art.

Lexa was only seventeen years old when Gustus Woods was killed in the line of duty. He had gone to work like any other day. With a kiss on Julia’s cheek he left with promises to Lexa that they would watch some TV together when he got home. There was a big football game on that Lexa knew he was so excited to watch.

He always made time a few days a week to have father daughter time with her. Whether it be watching a game together or going out driving around on his Harley. His job always kept him really busy but he would always make time for her.

Her dad was always her hero, he showed her how to be a good cop and how to carry herself with dignity. He showed her how to properly honor her badge and wear it with pride.

Lexa was proud to tell everyone that her dad was a cop and she dressed up just like him for Halloween for five years straight. 

The memory of her father’s partner coming to their door to inform them of what happened and how brave he'd been would forever be burned into her brain. She could never forget that utter pain and heartbreak on his face when he explained that her dad had died saving everyone else.

They had gone to serve a warrant but had been ambushed before anyone knew what was going on. 

“He threw himself in front of me and the other guys, we all would have gone down if it weren’t for him. Your dad was a hero, Lexa, he saved all of us. Please know that we all loved your dad very much, he was the best cop on our team. We will always honor his memory.”

Lexa had been presented with his badge at his funeral while her mom got the ceremonial flag that had draped his casket. Lexa always kept the badge close to her heart, it was a piece of her dad that could always be with her. When she graduated the academy, she got special permission to get pinned with her father’s badge instead of the plain one all of the graduates normally got. 

Now the badge sat in a frame in her room for safe keeping and the number engraved on it was mirrored on her own badge. She had made a special request that Kane was happy to approve. Lexa’s badge number would always be the same as her dad’s.

When she graduated the academy she had been offered two different jobs, one in her hometown of Bakersfield and the one she was currently working. All she wanted at that point was to be in Bakersfield with her mom but she felt like she needed to forge her own path. 

It was hard to carry on without the man whose steps she was supposed to be following in but Lexa found her way.

If she had taken the job in Bakersfield she would always just be Gustus’s daughter, she'd never be able to make a name for herself outside of him. 

She never regretted moving away from her mom, especially not when she was making a name for herself and succeeding here. It had been hard at first, she had never lived by herself, let alone three hours away from the only home she had ever known.

Lexa had never doubted her ability as a cop, despite how hard it was to continue on after her dad passed. She had never been afraid that she would meet the same fate as him, she accepted long ago that it was a possibility and she never gave it another thought. 

She had always believed that she was born to protect and serve the people of her town, she felt like she was more than capable of honoring her father’s legacy. 

When Clarke’s case fell on her desk months ago, Lexa felt like she owed it to everyone involved to see the case through and bring Finn to justice. She had no initial personal connection to the case, she strictly just wanted to be a good cop and do right by Clarke and Emma. She could never have predicted how important they would end up being to her. 

It was people like Finn that made Lexa certain she was doing the right thing with her life. It was monsters that thought they were above the law, that thought they didn’t have to abide by laws like everyone else. 

It was moments like this, where she lay on the ground bleeding from where he had struck her with the gun, that she knew no matter what she had chosen the right thing to do with her life. If she could stop Finn from ever being able to hurt someone like this again then she was doing the right thing. Then she was really honoring her father’s legacy.

Lexa could never have imagined she’d be in this situation when she made the choice to be a cop. She was supposed to be prepared at all times but right now, she was anything but prepared.

Her head felt incredibly heavy and sore, there was a loud ringing in her ears that she tried her best to shake off. The darkness in the room combined with the throbbing in her head made it impossible make out anything except abstract shapes around the room.

She was incredibly vulnerable right now and she knew he was going to take advantage of that. She reached around blindly for her gun, gasping when she felt Finn step on the hand that was seeking out her gun. 

Lexa didn't notice that his ankle was devoid of the tracking monitor that should have been there. Instead the monitor sat broken at his house, a few dollars thrown at the right crooked cop had made sure he never needed to wear it. 

“You won't be needing that gun anymore, deputy.” He sneered down at her, pressing enough weight against her hand to snap at least two of her fingers. They made a sickening crunch under his boots that instantly made her feel nauseous. 

She bit back the emotion bubbling up to the surface, not giving Finn the satisfaction to know he was hurting her.

“I'm going to make you wish you were never released from jail, you motherfucker.” Lexa sneered up and pulled her hand out from under his boot. She felt like gagging when she saw one of her fingers pointing the wrong direction but she knew she had more important things to focus on. 

Finn let out a menacing laugh at that and leaned down to grip Lexa's hair and pull her head up. Her vision wavered from the sudden jerk but she steadied herself quickly. She wasn't going to let him win this easily. 

“You won't live long enough to follow through with that empty threat. I’ve waited for weeks to do this. I’ve watched you and my wife play house with my daughter. I’ve watched you get comfortable with my family and I’ve waited. I knew your schedule, I knew the best way in and out of this house. I knew when those cops were going to be outside watching and when they weren’t. You were all stupid enough to make it easy for me.” 

Lexa wanted to scream out in frustration. She had thought she was doing everything right keeping Clarke at her house, she thought having the cruiser outside and being vigilant would be enough. Clearly she was wrong.

But what she wasn’t wrong about what the type of man Finn was.

Lexa knew men like Finn, they thought they were they were invincible so they left themselves vulnerable to attacks. Lexa knew Finn thought the blow to her head had incapacitated her enough to not have to worry about her retaliating. He thought that breaking her fingers would break her spirit. 

But Lexa wasn't Finn's typical victim, she knew how to fight back. She knew that leaning over someone the way he was leaning over her now left his entire lower half vulnerable. 

“Do you want to know what I’m going to do with you, deputy? I’m going to make sure you feel pain like you’ve never felt before. I'm going to show you just how fun it is to have one thousand volts of electricity pass through you.” Finn gripped her hair harder. He knew her taser had to be somewhere in the house, he would find it and show her just how much fun it was. 

“Then I’m going to use your own gun and shoot you but that first shot won’t be the kill shot. I’m going to start with each leg. You won't be needing those kneecaps anymore anyway. Your arms will be next. I'll make sure to save the best shot for last. I'll find those big arteries when I think you've suffered enough and shoot those so you can bleed out.” Finn pressed the barrel of the gun against the top of her arm where Lexa knew a major artery sat underneath.

“Then, I’m going to find my wife and make her pay for ever thinking it was okay to leave me. She belongs to me, she’s done playing house with you dirty lesbian. But don’t worry, I’ll be sure to straighten her right out.”

Lexa knew this was her best opportunity. Finn was being too cocky, he was expecting her to just sit there and let him monologue at her. But Lexa wasn’t a powerless victim, she wasn’t going to listen to him anymore. 

She managed to kick her leg out enough to swipe his legs and send Finn tumbling to the ground, his head cracking hard off the ground. She lunged for his gun while he was still recovering, knowing she needed to catch him off guard before he could overpower her. 

They fought for a while, Lexa kicking him as much as she could but never landing anything that would throw him off. They fought against each other, the gun waving around erratically until it went off. Neither was sure who pulled the trigger, they both had their hands all over the gun.

The gun sent an errant bullet into the ceiling just over Lexa’s head. The noise and action shocked her enough to give him the chance overpower her and slam her head against the wall to throw her off again. 

Finn was quicker than Lexa anticipated and she was slowed from the pain the blow to her head caused. He was up and grabbing her before she could find her bearings again. He threw her down against one of the chairs from the dining room table and quickly moved out of the way when she immediately tried to kick him. 

“That was pathetic.” He taunted.

Finn took the gun again and slammed it into the side of her head, making her head spin her enough to give him the chance to find something to tie her up with. 

Lexa’s head was throbbing as she heard Finn searching around the room for something. She tried to get to her feet again but the dizziness that hit her sent her right back onto her ass. She searched the room for her gun again but her vision was blurry and she couldn’t make anything out in the dark.

Lexa threw herself off the chair, determined to find her gun before Finn came back. She had to crawl around in the darkness, searching every surface she encountered but she couldn’t seem to find it.

She heard something crash to the ground followed by Finn approaching her again. 

“Where exactly are you trying to go?” Finn grabbed her by the hair and lifted her up, not caring that he was practically pulling her hair out of her head. “Don’t make this harder for me, it’ll make it more painful for you.”

He threw her in to the chair again before he knelt down behind her and pulled her arms behind her back, forcing them both into a painful stretch. Something sharp was bound around her hands tightly. 

“Hopefully that hurts a lot. All I could find was some razor while, that should hold you well.”

Finn moved in front of her again, pressing his gun against her forehead and forcing her head back so she had to look up at him.

“Now, are you going to tell me where I can find that taser of yours or do I need to beat the information out of you?

“Go fuck yourself.” Lexa spit right in his face, only succeeding at pissing him off more.

“Well, your choice is clear.” Finn placed his gun down behind him for now and brought his fist back to slam into her stomach. He punched her three times, each harder than the last before gripping her hair again and pulling her head up.

“Gonna talk yet?” 

“Gonna go fuck yourself yet?” She didn’t care how much he beat her, she wasn’t going to tell him anything.

Finn laughed and punched her again, this time right against her cheek. Her head snapped to the side but he gripped her hair and pulled her face forward again.

She spit out the blood that accumulated in her mouth, smirking when it landed right against his boots. 

“You want me to be scared of you but I know you’re just a scared little boy, emphasis on the word little. Probably with lots of daddy issues. What was it, did daddy beat you when you were younger? Did he do something worse? Is that why you need to beat up on helpless woman, to make you feel better? Because you could never beat up your big tough daddy?” 

Lexa's comments got her another two vicious blows to her other cheek and one final punch to her stomach that made her cough up more blood. She knew it was pissing him off more and more but it was a tactic she was deploying on purpose. She was buying herself time to get her arms free. 

“You know, I’ve always thought you were pretty stupid, this just proves it.” Finn grabbed his gun and pressed it into her leg just above her knee. It was the perfect spot to permanently injure her leg and they both knew it. “Last chance.”

Lexa continued to work on pulling her hands free of the binds he tied her with. The wire was cutting painfully into her wrists, she could feel blood seeping down her hands from where the wire was slicing her but she knew she had no choice but to push through. 

What Finn had neglected to think about was how determined Lexa was to protect Clarke. She knew if she let Finn beat her he would end up hurting Clarke and she just wasn’t going to let that happen. She didn’t care what ended up happening to her if it meant Clarke was safe. 

If she was going down, she was taking Finn with her. 

Lexa managed to maneuver the wire enough to find where he had tied it together and she painstakingly undid the knot, gritting her teeth when the wire cut into her fingers as she gripped it.

Just as Finn started to pull the trigger on the gun to shoot her in the leg, Lexa got her hands free. She pushed to her feet quickly and charged at him again, spearing him hard enough to smash his back into the large dinnerware cabinet he had been hiding behind previously. The glass windows broke into tiny pieces, slicing both of them with glass as it fell.

The noise from all the glass breaking and all the plates shattering to the ground was deafening, there way no way her neighbors hadn't heard that commotion. 

She dug the wire into his neck, watching as it pierced his skin from the pressure she was putting behind it. 

Finn’s gun landed somewhere across the room, out of reach of both of them. He had pieces of glass dug hard into his back but it didn’t stop him.

As the wire continued to pierce his neck, Finn grabbed a handful of the broken glass and smashed it into Lexa’s face. She screamed out in pain and fell back, the wire falling from her hands. She tried in vain to wipe away the glass off her face but the action only served to dig the glass into her skin deeper. He had just barely missed her eye but it felt like the entire side of her face was being burned.

“That was really fucking dumb.” Finn didn’t let up at all, he grabbed a large slice of the broken window and moved to stand over Lexa.

“Funny, I was thinking the same thing about you.”

“I think it’s about time you gave up this pathetic attempt at fighting back.” Finn brought the glass back before lunging forward to stab her with it. Lexa saw the attack coming and managed to move quick enough to avoid it. 

The glass landed against the wooden floor just beside her shoulder, if he had connected it would have sliced her throat right open.

She brought her knee up and bashed him right in the groin, making him drop the glass. It shattered to the ground as he crumpled next to it. Lexa pulled herself to her feet again and spotted her gun across the room. 

The best chance she had right now was to get her gun and end this once and for all. Finn was stronger than her and eventually that would catch up to her. She needed to finish him off before he could do something to finish her.

Lexa moved as fast she could possibly manage to get to the gun. She had almost reached it when Finn grabbed her foot and pulled it back, sending her down to the ground again, this time on her stomach. She screamed out in frustration and kicked at Finn’s hand until her foot was free again. 

The gun was just barely out of reach now and she continued to push herself forward until she got her hand around it. Finn saw her grab the gun and launched himself at her, knocking it out of her hand again, just out of her reach before she could turn it on him.

Lexa tried to turn and throw Finn off but he pressed his entire body down against hers so she couldn’t move. 

He wrapped his forearm around her throat and pulled back hard enough to strain her back and cut off her airway. 

“I didn’t quite get to finish what I started last time. Since you want to be so difficult I might as well just end this now.” Finn growled into her ear and pulled her back even harder. Her back was so strained at an awkward angle she felt like it was going to snap.

“The quicker I can get rid of you the quicker I can get what's rightfully mine. Maybe I’ll reserve all those fun plans I had for you and use them on her. She does need to be taught a very serious lesson. What do you think? I think I’m going to have to beat some obedience back into her.”

Lexa was powerless to get out of this and she knew it instantly. Finn had his entire weight on her back holding her down. There was no taser this time and her gun was just out of her reach. No one seemed to be coming to her rescue this time. 

She didn’t know what to do to stop him from killing her. 

Black spots started filling up her vision as her body struggled to function with no air. She thrashed around as hard as she could but he was just too strong. Nothing in her training had prepared her to get out of this situation. 

Every avoidance tactic she knew from self-defense classes was blocked by the way Finn was holding her down. Her legs could barely bend enough to kick him and her arms couldn’t reach Finn to gouge his eyes or scratch him to get him off. 

Finn was going to kill her. He was going to kill her then he was going to find Clarke and hurt her worse than he ever had before. 

Lexa had promised she’d protect Clarke and she was about to break that promise. 

With the last bit of energy Lexa had left she tried to throw her elbow into his head but her strength was just too depleted. The blow only made him laugh. 

“I do love it when you struggle. I should have known this would be the best way to end your miserable life, I should have done it this way the first time around.”

Lexa felt like a thousand different thoughts were flashing through her mind, all the possibilities that she’d never be able to see come to fruition were running rampant in her head. 

She’d never be able to see Emma grow up, something she wanted to do so badly. That little girl had taken up a huge piece of her heart, that piece shattered when she realized she was going to leave Emma. It broke her to know the little girl would never understand why Lexa was suddenly gone.

She'd never be able to teach Emma the same things her parents had taught her, she’d never be able to show her all the things she’d promised the little girl she would. She’d never be able to even watch her turn four. 

She'd never be able to tell her mom that she loved her one last time. Her mom had already lost so much, it felt so unfair that she was going to lose Lexa now, too. She could only pray her mom would be okay without her, she hoped her and Clarke could stay close.

She’d never be able to grow old in her house with her wife by her side and a whole bunch of kids running around. That memory had changed recently, she had started to picture Clarke there next to her. It felt cruel that suddenly that possibility was just gone.

She’d never be able to tell Clarke she was so sorry she failed her.

So many possibilities seemed wasted now and it broke her heart. It all felt so unfair, she finally found her happiness, she finally found the soul her own had been searching years for and it was all for nothing. 

Lexa didn’t know how to accept that this was how things were going to end for her but she couldn’t find a way out of this. She felt like she was letting her dad down, he had gone out as a hero, she was so far from that right now.

On the edge of passing out, Lexa had one thought pervading all the rest. 

She’d never get to tell Clarke that she was in love with her. It struck her as depressing that she was only able to realize the true depth of her feelings now that she’d never be able to do anything about it.

The only thing she could hope for in this moment was that her coworkers would get to Finn before he could get to Clarke, they had to be close by now. She had hoped they'd save her as well but it was clear now that it was too late. 

Things were starting to fade completely to black for Lexa when the gunshot rang out. Her body fell limp to the ground as Finn suddenly released her with a yell of pain. Behind them, Clarke sat frozen with Finn’s gun in her trembling hands still pointed right at Finn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few of you seemed to guess what was going to happen. I'll explain more in the next chapter but I thought it was incredibly important for Clarke to prove to herself she wasn't a victim anymore.
> 
> Comment to let me know what you think, if you liked it or not. And please, if you haven't seen the artwork for Rescue Me yet go check it out on my tumblr @bradypop.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone for your patience between updates.

It was a Wednesday evening in the middle of summer when Clarke’s realized what kind of man she married. Dinner had long since been over, Finn was off in the living room with his beer watching some basketball game. Clarke knew he expected her to cuddle up next to him and sit quietly to watch whatever he had on TV. 

Clarke was taking care of cleaning up the kitchen, something she had to do before she could relax in the living room with Finn. She started to take longer and longer to get it done as spending time with Finn became less and less appealing.

After two years of marriage, Clarke was starting to understand the way Finn wanted things to be done but he was always more than happy to remind her in case it slipped her mind. 

It could easily be shrugged off as Finn just wanting things to be done correctly. He’d grown up with maids and butlers taking care of everything for him, he was just passing off those expectations to her. 

Clarke found herself justifying a lot of what Finn did to her lately. More often that not there was something he was correcting and Clarke just had to find a way to justify it. She didn’t know why she continued to let him get away with it, she supposed it was just easier to do what she needed to make him happy. 

Clarke should have been paying better attention, Finn had always demanded she focus on her task at hand. If she hadn’t been looking out the window at some birds that were flying free in the backyard she would have noticed the dish she had been washing starting to slip out of her hand.

But unfortunately, Clarke’s attention was elsewhere. She didn’t notice the dish slipping out of her soapy hands. The loud crash it made as it landed in pieces in the sink made her jump.

“What the hell was that?” Clarke tried to clean up the pieces before Finn could make his way into the kitchen and see what she had done. But all her hasty movements were in vain, Finn was looking over her shoulder before she could even gather up all the big pieces.

“How many times do I have to tell you to pay attention to what you’re doing?” Finn asked before pushing Clarke out of the way. 

She’d notice his change in the last few months, he would get a little more physical with her. It was never anything drastic, maybe gripping her wrist a little too hard or pinching at her stomach when she changed in front of him. 

So the last thing Clarke was expecting was for Finn to turn and slap her right across the face when he pushed her away from the sink. Her hand flew to her cheek, shock and pain hitting her hard all at once. 

There was no way that really happened, he had to have slipped. He had never hit her before, he never gave her any indication that he would ever do something like that before. But the pain in her cheek wasn’t from her imagination. 

It was real. 

He really hit her.

“Now, if you would just do as I asked I wouldn’t have to do things like that anymore. I don’t ask a lot of you, why can’t you just do as I ask?” Finn knew how to lay on guilt, he knew exactly how to make Clarke feel like she was the only one that didn’t anything wrong.

“I’m sorry, Finn, it was an accident. It won’t happen again.” Clarke didn’t know what else to say, the anger didn’t seem to be disappearing from his face. 

“It better not.” Finn stepped back and motioned for Clarke to start cleaning up the mess she’d made. He watched her every move, making sure she did everything to his specification now. 

It was the first time he really hit her but it was far from the last. 

That night Clarke dreamed of another life she should have been living. She dreamed of Finn returning to the charming man he was previously. She dreamed of the happy sweet man she had fallen in love with.

That dream faded away over the years as it became clear that version of Finn was never returning. Instead, Clarke started dreaming of a life where she had never met Finn Collins. 

When Lexa Woods walked into the hospital room Finn had put her in after she overcooked his steak, Clarke had no idea what kind of an affect the deputy would have on her life. She could never have predicted that Lexa would make that long standing dream come true.

When Lexa walked out of her bedroom into the dark house with only her gun to protect her, Clarke learned just how much fear she was truly capable of feeling. She knew Lexa still wasn’t one hundred percent after her last run in with Finn. 

She prayed that no matter what, no matter what Finn planned, Lexa was strong enough to protect herself. 

The gunshot had made her tremor with fear, she could only pray that it had been Finn that was on the end of the bullet. She wanted to run out there and see what was going on, to see if she could help, but panic and fear left her sitting on the floor against the wall. She felt hidden there, she felt safer.

Clarke had stayed locked in Lexa’s room until she heard the loud crash that was Finn slamming into the cabinet. She heard glass shattering followed by Lexa yelling out in what sounded like pain. 

She'd been trying to talk herself through a panic attack, everything felt like it was too much. But hearing Lexa’s yell of pain unfroze her panicked mind. 

She was terrified Finn had done something to hurt Lexa. No one knew what Finn was capable of more than Clarke, she was so scared he'd do something to Lexa and it would be all her fault. She’d never forgive herself if Lexa got seriously hurt or worse while she just sat there and did nothing. 

Finn had left her a powerless victim for far too long. Clarke had a life without him now, she knew what it felt like to be cared for. She knew what it felt like to really love. 

She knew how much Lexa had already done to protect her and Emma, maybe now she needed to return the favor. Maybe Lexa had shown her the strength that lay dormant inside of her all along. 

She needed to do something, she needed to show herself that she wasn't his victim anymore. If Lexa was in trouble, she needed to help. 

Calling 911 just didn’t seem like enough, she felt like she owed it to Lexa to do something more. So she made the call before grabbing a flashlight and heading out of the room. She had no idea what she was walking into but she couldn’t let it stop her anymore.

The house seemed eerily quiet and it scared her. If they were quiet it could mean that one of them was dead. Clarke could only hope that someone was Finn. 

She couldn't tell exactly where they were but the broken glass in the kitchen seemed to give her a good starting point. As she walked through the living room into the kitchen she heard another crash come from the dining room. 

Clarke had no idea what she had been expecting when she found them in the dining room but seeing Finn on top of Lexa, choking her out, certainly wasn’t it. Clarke froze at first, seeing Finn paralyzed her from fear. 

Clarke hadn’t witnessed what Finn had done to Lexa the first time but the bruises all along her neck certainly gave her a pretty good idea. This seemed so much worse, Lexa was bent at an awkward angle with Finn’s forearm tight around her neck. Lexa didn’t appear to be fighting back which scared Clarke more than anything.

Lexa was the strongest person she knew, maybe not physically, but mentally she was. Her spirit and will could move mountains. But this, this seemed so weak. Finn had literally beaten that spirit and will right out of Lexa. 

All the awful memories from their ten years together came rushing back, from that first slap to the last punch, it all hit her hard. She knew he was capable of really hurting her, he was capable of terrifying things that she never wanted to think about again.

And clearly he was capable of taking down a highly trained cop who had been armed with a gun. Clarke could only imagine what Finn would do to her if he had the chance. 

Doubt clouded her mind instantly, she could never stop him. He was always going to be stronger, tougher, more controlling than her. She was stupid to think she could do anything against him. 

But then Lexa let out a low groan that sounded painful and weak and suddenly Clarke didn't care that Finn was more powerful than her. All she could think in that moment was about possibly losing Lexa. 

Clarke knew if she didn't stop Finn he was going to kill Lexa and come for her next. She could only be thankful that Emma was safely away from all this mess with Lincoln and Octavia, if this ended badly for everyone at least now Emma would be safe. 

The gun that lay near the doorway caught Clarke’s eyes. She was always scared of guns, she hated being around them. The only thing they were capable of in her opinion was creating pain and suffering. 

But this was for Lexa. This was for the woman that saved her life and gave her a chance to feel human again. This was for the future she desperately wanted to have with her. Clarke couldn't let Finn take anything else away from her, not when she could finally stop him. 

Clarke grabbed the gun and aimed it right at Finn. She didn't think about anything other than all the pain he had caused her for so long. She wasn't his victim anymore, she never would be again. 

Clarke thought about all Lexa had done for her, how she had already sacrificed so much to ensure Clarke was safe. If Lexa was willing to die protecting Clarke, the least Clarke could do was make sure that didn’t happen. Now it was her turn to make sure Lexa was safe. 

With the gun gripped tight in her hand Clarke aimed for Finn as best she could and pulled the trigger. She jumped back at the loud sound and the recoil that sent waves up her arms but her eyes never left Finn.

Finn instantly released Lexa and slumped forward with a yell of pain. Blood bloomed just under his right shoulder, hopefully not in the right spot to kill him. Not that he didn't deserve to die, she just didn't want to commit murder. 

Her hands trembled horribly and she let the gun drop to the ground. The loud clang it made shook Clarke from her daze. 

She rushed forward and kicked Finn off of Lexa. He groaned out in pain, letting Clarke know that she hadn't killed him. Yet at least. 

She shook just being this close to him again but she forced herself to turn her attention to Lexa who still wasn’t moving.

She flipped Lexa over onto her back as carefully as she possibly could and leaned down over her. 

Clarke leaned her head down to listen for Lexa’s breathing which thankfully she heard instantly. Her steady heartbeat was easy to hear as well, making it much easier for Clarke to breathe at this point. 

It broke Clarke's heart to see all the glass buried in the skin on her face. She knew that had to be incredibly painful. 

“Lexa, please, can you hear me? Lexa?” Clarke tried to wipe all the glass from Lexa's face but so much of it appeared to be dug in. Clarke managed to get the bigger pieces out but had to leave the smaller pieces for a doctor to remove. 

"Lexa, please, open your eyes for me." Clarke begged and jumped when she felt Finn reach out and place a hand on her arm. She pushed back from him, putting herself completely in front of Lexa.

“I’m going to kill you, you fucking bitch.” Finn grit out, in clear pain. He was barely moving at this point, his entire right side didn’t appear to be cooperating with him. He wasn’t the scary monster that she saw in her nightmares right now. He wasn’t the powerful man that had her under his thumb. 

He was weak. 

He was damaged.

She was finally stronger. 

Clark noticed a piece of wood from the broken cabinet sitting on the floor near them and she reacted even before she could think. 

She grabbed the wood and swung it hard enough to get him right in the head and knock him out. The wood fell to the ground and Clarke immediately turned back to Lexa. 

It brought her so much satisfaction to see him crumble under her touch. He deserved so much worse but at least now he would hopefully be back in jail for good. Clarke would enjoy that satisfaction later.

Clarke felt like everything was a whirlwind after that. The front door burst open not even minutes later and cops stormed into the house, their guns raised and ready to shoot Finn if they needed to. 

Murphy found them first, his focus went to Finn first before hurrying to Lexa's side when he saw that Finn was out cold. 

“Is she okay? What did he do?”

“He was choking her again, I.. I stopped him before he could.. he was going to kill her..”

Clarke felt panic start to take hold of her, between Lexa laying there unconscious and what she had done to Finn she felt like she was going to pass out. It was really starting to set in that she’d actually shot someone. A well deserved someone but still.

“You did good, Clarke. You shot him in the shoulder, he's not going to die. Let's just focus on getting Lexa to the hospital. She needs you to focus now.”

Murphy seemed to know Clarke was struggling, it had to be written on her face. Drawing her attention completely back to Lexa and her pain was more than enough to get Clarke back to functioning. 

It took everything in Clarke to focus all of her energy on the present but Lexa's wellbeing was at stake and it was way too important to mess up because Clarke was panicking. 

Miller and Jackson ran into the room next, their flashlights finally illuminating the room fully. 

"Ambulance is five out, is she okay?”

Jackson took care of handcuffing Finn and hauling him out of the room while Miller joined them at Lexa’s side. He immediately checked her pulse and breathed out a sigh of relief when he felt a strong pulse under his fingers. 

Lights started to flicker back on as the cops outside were able to get to the main switch and turn it back on. Finn hadn’t cut the main power line, thankfully, he just switched it off.

“I don't know.. She won't wake up..” Clarke continued to painstakingly clean the glass from her face, feeling useful enough to keep her panic at bay. The lights finally showed just how much damage Finn had done. 

There was some swelling all around the glass, it was clear he had punched her more than once, but thankfully nothing seemed irreparably damaged. 

Clarke started to look over her stomach and chest, knowing from first hand experience that Finn loved to use those specific spots as punching bags. She could see some bruising near her stomach but nothing near her ribs. 

If Lexa could avoid having broken ribs like Clarke did, she would be lucky and they all knew it. 

The trauma to her fingers stood out as soon as Clarke’s eyes fell to her hand. She felt like she could be sick as her eyes caught the fingers bent in the wrong direction. She gently grabbed Lexa’s wrist and moved it to rest on her chest, wanting to cushion it as much as she could until it could be properly bandaged.

“Come on, Woods, time to stop being a stubborn ass. Open your eyes.” Murphy pressed against her shoulder, trying to urge her awake. 

“She's not an ass.” Clarke snapped at Murphy with a hard glare for even insinuating anything bad about Lexa. “She's amazing and sweet and she sacrificed herself again to save me. Don't you dare say anything bad about her.”

Murphy held his hands up and looked ashamed. He’d never seen fire like that out of Clarke before, he could honestly say it was a little scary.

“Okay, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to be a jerk, we always joke around. I won't do it again.”

Clarke lost interest in Murphy’s apology when she heard Lexa let out a quiet groan and start to move around again. 

“Lexa, can you hear me? You’re going to be okay, you’re safe now.” Clarke didn’t even realize she was mirroring the same words Lexa had spoken to her all those nights ago.

Clarke reached her hand under Lexa’s head to help support it off the hard ground. She felt her stomach drop when she realized she was touching blood in Lexa’s hair. 

Lexa’s eyes opened slowly, shocking everyone squatting around her. The whites of her eyes were more red than white showing just how hard Finn was gripping her neck and how close he had been to killing her. 

Clarke’s eyes filled with tears as the damage Finn had caused was even more visible. 

“You’re okay..” Lexa breathed out when she finally set her eyes on Clarke. Her voice was weak and scratchy, her throat throbbed from the trauma. 

She was confused at first, she was sure she was dead but Clarke just looked so real. Her good hand trembled as she brought it up to gently cup Clarke’s cheek. She even felt so real.

But she could only seem to remember saying goodbye to her chance. She remembered thinking that it was all over. She couldn’t seem to get her mind around the fact that she wasn’t really dead.

But god, if she was dead, Clarke was just as beautiful in heaven.

“I’m okay and so are you.” Clarke placed her hand over Lexa’s and clasped their fingers together.

“What.. What happened.. He was on top of me.. I thought, I thought I was going to…”

Clarke shook her head vehemently. 

“You’re going to be okay, Finn’s never going to be able to hurt you again.”

“Your girl saved your ass, Woods. She shot him.” Murphy explained, causing Lexa to finally look around and see the other two deputies around her as well. 

It took a minute for Lexa to really understand what Murphy had said. She was still stuck trying to wrap her head around the fact that she wasn’t dead. 

Clarke had saved her. 

Clarke had shot Finn and saved her life.

She had no idea what to do in that moment, she wanted to say so many things but there just didn’t seem to be enough words in the English language to fit how she was feeling. 

She vaguely remembered Clarke struggling to find words to thank Lexa the first time around, she felt like she completely understood the feeling now.

Instead of struggling to find words anymore, Lexa pulled Clarke close and hugged her tight. Everything in her hurt but holding Clarke like this made her feel invincible. 

“I love you.” The words were barely a whisper between them, her voice weak and gravely from the trauma.

Lexa had resigned herself to the fact that she’d die before she could tell Clarke how she felt. Now that she was alive, thanks to Clarke, she wasn’t going to waste another second waiting. She didn’t even care that Clarke might not return her feelings, she needed to tell her.

Clarke pulled back when she heard the hoarse whisper and stared down at Lexa, trying to decide if she had really heard her right. Lexa had tears tracing down her cheeks and her face was starting to swell from all the glass but Clarke could see the raw emotion in Lexa’s eyes. 

“I love you.” Lexa repeated, her voice more sure and resolute.

“I love you, too.” Clarke didn’t doubt for a second that her words were the truth. 

It didn’t take almost losing Lexa to make her realize she loved her. 

It didn’t take being faced with never being able to see her again to make her realize it.

It didn’t even take Lexa sacrificing her own wellbeing for Clarke’s.

The feeling that Lexa brought deep down inside her, the deep pervading warmth that Lexa’s presence created, showed Clarke just how much she loved her. Lexa made Clarke feel whole, feel human, feel worthy. She was never something to be controlled in Lexa’s eyes, she was an equal. 

The last time Finn had been taken away in handcuffs Lexa had felt like they were only just scratching the surface of their battle with him. Now, as she held tightly to Clarke’s hand while the ambulance took her to the hospital to get checked over, Lexa fight like the fight was finally over. 

They would still have the trial to deal with and it would be even more complicated now that Clarke had shot him but they would be dealing with it together, that was all the difference. They loved each other, they could start working towards building their future together now. 

Everything else was just white noise.

It took Lexa almost a week after she was discharged from the hospital to start feeling like a normal human again. 

Somehow she’d walked away from the night with only two broken fingers, a trachea that was slightly more bruised than last time, and quite a few stitches to her face where the glass had cut her. Everyone kept telling her she was lucky, one inch to the left and she could have lost her eye.

Lexa didn’t really like to think of herself as lucky, she saw herself as a failure more than anything.

Lexa had promised Clarke that she could keep her safe and, although nothing had happened to Clarke, Lexa had still failed. Something awful could have happened and she did absolutely nothing to prevent it.

That was the hardest part to recover from. The cuts and bruises and stitches were nothing, physical pain could be quelled in one way or another. But the mental pain she dealt with every single time she thought about letting Clarke down wasn’t so quick to ease.

Lexa was currently sitting on the couch with Emma resting against her side while they both watched an episode of Doc McStuffins. Most of it was pretty lost on Lexa, it wasn’t really her type of show but Emma was enthralled and that was more than enough for her.

Clarke was off somewhere in the house, taking care of one thing or another. Lexa was positive Clarke hadn’t sat still for more than five minutes in the past week. She was always taking care of everything before Lexa could even think about doing it.

Lexa knew most of it was because she felt guilty, but part of Clarke seemed to be freer. The weight of constantly looking over her shoulder from Finn was finally gone. 

He was back in jail, his bail revoked and more charges drawn up against him. A judge had already thrown out his lawyer’s attempt to press charges against Clarke for shooting him. They still had to get through a trial but everyone knew Finn was going to be in jail for a long time now.

Clarke and Emma doted on her despite the fact that she tried to do everything she could for herself. Her glass was never even half empty, practically as soon as she took a sip of whatever she was drinking one of them was running to get her a refill. 

Clarke fluffed pillows and cooked more food than a small army would be capable of eating.

It was sweet but it was slowly starting to drive her insane. Lexa needed to feel useful, she needed to find her way again. Right now she felt weak and insufficient and nothing seemed to be helping fix that issue.

Emma laughed at something she saw on the TV, drawing Lexa’s attention back to her. Emma looked up when she felt Lexa’s eyes on her and offered her a big smile.

“Lexa, can we go on a walk after this? O said I could help with the garden yesterday.” Lexa tried to remember when that conversation could have occurred but she was drawing a blank. 

There were quite a few blank moments in her memory of the last week, she found herself losing focus of what was going on around her pretty frequently. 

“When did you talk to Octavia?” Lexa asked, trying to piece her memory together.

“Mommy talked to her on the phone. Mommy said O said it.” Emma answered and looked up for the yes she knew was coming from Lexa. 

“It’s fine with me, you’ll have to check with your mom, though.” Lexa’s doctors had insisted that she should find a way to stay active while she healed so she already knew the answer would likely be yes.

Emma was running off to ask Clarke before Lexa even finished her response. Lexa pulled herself to sit up a little better, groaning at the soreness she still felt in her throat. 

She really couldn’t wait for that particular pain to go away, there really was only so much ice cream she could eat before she swore it off for the rest of her life. 

And while Emma was sweet to always share it with her after Clarke told her it would make Lexa’s throat feel better, Lexa really wanted to eat something else.

“You feeling good enough to walk down to Octavia’s?” Clarke asked as she came into the living room with a pillow in her hand in case Lexa needed it.

There were already four lined up on the couch to make sure Lexa was comfortable but that didn’t stop her from bringing another.

“Yeah, I’ll be good. It’s only a little bit longer than the walk we took yesterday and I’m sure there will be plenty of resting if I need it.” Lexa pulled herself to her feet and couldn’t help but smile when Clarke came over and wrapped her arms around her waist. 

“You seem better today.” 

Clarke’s observation was followed by a short kiss. Each kiss still felt like the first one all over again. Both girls still got the warm butterflies fluttering all along their stomachs that made them feel like giddy little girls. 

It was hard for Lexa to balance the guilt she felt about failing Clarke with the love she felt for the girl. If Clarke noticed the battle she was kind enough to not say anything and let Lexa work through it on her own. 

They were still working under the idea that they wouldn’t pressure the other to open up about whatever was on their minds. When Lexa was ready to talk to Clarke about what was weighing her mind down, Clarke was ready to listen.

They were still working on figuring out their relationship but little sweet gestures like this kiss were becoming commonplace. They made each battle inside Lexa’s mind seem easier and easier to handle.

“Why don’t you go get dressed for the walk then? I sent Emma off to get changed so I should probably go make sure her entire dresser isn’t all over the floor again.” Clarke offered but didn’t pull away just yet.

“You mean I can’t go like this?” Lexa smirked and glanced down at the mismatched pajamas she still had on from the night before. 

“I mean, if that makes you happy then sure. But you know Lincoln will rag on you for those shorts.” Clarke glanced down, too. She knew Lexa would never leave the house in bright yellow shorts with pink ducks all over them. They had been a special present from Emma when she got home from the hospital.

Lexa had worn them every night since, Clarke was more than happy to wash them so she could.

“Fair point. I’ll go change.” Clarke pulled her into another kiss before letting go so she could change.

By the time everyone was ready to go the sun was high in the sky and the temperatures had peeked right around ninety degrees. Clarke had a bag of waters packed for their short walk and was currently fighting a losing battle with Emma to get her to wear some sunscreen.

“Mommy it smells funny, I don’t like it.” 

Lexa heard the tail end of the argument and stepped up to Clarke to try to help.

“Do you think I can have some sunscreen? I want to make sure my skin is protected.” Lexa figured maybe showing Emma how much she wanted to wear it would convince her to try it for herself.

Clarke smiled at the idea and stood from her kneeling position to help Lexa apply it. She squeezed some onto her fingers and gently applied all around the stitches on her face, careful to avoid getting any on them. 

Once they finished Emma looked considerably more interested in having it put on her and she allowed Clarke and Lexa to apply some to her with no more fight.

Emma insisted that she needed to hold both of their hands on the walk so she stood between them and held tightly to both of their hands. The sheer domesticity of the action was lost on all of them, they were too happy to think anything into it. 

Lexa wasn’t worried about her guilt right now, all she cared about was hearing Emma giggle as they strolled together down the street.

Emma pulled away at one point and hurried over to the grass at the edge of the quiet street they were walking on the edge of. There were some wild flowers growing that had caught Emma’s attention. She hurried over and picked three before hurrying back to Lexa and Clarke. 

She handed one to each of them before pulling on Lexa’s hand so she would lean down so Emma could whisper something in her ear.

“Give this one to mommy from you.” Emma handed her the third flower and Lexa couldn’t help but melt slightly. Apparently if she lacked in the romance department Emma was more than happy to teach her the right way.

Lexa turned with a clear blush on her cheeks and handed the third flower to Clarke.

“This is for you.”

Clarke smiled down at Emma before taking the flower and rewarding both of them with kisses on the cheek.

Lexa leaned closer to Clarke once they resumed their walk and spoke quiet enough to ensure Emma didn’t hear her.

“She’s got more game than me.”

Clarke let out a laugh that lit up the faces of Emma and Lexa. It was such a contagious beautiful sound that none of them had heard nearly enough.

Lincoln and Octavia were outside playing with Redford when the girls arrived, Emma’s hands full of more flowers she had stopped to pick up on their way. Deacon was laying in a swing that sat between the two of them. 

His little face lit up when Lexa moved to say hi to him. She had been concerned that the damage on her face would have scared him but the little boy didn’t appear perturbed by her in the least.

“Hi cutie, are you enjoying the beautiful weather? Check out those awesome shorts, I bet someone super cool bought them for you.” Lexa leaned down and unbuckled him before lifting him into her arms.

“You bought them, didn’t you?” 

Lexa nodded at Clarke without looking away from the chubby cheeked little boy. 

“Yes I did, my godson has to be a stylish little dude.” Lexa adjusted Deacon around, careful to avoid the splint on her broken fingers. 

Clarke approached them and ran her finger over Deacon’s cheek until he smiled up at her. 

“He is such a cutie. Makes me miss when Emma was this small. She was just a smiley and happy as he is.”

“She’s still just as smiley and happy as he is.” Lexa pointed out, motioning to where Emma was sitting with Octavia playing in their garden. There were flowers all lined up to be planted and Emma was soaking in all the instructions Octavia was giving her.

“True.” 

Lincoln brought to patio chairs over so both of them could sit and still be able to watch Emma.

The six of them spent the good majority of the afternoon outside in the yard before retiring inside for some dinner that Clarke and Octavia cooked together.

Emma was in desperate need of a bath and Lexa could use a pain reliever or two but it felt so incredible to just be normal for a few hours. 

Lexa ended up needing to carry Emma home the little girl was so tired from all the excitement of the day she was practically asleep at the dinner table. Clarke had tried to insist that she could carry her but Lexa shook her off. 

“She only weighs twenty five pounds, I can manage just fine.”

So Lexa let the little girl sleep on her shoulder and held one hand under her butt and one on her back to keep her steady as they slowly strolled back to the house.

The much needed bath would have to wait til the next morning, neither girl wanted to wake Emma. When they got home they carefully changed her into pajamas and got her tucked into bed, with Pookie resting in his spot under her arm.

Lexa went to head back to the living room to watch a little TV but Clarke caught her hand and guided her down the hallway to her bedroom. 

“You need some medicine and to get into bed. You did a lot today, your body could really use the rest.” It took Clarke a long time to feel comfortable making suggestions like that to Lexa. She was always very hesitant in case it came across as her telling her what to do. 

But Lexa had reassured her time and again that Clarke’s voice was important, that her opinion mattered just as much as Lexa’s did. She wanted her to be comfortable voicing her opinion and over time she grew to be. 

“On one condition.”

Clarke raised her eyebrow, letting Lexa know she was listening.

“Get into comfy clothes and join me.”

Clarke couldn’t possibly turn down that offer. 

“I’ll be right back then. Get changed while I’m gone, I’ll bring back some of your pain meds.”

Lexa nodded and went to her dresser to grab clothes. She pulled out a tank top and a different pair of linen shorts before going back to the bed. She pulled the shorts on first and took a seat on the edge of the bed. She pulled her t-shirt off and glanced down at the bruising on her stomach just under the sports bra she had on. 

She couldn’t help that guilt from bubbling back up when she saw the evidence of how weak she had been. It didn’t matter that she had muscles visible when she was shirtless, those muscles had let her down.

Lexa lost herself in her thoughts, still unable to figure out how to move past the guilt she felt. It seemed impossible to ever overcome. 

Clarke noticed something seemed off about Lexa when she came back to the room so she hung back to observe for a minute. She knew Lexa had been struggling through something since the fight but she had been patient. When Lexa was ready to talk to her she’d listen. 

But a week had gone by and Lexa still seemed off. Clarke was torn between asking or letting it go until Lexa was ready.

She figured maybe she could give Lexa a gentle push to open up without forcing her hand. 

“Knock knock.” Clarke announced her presence causing Lexa to look up and force a smile on her face. 

“Sorry, I was just.. Yeah..” Lexa pulled her tank top on and moved to lie back on the bed instead of on the edge.

“I’ve got your meds, do you need some water?” Lexa shook her head and grabbed a water bottle from her bedside table and drowned the two pills. 

“Lay with me?” Clarke nodded and moved to get in the bed on the other side. 

They both drifted towards the middle of the bed and Clarke opened her arms for Lexa to lie against her chest. It was a definite role reversal, it was considerably more common for Lexa to be the one holding Clarke but neither denied how good it felt to switch roles every once and a while.

“You know I’m here for you, right? You can always talk to me about anything.” Clarke rubbed her hand over Lexa’s back.

“I know.”

“I can see something’s tearing you up. It always seems to help me when I talk to you about what’s bothering me.”

Lexa rested her head against Clarke’s chest and listened to the steady heartbeat she could hear. It grounded her. It made her feel real. It made the guilt inside her ease up.

She hadn’t lost Clarke despite the fact that she had failed to protect her.

“I promised you countless times that I’d protect you.” Lexa started and brought her hand up to play with the material of Clarke’s pajama shirt. “I brought you and Emma into my home and told you I would keep you safe. It was my job to protect you. But I was too weak. If you hadn’t stepped in he would have killed me and then come after you. How can you ever trust me again?”

Clarke pulled on her arm until she got Lexa to sit back and look up at her. 

“Do you have any idea how much you’ve done for me and Emma? Since I’ve moved in here you’ve cared for me, protected me, loved me, and healed me. You’ve done anything and everything you could to make this house into a home for us. And a week ago you walked out of that door knowing he was out there. You made me lock myself in here and went out there knowing he could be prepared to do something horrific.” 

Clarke placed a soft kiss on her lips to calm her emotions down. Bringing up the night was hard for her, too. She found pretty quickly that just about any bad emotion could be calmed with a small kiss from Lexa.

“So to answer your question, it’s incredibly easy to always trust you. I know you’d do anything to protect me and Emma. Finn has never fought fair, I don’t think for one second any of that was your fault. You’re the strongest person I know by far. You’re not weak at all. I’ve never thought for one second that you were even remotely weak.”

Lexa had tears in her eyes as she listened to Clarke speak. It wasn’t the words that necessarily hit her hard, though they were poignant and touching, it was the conviction and passion in Clarke’s voice that really spoke to Lexa.

“You don’t..” Lexa paused trying to figure out her thoughts. “You still feel safe here?”

Clarke nodded and cupped both of Lexa’s cheeks to gently wipe the tears from her eyes. 

“I have never felt safer anywhere else.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment to let me know what you think.


	18. Chapter 18

Another month passed by in what felt like a blink of an eye. In that month Lexa had healed to the point she was ready to start working again. Kane stayed true to his word, Lexa was going back to work with a new promotion and a whole lot more responsibility.

It meant more intensive training and a pretty significant bump in pay for her. 

Lexa took the opportunity very seriously, she dragged Lincoln to the gym with her every morning as soon as the doctors cleared her to resume her normal daily activities. Lexa found that getting back into working out was gave her a renewed sense of purpose.

She’d been lost for a long time, it was a battle every day to handle how awful she felt about losing to Finn. She was determined to get to a point where she was stronger and more powerful than she ever had been before.

It certainly didn’t hurt that Clarke seemed to really appreciate the transformation in her body as she lost the weight from all the baked goods and packed on more muscle and tone.

They hadn’t been intimate yet, there always seemed to be something that held them back. Lexa knew there was a really good chance Clarke had never had a positive sexual experience and she wanted so badly to make sure anything they did was good to make them happy. 

Lexa had been the one to initiate the majority of their kisses, she could sense how hesitant Clarke was initially. But Clarke found herself over time, she grew more sure of herself and slowly started to make the first move. 

But over time they've both started to grow more bold with their actions. 

Neither of them felt like they needed to rush into it, though. That wasn't to say that they weren't starting to get a little frustrated sexually, at least Lexa certainly was, but they knew it would happen when the time was right. 

They both knew they were still learning the little intricacies of each other. Nothing about their relationship had been normal, they were brought together under stressful terms and only now were they able to relax and start to really build their life together.

Not that there hadn’t been moments that they got so lost in each other they almost did go the whole way but Emma seemed to have a knack for interrupting them. Lexa discovered that was pretty much the only time she didn’t seem to have a hard time saying no to her.

Just last night Clarke had Lexa pinned to their bed, she’d given up even pretending to sleep in the guest room anymore, and was laying heated kisses all along Lexa’s neck. 

It was the first time Clarke had taken control of the situation and nothing turned Lexa on more than seeing Clarke go after what she wanted. 

Clarke had taken a liking to Lexa’s neck, neither mentioned the obvious reason why now that the bruises had finally disappeared. Clarke seemed to really like leaving her own little marks on Lexa’s neck and Lexa was not about to deny that it felt pretty freaking awesome. 

The first time Clarke had kissed along her neck Lexa had freaked out. It sent her right back to the moments Finn had pinned her down and choked her. But Clarke was patient and calm. She whispered quiet reassurances in Lexa’s ear until her heart rate returned to a calm level.

But last night there was no panic in either of them, only passion and determination to finally explore this side of their relationship.

Lexa’s shirt had been discarded almost immediately, Clarke couldn’t seem to take her hands of the toned abs that had been the result of all her hard work.

“You are, so, so, so unbelievably gorgeous.” Clarke accentuated each word with another kiss to her neck, igniting something hot and bright deep down in Lexa.

“And you are so unbelievably overdressed.” Lexa had husked back, not even recognizing the tone in her voice. 

Clarke pulled back and stared down at Lexa for any sign that she was unsure, that she wasn’t ready, that she didn’t truly find Clarke appealing. But all Clarke could see was blown pupils, swollen lips, and red cheeks that conveyed so much passion and emotion.

There wasn’t a hint of hesitation in Lexa, she was ready and more than willing to take this step. 

She truly did want everything with Clarke. 

Unfortunately, Emma appeared to be less than willing to let them get there. A small knock followed by the door to the bedroom creaking open had Clarke moving off Lexa at a lightening quick pace.

Lexa grabbed the sheet and pulled it over herself all while trying to calm her overheated body.

It didn’t really surprise her that Clarke was able to flip a switch inside herself and go right into mother mode. Lexa was considerably slower to gather herself, it took Clarke throwing a shirt right into her face to knock sense back into her.

Emma wanted nothing to do with going back to her own bed, thus ending the plans that Clarke and Lexa had. Clarke offered Lexa an apologetic smile as she lifted Emma into the bed with them.

They still hadn't had the chance to explain to Emma that they were seeing each other. Clarke had brought it up a few times but they agreed they wanted to wait until they had something established. 

The focus over the past month had been helping Lexa heal so they hadn't really had the chance to really define what they were yet. 

Lexa knew having Emma around would make their relationship significantly more complicated than anything she could have ever imagined. She loved the little girl with everything she had and she knew no matter what she’d always sacrifice her own happiness for Emma’s.

She knew if Emma wasn't okay with them, if their relationship upset the little girl at all, there was a real chance it would end and she would be okay with that. 

But that didn’t mean she was hitting the punching bag with a little more aggression than normal this morning. Lincoln had taken one look at Lexa and just knew what she was struggling with. 

“I see you’re learning the same lesson I am right now.” Lexa threw her last punch before relaxing her stance when he spoke. 

“What is that exactly?”

“That having a kid in the house makes it seriously impossible to get laid.”

Lexa let out a groan and rubbed her gloved hand over her face. 

“Is it that obvious? Don’t get me wrong, I love Emma to pieces and I don’t want to imagine my life without her and Clarke in it, but that little girl has the worst timing literally ever.”

Lincoln laughed and placed his hand on her shoulder.

“Want my advice?”

“If you tell me to take a cold shower I’ll punch you instead of the bag.”

“No, nothing like that. We’ve found that my parents are always more than willing to watch Deacon overnight now that he’s not breastfeeding anymore. You know your mom or Abby would be more than willing to watch her overnight.”

Lexa had actually thought about that before but she felt tremendously guilty for even thinking about sending Emma away for a night just so she could have sex. Clarke didn’t seem to be worrying about the interruptions so Lexa felt like she had no right to suggest it.

“My mom is so far away and I don’t think I’d feel comfortable ever looking Abby in the eyes again. She likes me right now because she has no idea Clarke and I are seeing each other. I’d rather keep it that way as long as possible.”

Lincoln rolled his eyes and moved to help Lexa take her gloves off.

“She’s not naïve, Lex, Abby knows there’s something going on between the two of you. It’s pretty obvious. Besides the fact that you’re both grown adults, I really don’t think she’d care, you make Clarke happy. Plus, she’ll be happy about anytime she gets to spend with Emma.”

“No, I know. She loves spending time with Emma and she spoils her rotten every chance she gets. I don’t know, maybe I’ll try to bring it up with Clarke and see what she thinks.”

They made their way over to the sparring mat, it was the way they ended every single workout. Lexa took her training seriously, she knew if she could best someone Lincoln’s size she’d be able to beat just about anyone.

“No going easy on me this time, you’re not doing me any favors by doing that.”

Lincoln just rolled his eyes at her constant determination to better herself. He knew why she was doing it, he understood how down she had been about losing, he just worried she was overdoing it. 

“Don’t roll your eyes at me, in a few weeks I’ll be your boss.”

“God help us all.” Lexa went right for his legs, knowing the best way to bring someone his size down was to take his legs out.

They went back and forth for close to a half hour before Lincoln called it quits, there was only so many times he could be slammed to the mat before he needed a break. 

“Do yourself and my back a favor and talk to Clarke. She’s probably on the same page as you, you two always are.”

Lexa nodded and threw all her equipment into her bag to bring home. She hoped Lincoln wasn’t wrong, she sincerely hoped Clarke was on the same page as her about this. 

“You don't think I'm being like a big hornball or anything like that, right? Like, it's normal for me to want this with Clarke this badly, right?”

Lincoln took a seat on the bench next to her and nodded his head. 

“Of course it's not wrong. You two are in a new relationship, it's completely normal to want to tear her clothes off every chance you get.”

By the time she made it home Clarke and Emma were up and eating breakfast around the kitchen table. Lexa would never tire of walking into her home and seeing their faces there waiting for her.

“Lexa! Come look! I help mommy cook!” Emma was as proud as ever to let Lexa know how she had helped Clarke in the kitchen.

“Well it smells delicious so I know you did an amazing job.” Lexa walked into the kitchen after dropping her gym bag in the hallway to be put away later. 

Clarke offered her a smile and grabbed the plate she had warming in the oven for her.

“Eggs might be a little bit crunchy.” Clarke whispered in warning as she handed the plate over. Emma had insisted she help cook the scrambled eggs. There had been lots of shells that Clarke had to fish out and as she ate she realized she missed quite a few little pieces. 

She had tried to throw out what was on the plate and start new for Lexa but Emma had just been so excited to help she couldn't find it in herself to let her down. 

And if she had to suck it up and eat a few shells then so did Lexa. They were in this together now. 

She’d initially panicked, she was terrified Lexa would be mad. It was such an instinctual reaction that she still hadn’t been able to unlearn just yet. It took her a few minutes to talk herself down, Lexa would never be anything like Finn. 

Clarke had sucked it up and complimented Emma’s hard work and she knew Lexa would happily do the same.

Lexa nodded and took her seat next to Emma. She dug right in and noticed the crunch right away. She swallowed it down quick, the smile never leaving her face. 

“Delicious as always.”

Lexa gulped down her orange juice as she ate, rinsing the taste of egg shell out of her mouth. She offered Clarke a wink when she noticed she was watching her with concern on her face. 

After they were finished eating and the kitchen was cleaned up, Lexa headed off to shower while Clarke and Emma headed into the living room to play. 

Lexa tried to find a way all day to bring up what her and Lincoln had talked about but there just never seemed like a good time. 

She knew better than to bring it up in front of Emma, she'd get her hopes up for a sleepover and then they'd have no choice but to set it up. 

Lexa wanted this to be Clarke's decision, she needed her to feel comfortable with it. 

Despite how far they'd come, Clarke was still hesitant to be away from Emma for long periods of time. She'd only stayed over Lincoln’s house a handful of times in the last month and two of those times had ended with Octavia having to call them to come get Emma because she kept crying for them. 

So Lexa kept the suggestion to herself until they climbed into bed that night. 

Clarke scooted right over to her side of the bed and started laying gentle kisses along her cheek down to her neck. Lexa felt her body heating up pretty much automatically. Clarke could essentially just look at her and she'd get turned on at this point. 

“Clarke, sweetie, can we talk about something?” Lexa felt immediately guilty when she saw the look of panic that crossed Clarke's face. “No, nothing bad I promise. I just.. I was thinking maybe this Friday or Saturday Emma could stay with your mom so we could try to have some alone time?”

Lexa started to panic herself when Clarke didn't really appear happy at the idea. She wanted to go back and take it all back and forget ever suggesting it. 

“I.. I don’t know.” Clarke moved back over to her side of the bed and avoided eye contact with Lexa. 

“I didn't mean to upset you, Clarke. I just thought maybe we were getting close and Emma has a habit of interrupting. Forget I even brought it up.”

Clarke bit her lip and shook her head. 

“I don't know if I'm ready. I don't have any experience with this, he was the only person I'd ever been with and that was.. that wasn't really ever a good experience. He, um, he always said I was really bad at it.” Clarke's voice trailed off at the end, shame showing through in each word. 

“Babe, if you're not ready then I'm not ready. We're in this together, okay? But please don't ever think for one second that you're bad at this. You make me feel like I'm on fire when you touch me, you make me feel like I'm floating. You know exactly what you're doing without having to think about it, that's really special. He was a fucking idiot for never appreciating how truly magnificent you are but I promise, no matter what, I will always appreciate how special you are.”

Clarke slowly glanced over at Lexa who opened her arms for Clarke to cuddle against her. It took her a few minutes to work up the nerve but eventually she scooted back over to her and rested against her chest. 

“It's really okay that I'm not ready?”

Lexa placed a kiss against the top of her head and held her tight. 

“It is completely, one hundred percent, okay that you're not ready. And I won't be ready until you are. There's no need to rush, I want it to be perfect for you. Whenever that happens, it happens. Until then I'm way more than content to hold you and kiss you and show you how much I love you.”

“How did you get to be so perfect?” Clarke asked after a few minutes of silently running those words over in her head. 

“I'm not perfect, far from it. I just see how lucky I am to have you in my life and I'm never going to not appreciate it.”

Clarke leaned up on her elbow and brought her hand up to Lexa's cheek. She just watched her for a few seconds, trying to wrap her mind around how amazing her life was with Lexa. 

Lexa stayed quiet and let Clarke process, she could practically see all the thoughts running through her head so she let Clarke work it out. There wasn't anything else she could say right now. 

Instead of responding with words Clarke leaned down and connected their lips in a slow kiss, doing everything she could to convey her feelings through her kiss. 

The conversation surrounding Emma possibly staying away for a night was forgotten as they both let the slow gentle kiss be as far as they were going to get for now. 

Lexa would wait forever if it meant getting to kiss Clarke like this every night. The intimacy they were able to share fully clothed was more powerful than anything she'd felt while naked with anyone else. 

The conversation wasn't brought up again and Clarke and Lexa carried on happily together. As another week passed they finally gave what they were a real title and real definition. 

Lexa had wanted to find a romantic way to ask Clarke to be her girlfriend. Even at her age she was still as nervous as teenager to take this step. 

It shouldn't have come as a surprise to her that no matter what she tried to plan, nothing would ever go according to them. 

Emma ended up being the one giving Lexa a metaphorical kick in her ass to finally just ask. 

They were all sitting together in Lexa's backyard, enjoying the sun after playing a very spirited gave a tag that left both Lexa and Clarke winded. Emma was still running around the yard, her energy seemingly endless. 

She came bounding over to them and threw herself down into Clarke's lap, sending them both toppling over onto the grass. 

“Mommy, is Lexa your girlfriend?” Emma's question seemed to come out of nowhere. Clarke didn't even know how Emma knew what a girlfriend was. 

“What makes you think she is?” Clarke glanced over at Lexa who seemed a little frozen in her spot. 

“I heard Lincoln tell O that you were girlfriends. What does it mean?”

Now that Lexa was back at work, Clarke was spending a good amount of time with Octavia. The day before they had been over at Octavia's for lunch, Clarke assumed that's where the question had come from. 

“Well being someone's girlfriend as an adult means you like them very much and want to spend a lot of time together.”

Emma thought that over and looked between the two of them. 

“So you like each other lots?”

Clarke smiled and nodded. “Yes we do. Is that okay with you? It's really important to both of us like you're happy.”

Emma nodded instantly. She hadn't been conniving to get them together for the last few months for her to suddenly change her mind. 

“I like your smile and Lexa makes you smile. If you smile, I smile.”

It stunned Clarke and Lexa equally that Emma could have such a simple outlook on things. Nothing was complicated to her, they both wished it could be that easy for them. 

“Well, baby girl, if you're smiling then I'm happy. So it sounds like as long as we all keep smiling everything will be good.”

Emma nodded and looked over at Lexa who still felt completely shocked by the conversation. 

“So you're mommy’s girlfriend?”

“That's an adult conversation Lexa and I need to have.” Clarke intercepted the question when she saw that Lexa seemed a little panicked still. 

Emma didn't seem happy with that answer at all, she shimmied her way off Clarke's lap and walked over to Lexa. She plopped herself right in Lexa's lap and looked up at her. 

“You like mommy?”

Lexa wrapped her arms around Emma and nodded. 

“Very much.”

“So you like mommy and mommy likes you?”

“I sure hope so.”

Emma got very serious and crossed her arms over her chest. 

“So why you not asked mommy to be your girlfriend?”

Lexa couldn't help but smile at Emma's serious tone. She was starting to believe that even if she wasn't around to protect Clarke, Emma would always do it. 

“You know what, you're right. I've been very silly to not ask an amazing woman like your mom to be my girlfriend before someone else comes and realizes how perfect she is. But there is something else I need to do before I can ask her.”

Emma nodded along, the serious expression never leaving her face. 

“What?”

“Well I need your permission, of course. You will always be the most important person in your mommy’s life, I can't ask her to be my girlfriend until you tell me it's okay.”

Emma couldn't hold off the big smile at the question. Clarke was holding off tears at how sweet Lexa was being. 

“It's okay! We make mommy happy together, right?”

“That's right. I promise to always make her happy and I promise you will always be the most important girl in her life. We’ll make a great team.”

Emma smiled and lunged forward to hug Lexa before turning in her lap so she could see Clarke who subtly wiped away a few tears. 

“I could probably have made this into some big romantic moment but nothing really feels better than having the two of you here with me. This wouldn't have felt right if Emma weren't here because she's a huge part of our relationship, she will always come first and I wouldn't have it any other way. So, with her approval, would you please do me the honor of being my girlfriend?”

Emma threw on her most effective pout and added in some powerful puppy dog eyes but Clarke didn't need any more of a push. 

“I would love to.”

“Yeah, really? That’s awesome. I say we need to celebrate tonight. What do you think, how about we take a drive down to Rocky’s and get ice cream sundaes and see the cows?”

Emma cheered at the idea. “Ice cream! Ice cream!” 

Clarke scooted her way over to them and wrapped her arms around both of them. 

“Thank you.” Clarke whispered in Lexa's ear and kissed her cheek. 

“No need to thank me.”

The three spent the day in the backyard playing and just enjoying the beautiful weather. Lexa grilled some hamburgers for them once dinner time came. 

It all felt like such a normal, happy afternoon, something none of them were really use to yet. It felt like this is what they were always supposed to be doing. 

They all piled into Lexa's truck once the sun set and headed downtown to the small farm that made their own fresh ice cream with milk from cows they milked right on the property. 

Emma was in heaven from the first step onto the freshly mowed grass of the farm. The smell of hay and cows hit them all instantly but Emma didn't let that stop her. She ran right over to the cow pasture to watch the cows walking around. 

“Mommy, Lexa, look!”

Clarke and Lexa made their way over with their hands clasped securely together. Lexa only took her hand back to hoist Emma up on her hip so she had a better view of the cows. 

“Can I pet it?” Emma asked when one of the cows moseyed her way over to them. 

Lexa reached her hand out first, wanting to make sure the cow would be okay with being touched. The cow didn't seem to even notice or care that she was petting her so she turned so Emma could pet her as well. 

“Just go easy.”

Emma nodded and carefully reached her hand out pet the cow. “It feels funny. And it's smelly.”

Lexa laughed and nodded. “Yeah they don't smell very good but they make really yummy ice cream. Want to get some?”

“Just one scoop tonight, sweetie. I don't want you to get an upset stomach.”

“Just one? But mommy I want to try lots of flavors.” 

“We can come back another night, for tonight just one scoop.”

Emma wasn't thrilled with the arrangement but she ended up picking bubblegum flavored ice cream because it was bright pink. Lexa got a scoop of blue raspberry, the other flavor Emma seemed to want. 

“I didn't think you liked raspberry.” Clarke whispered when she saw what Lexa got. 

“I don't but I figured Emma and I could split each of these so she's only really eating one scoop but trying two flavors.”

“You didn't have to do that, you know.”

“I know but I did anyway. I really don't mind.”

Clarke shook her head in disbelief and leaned over to kiss Lexa again. 

“I really, really love you.”

Lexa smiled wide a popped her spoon into her mouth with a wink. 

“I really, really love you, too.”

When they got home that night Lexa noticed Clarke disappear for a little bit on her cell phone while Lexa put Emma to bed. She gave her the privacy she was clearly looking for but couldn't help but be a little curious when Clarke returned to the bedroom with a shy smile on her face. 

“Everything okay?”

Clarke nodded and went about getting ready for bed, the coy smile never disappearing. 

It wasn't until they cuddled up in bed together, Clarke laying against Lexa's chest that she finally explained her good mood. 

“I talked to my mom, she agreed to watch Emma for us this weekend so long as we have dinner with her Friday night.”

Lexa tried really, really hard to not give away how excited she was but she knew she failed based on Clarke's blush. 

“There's still no rush, you know that. There's no expectations.” Lexa knew there was a good chance Clarke hadn't changed her mind in just over a week.

“No expectations.” Clarke happily agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment to let me know what you think.


End file.
